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December 2011
Newsletter Archive
Before and After
There's a saying that advises us to not fill our arms with the past & future, as that leaves no room for the present. Since this is the time of year that we tend to look back and ahead, I think this recommendation is timely.
My experience has been that many people hold on to their past mistakes and remain so focused on memories that they stay stuck -- unable to really put the energy they need into today. The past is useful as a guide to what has and has not worked for us up until now. Other than that, the past will keep us back, keep us yearning to have done things differently rather than trying on new attitudes and approaches to life events in the moment.
Two common impediments to growth are an overwhelming sense of guilt and a determination to recreate what we remember as an ideal time. As a rule, both of these wishes are out of focus. We are rarely as "bad" as we recall and things were never as rosy as we have conjured them to be.
Yes, you may have hurt someone you care about deeply. You may have been unkind or unfair or inept. That's what learning is for. Sometimes our missteps are instrumental in motivating their recipient to become less dependent on us or to approach his/her life from a new point of view. Seldom do we inflict so much damage that we have actually destroyed someone. Each of us is responsible for developing a certain amount of resilience and the tools we need to activate new responses. You may hold your self accountable when someone blames you for their relapse, failure, heart attack, whatever. The truth is that you are not that powerful. Learn from the things you have done that make you feel bad about yourself, but don't grant yourself Divine powers of destruction. It just doesn't work that way.
Try to develop enough self-awareness to understand when you are clinging to an old guilt because you are afraid to get back on the horse. You are free to do that, of course, but you'll be missing out on possible achievements and victories. The choice is yours -- why limit yourself?
We humans have a tendency to cast past times of contentment into an idyllic fantasy. This is especially true where romance is involved. Yes, I'm sure the ardor you felt in the beginning of your liaison was amazing. You have never felt so loved, understood, listened to. The truth is, the person who embodies your dreams of love doesn't even KNOW you! My mother always used to say, "A new broom sweeps clean". Tell me about your relationship after you and your beloved have weathered a few storms -- you need these turbulent times to learn who you and the other person really are. You may find that you work well together.
On the other hand, you may feel abandoned, disappointed, or uncomfortably maneuvered by "the other". If you can communicate your feelings to each other and respect each other's point of view, I have high hopes for you. If either or both of you stubbornly holds your ground and refuses to even consider a compromise position -- watch out -- do not ignore a major red flag. Holding on to a dream that is illusory will lead to a great big let down in days to come.
And then there is the future. We fear it, try to shape it, ask others to predict what lies in store for us. We can, to a degree, make plans that seem appropriate at the time of their construction. We cannot, accurately, foretell what will occur, but that makes many of us feel too vulnerable, so we "make up" our version of the future.
Planning is fine. When we put off the majority of our wishes, saying, "I'll do it after..." we are taking the risk that that day will never come. As we get older we become more aware that "forever" and "life" do not belong in the same sentence. A more moderate approach probably works the most effectively as we balance today's needs against tomorrow's.
Prioritize your dreams. You may not realize all of them, but, experiencing your aspirations, even some of them, makes for the feeling of a life well-lived. Of course, before you can prioritize, you need to know which goals are really yours and which have been projected on to you by others.
As you release the ghosts from your past -- guilt and regret -- you will find that you are able to face the future with less fear. The unknown road is intimidating -- even to the most stalwart travelers. The self confidence you will gain as you learn what does and does not make your world work for you, will stand you in good stead. There is always a lesson to be learned as we tackle the adventures that life brings us.
If you are safe, feel loved, did something that made you proud today, please take note. Do not miss what you DO have now by focusing your eyes exclusively on the past and future. You must have had at least one good moment today. If not, create one tomorrow by being kind to one person (or more) in the next 24 hours. Right now is what you hold in your hands -- treasure it as you participate in the evolution of your life.
Food, love, career and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
Cathy Guisewite
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