Forever Fabulous You Ruth Gordon MA\MSW\LICSW (Bunny) |
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A guide to the discovery of your personal power and joy! |
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May 2010 - The Day the Music Died So, why am I using a verse from Don McLean’s “American Pie”? Well, I have discovered that a lot of the lyrics from this song can apply, in metaphorical form, to many different types of situations. But something touched me deep inside the day the music died. (D. McLean) April 2010 - Color Me Lucky Despite, the often, dramatic, ups and downs, I think I have led an extraordinarily lucky life . This is because of the people I have been fortunate and privileged to know who have chipped away the ice as I was becoming worn out and seriously considering giving up. Repeatedly, just as I was running out of steam, the right person has come along, at the right time, and has given me whatever it is I have needed to get me to the other side of the street. March 2010 - Getting What You Need First, I would like to apologize for the “missing” February newsletter. My computer was struck with PEP (pervasive e-mail problems) and I was unable to use it for quite a while. Hopefully, I’m back on track and this reaches those for whom it is intended. You can't always get what you want The Rolling Stones
January 2010 - Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow… It’s always unsettling, to say the least, when facing an inevitable unwelcome event that will occur at some unknown time in the future. This could be anything from going to the dentist to a serious loss. There hangs the sword of Damocles and we are helpless to make it vanish or to slither out from under it -- we are stuck. We can steel ourselves, go into denial, round up a crew of advisors, or utilize any one of a number of possible reinforcements. I have discovered that I have, without realizing it, developed an unusual, intangible ally when faced with a certainty that I wish would go away. I have transformed “tomorrow” into my second in command. In my world, the dreaded upcoming event will always happen tomorrow, not today. Of course, today becomes tomorrow, but, I somehow manage to ignore that actuality. I wasn’t always like this. My mother loved to tell the story of how when I was very little, and wanted to do something, only to be told that I could do it later, that at some point I would remind her that “now is later”. As an adult, I have, somehow, managed to convince myself that later is a constant. The result is, that when the dreaded event arrives, I am somewhere between surprised and prepared to handle it. It’s not a bad place to be, but it is ridiculous. Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." December 2009 - Looking Ahead First, I would like to wish all of you a 2010 filled with blessings.
November 2009 - Power Redux When the concept of “power” comes up it is usually connected to some type of emotional reaction. Some seek it; some fear it; some wish for it and on and on. When we can’t reshape or influence our environment in some important way, we customarily feel powerless. It is one of life’s most distressing sensations. Significant loss is always a trigger, and depending on our degree of optimism and self-confidence, we feel like our lives are out of control to varying degrees. As with all emotions, we often feel stupid for “over-reacting” to relatively minor adjustments we need to make or, at times, we feel numb as we become overwhelmed with life circumstances. The most perilous of these situations can result in PTSD that well may haunt us for the rest of our lives. Fortunately, this is caused by real catastrophe and not too many of us have to worry about this. This is a good time to look at the whole concept of personal power, because, I am convinced, despite circumstances, your personal power is always there and is simply waiting to be tapped. "May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.” Anonymous
October 2009 - And Oh What a Day it Was! The day in question was Wednesday, October 28, 2009. For reasons unknown to me, I was harried and hurried as I prepared to leave the house to get a flu shot. No, I did not have an appointment for a specific time, I could have walked to the vaccination location, and I had a 2-hour window in which to complete my errand. No real pressure here. Nonetheless, I was feeling an urgency to get this over with and Harry’s truck was blocking me in the driveway. Now, Harry has been blocking me in the driveway for years, even though our driveway has a curve to the left that accommodates his truck and leaves me free and clear to come and go. This is not a big source of friction between us, but I do bristle whenever I am raring to go and there’s the truck in the way once again. Do I blame Harry for the subsequent event, during which I, for the third time this year, (shhh, don’t tell my insurance company)backed up into the mailbox? I would love to, but, he would never let me get away with that. So, bump went my car (I’m sure it must have been on it’s own volition) and once again I provided Sweet Gum Court with it’s personal version of the Tower of Pisa. So, without further incident I got my flu shot, knowing all the while that Harry could not allow the morning’s event to simply pass. I came home to teasing, which of course, he could not resist as he insisted, for at least ½ hour, on calling me “Crash” Gordon. Thank you Mr. Sensitivity!! Not much else happened that day that’s worth telling you about. But the evening, oh yes, the evening brought it’s own little bundle of quirkiness, laughter and some tears. I really wanted to see the movie about Michael Jackson, “This is it” and didn’t expect Harry to go with me since that is not, usually, his kind of thing. Well, he said he would go, so great. What you don’t know about Harry is that he always manages to slip into his movie seat exactly as the movie is beginning. This is really irritating to friends who are kept waiting and used to drive me crazy; but I of course, have had years to adjust to his split second timing. On Wednesday he invited his son, Dan, who is living with us, to come along and Dan, being just like his father, decided to join us just as we were walking out the door. Of course, when Dan says he ready, he really means that he will be ready in about 10 minutes. So, while I love my stepson, I was getting really antsy and, with my own proficiency at doling out aggravation, drove myself and everyone else somewhat crazy during the 3 minute trip to the movie theatre. As I have mentioned before, Harry has severe pain from arthritis and other conditions that are caused by a genetic disorder called HLA B-27. He never complains. In fact, he pushes himself physically, beyond what anyone would expect from a 30-year-old. He never complains, but, as his wife, I can tell when the pain is severe and he was being positively heroic that night. I’m quite certain that I would have stayed in bed, but he keeps going, which is one of the many reasons that he is my hero. The movie intensified my melancholy, although I never felt a whole lot of attachment to Michael Jackson (or even thought about him) when he was alive. As Harry pointed out, look at all those talented people who were part of the show and dramatically had their dreams blown apart with his death. It was sad. Harry left right before the end of the movie because he was just too uncomfortable to sit any longer. When I met him outside, I felt so badly about having put pressure on him that I began to cry. Harry being Harry, insisted it was no big deal, but I still felt awful. As we approached our car, we saw that the lights were on. That was pretty strange, since, as a rule, they turn off automatically. When we opened the doors, it was cool inside. Huh?? Well, we have a car with a keyless ignition. So, as I was nagging and pushing to get to the movie on time, I distracted my husband to the point where he forgot to turn the car off or lock the doors (which wouldn’t have locked if he had tried). Well, we just died! We couldn’t stop laughing. How lucky were we!?! As we sat in the movie, our car was happily running, just begging to be stolen and, apparently, nobody noticed. So that was the emotional trajectory on Wednesday, October 28, 2009. From irritation to feelings of inadequacy to frustration to sadness ending up in side-splitting laughter. When you think about it, we were presented with a paradigm for life. A full range of emotions. And, weren’t we lucky that the day ended in glee! In the greater scheme of things that’s a pretty great finale. "Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live."
September 2009 - Your Best Re-Frame So…your life isn’t going the way you planned. You’ve held your chin up high for what feels like (& often is) ages. “Everything happens for a reason” and “When one door closes another one opens” just don’t work for you anymore. What can you do? Well, one answer is find a palatable re-frame. Now, I know that when you try on a less toxic way of looking at things you will probably decide that your first thought, which probably was to blame yourself or someone else, is far more valid. We all do that. The truth is, however, that all experience is open to interpretation, and how we construe reality usually effects our mood, our solution and, ultimately, our outlook on life. “How can I change the way I think?” you might ask. The first step is to understand that you, personally, do not hold all wisdom and, therefore, your internal camera may click a fuzzy, rather than sharp picture. If this thought is unsettling, think about that. Do you really want to be commanding officer of all that is true & accurate? It sounds like a pretty exhausting job to me -- not much time to play for whoever accepts that assignment. I think you need to come up with more than one plan. Having choices will immediately allow you to experience a feeling of strength. Use your creativity, use your imagination and dig your own tunnel out of the confusion. This is not the time to reject every alternative because you want to hold on to what you have “lost“. As a friend of mine, whose son was turned down by the University of Boulder said (in his best New England accent), “Boldah is ovah”. Are you being crippled by feelings of shame and guilt? I would rather you be angry, as anger is energizing and those other two simply keep you in the hole. You are not the center of the universe. If anyone who knows you is gleeful that you have hit a snag, you really don’t need that person in your life (I hope you already know that). Your problems will be the topic of conversation only until the next bit of gossip comes along. Then, when you survive, and even thrive, those same people will think you’re amazing. I know, it has happened to me. Several months ago, as my husband and I were struggling with difficult circumstances, I made a very deliberate decision. Nothing will stop me from having a happy life. That concept has proven to be invaluable to me. Whenever I face the prospect of this and that going wrong, I remind myself of my vow. It has been an enormously helpful tool for me. If you believe that you can choose happiness as well, develop your own mantra. It’s not “new age”, “old age”, or psychobabble to understand that happiness lies within. Yes, there will be losses and disappointments -- no one escapes those. But, if you define your OWN values and live them, you will experience self-respect and the freedom of authenticity as you go along in life. Joseph Campbell advised us to follow our bliss. I believe that bliss is earned with self-knowledge, understanding and a willingness to be who we believe we are meant to be. Should a belief in a Divine Spirit or fate accompany your self-characterization all the better. I believe that being true to oneself carries us to the divine. Those who do not believe in a spiritual force needn’t feel condemned to a life that is less worth living. In my opinion, you believe or you don’t believe -- it cannot be forced. If each of us focuses on our own moral compass rather than another’s we will all be much happier. "Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world. We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy." Joseph Campbell Back to top
August 2009 - Who Will Care? I came of age, so to speak, as Camelot was beginning. Living in Washington, I was very aware of politicians and their ways. My boyfriend was a Page at the Capitol, so I was afforded a real insider’s view. Circumstances did not allow me to participate in the “Age of the Flower Child”, but I remember being absolutely fascinated by the apparent freedom with which these people conducted their lives. People cared back then. There was an excitement and a belief that personal prosperity and social wellbeing were not mutually exclusive. Granted, many of the programs of the time were poorly constructed and administered. A huge amount of money was wasted due to lack of follow through and an unwillingness to adjust the template on which these programs were founded. The closing of psychiatric hospitals without adequate resources that were well-organized and effectively available to those who needed them is just one of the tragic and disgraceful results. "The more our feelings diverge, the more deeply felt they are, the greater is our obligation to grant the sincerity and essential decency of our fellow citizens on the other side." Senator Edward M. Kennedy
July 2009 - Ya Gotta Keep Swimming When I was 6 years old, I went to the Marjorie Webster day camp during the summer vacation. I have a crystal-clear memory of one particular day. There I was, in a 2-piece bathing suit (we didn’t call them bikinis then) and a horrible tight, white bathing cap that was pulling my hair and had a chin strap that was most uncomfortable. Even the rubber smell of that bathing cap was awful, but I was required to wear it, so I did. I was walking along the edge of the deep end of the indoor pool, and, unexpectedly, found myself in the water. I did not know how to swim. I do not remember being afraid. Whatever my 6-year-old survival instinct was, it kicked in and I propelled myself the full length of the pool to the shallow end. When I arrived, all the counselors and campers were there cheering for me. It was so surprising -- I didn’t think I had done anything unusual. My brain hadn’t gotten in the way, telling me, “remember, you don’t know how to swim!”, I just did what I needed to do in order to live to tell the tale. I did not wonder if I was going to be able to keep going -- I just kept going. Incidentally, this was not the start of Olympic aspirations --I’m still not a very good swimmer. This, for me, has been a pretty good metaphor for life. Whatever the challenge, we need to keep going and set aside fears that we just can’t do, whatever it is we must do, anymore. I frequently have to command my brain to just zip it -- I don’t need all that noise getting in my way. Easy? No. Helpful? Yes. This newsletter marks the end of 5 years of monthly missives I‘ve been sending out to you. I had no idea, when I started, at the time of Hurricane Charlie, that I would still be writing them today. Never would I ever have imagined that I had opinions on enough ideas to fill 60 of these communiqués. What I didn’t think about, at the beginning, is the complexity of our lives. I hadn’t thought there was so much to say about inspirations and obstacles in day to day living. Your feedback has enriched my life far more profoundly than you will ever realize. Some days when everything feels pretty rotten, a comment from one of you that lets me know that I’m hitting the mark with the topics I choose really means a lot to me. I’m quite certain that I have learned at least as much from you as you have from the ideas that I have shared. One thing that I know is true is that we are all in this together. There are those who say that the use of the internet has disabled our ability to communicate with each other directly. I do believe that if we crawl into our computers and lose our will and energy to deal with the world face to face, that we will paralyze our social skills (we must remember the importance of social IQ) and deplete the vibrancy we have gathered from dealing with others in the flesh (so to speak). On the other hand, there are many of you I have never met and could not have possibly learned from and/or interacted with if the vehicle of e-mail did not exist (trust me, you do NOT want to wait for me to write a letter!). If you believe, as many of you do, that circulating hope, wisdom, and a feeling of connection influences those you meet and returns to you in the form of innumerable blessings, this internet “thing” is a pretty cool tool. I urge you to always try to remember that whatever your struggle may be, there are many in the same situation who have come before and those who will follow. There is nothing you have done or not done that has no precedent. Your guilt, shame, sense of achievement, whatever, is not so unique that you are the first and only to experience whatever is going on in your life right now. Uncomplicated super heroes exist in the comic books, not real life. Try very hard not to confuse self-respect with pride. There are so many people ,whom I have met over the years, who hesitate to ask for and take advantage of help that is available. Somehow, the notion of receiving assistance becomes interpreted as weakness. So, we turn our depression, anxiety and illnesses into deep shadowy secrets. We put them in a place where they are able to fester. These difficulties thrive on darkness. Please believe me when I say that the more you hide your struggles, the larger and more toxic they will become. At the same time, you must, somehow, understand that, in almost all cases, you do have strength and power and courage. Do not forecast a life of failure for yourself. You may have to change the way you look at things, you may have to relinquish certain desires, but try to remember that there are many ways to live a life that is rewarding. The little girl that I once was looked pretty funny in her smelly bathing cap and was far from dolphin-like as she made her way down the length of the pool. The point is, however, she did make it and if she could so can you!! "Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your
eyes off your goals."
June 2009 - Where Did it Go? This morning on television they played a video from 1985, which showed a large group of artists recording “We are the World”. For those who don’t remember, this was a song produced by Quincy Jones and written by Lionel Richie and Michael Jackson in an effort to raise money for starving children in Africa. I lived in Washington in 1985 and I remember a Sunday at a specified time (which I can’t remember) when many of us went out into the street, joined hands and sang “We are the World” in a demonstration of support for the cause. There we were, strangers for the most part, in a line through Georgetown to the west and toward the White House on the east. The goal, as I remember it, was to form an unbroken line throughout the city, and from where I stood, it sure looked like we had done just that. I never saw any of those people again. But, that day, I felt so much connection to everyone I saw, so much joy, not for my participation, but for the fact that, at this particular time, we joined together with a mutual wish -- “We are the ones who make a brighter day so let’s start giving”. Hope was high and with hope we are encouraged to try; without it, we tumble into despair. The end of June, 2009 has brought with it tragedy, gossip and scandal. While it is tempting to engage in schadenfreude, perhaps we would be better served by taking a look at what we need to do in order to lead our lives in a way that brings us, not just satisfaction, but a fullness of heart that keeps us going when things get rough. It’s easy to fall into the pit and feel like your troubles are the only elements that exist in your life. I am as guilty as anyone of becoming mesmerized by my own navel. I am grateful for my work, which does not allow me to stay self-focused. I always feel better after a session in which I may have assisted in the lightening of another’s burden. How the girl who only ever wanted to be a movie star or a bride (not necessarily a wife) ended up doing this kind of work is a long story, which is punctuated by disappointment and loss, and for which, to my own astonishment, I am grateful. Book learning is one thing, but overcoming life’s inevitable disappointments brings heart and soul to the work, and in my opinion, without that, it’s not possible to heal. My question, for which I do not have an answer is, “Why is it that we forget that we only thrive when we accomplish our objectives in conjunction with one another?”. I really don’t think the answer to that question is selfishness. Rather, I have a hunch that, in our search for ourselves in an unfortunately increasingly competitive world, we believe that, should we reveal what we consider to be our “weaknesses”, that the “pack” will turn on us. It’s so sad. We’re hesitant to ask for help because we believe that we’re expected to be totally self-sufficient. We believe that “others” will hold us in contempt if we acknowledge that we are going through a rough time. Even with those who are most dear to us, we hold back our fears and desires on the premise that we do not want to burden them; that our vulnerabilities will cause them to turn away. No one comes out of the womb saying, “I think I’ll grow up to be an addict; an unfaithful spouse; a swindler, etc. People fall into these situations because they feel pain and look for ways to assuage the rawness. Fear is terrifying. When it sweeps over us all the reassurance we receive or good sense we already possess can fail us and all we feel is dread. Some of us are constitutionally able to withstand this, others are not. It really has nothing to do with weakness or strength. An undecipherable combination of temperament, genetics, environment and opportunity work together to motivate or freeze us; to get us going or turn us to seek an escape, any escape, as we disregard the inevitable consequences that our choices bring. I always try to be candid in this newsletter, so I will disclose to all of you that Harry and I are going through a very difficult time right now. We have managed, quite well in fact, to adjust to the illness and demise of people in our family whom we hold dear. We have been less successful, however, in finding ways to outlast the current economic crisis and, in the next few months, will be making decisions about where to live and how to maintain ourselves in the years to come. I never expected my life to turn down this particular road, but here it is. Have I felt sorry for myself? -- yes. Do I think it’s unfair? -- yes. I am also angry and frightened. On the other hand, whatever comes, I know that we will, however hesitantly, continue to put one foot in front of the other and, no matter what, will continue to live lives that celebrate love, and meaning and connection. Do not misunderstand me. I have no more courage than anyone else. I do not possess unusual fortitude. I am, in an ironic way, lucky to have been a cancer survivor. At that time, which was many years ago, I knew, to the depths of my being, that the only thing in my life of any importance was the love I felt for others and theirs for me (you won’t be surprised that I include dogs in this category). After my second surgery, the first face I saw as I came out of the anesthesia was that of my daughter-in-law Stacy. As you know, she, her physical presence, is gone. The love continues. I hope that someday I will look back on this time and say, “Whew! Another mountain climbed”. Whatever the future holds, it is my plan to continue to reach out and offer hope to you and welcome the love that so many of you have shown me with an open and grateful heart. “Out of suffering comes the serious mind; out of salvation, the grateful heart; out of endurance, fortitude; out of deliverance faith.” John Ruskin
May 2009 - Climbing Trees A couple of weeks ago, while he was home with a nasty cold, my youngest grandson, Matty (age 4), proceeded to climb up his parents’ elliptical trainer and attempted to stand on the handle bars. Matty is a climber -- he always has been. I asked my daughter, “Where did this come from?”. And then, I remembered. As unlikely as it may seem, given my limited athletic ability and utter lack of balance, as a child I loved to climb trees. Of course, in Washington, where I grew up, the trees where heavy-limbed oaks that were just begging to be ascended. I loved to get up to the part where I was enshrouded in protective green, unable to look out or be seen from below. I loved my green cave, that’s what it felt like, and I was entirely safe and peaceful as I sat on a substantial branch and leaned back against a sturdy trunk that had been around a lot longer than I had. It was my own leafy world, a private place just for me. When I think back to that time, I can remember that it never occurred to me that I would not be able to scale to a desired altitude, nor was I plagued by the fear of heights that has troubled me over my years as an adult. I’m sure I must have fallen any number of times and believe that I wasn’t deterred by this, taking it as a part of the experience and nothing to worry about. Let’s fast forward to today, a time in which I easily lose sight of the childhood wisdom that allowed me to understand that there would be many tumbles along the way. Recently, as I’ve pondered the road ahead, I have fallen into believing that I will, from this point on, lose mental and physical acumen. It’s all downhill from here! I have looked out 10 years in the future and assumed that I won’t be as sharp as I am today (however sharp that is!). Once I became aware that I was doing this and got a bead on the resulting anxiety I experienced, I took a step back and had to ask myself, “Why are you doing this?” “Would you advise someone else to slow down and fear the future?” Of course not -- so why do it to myself? Even if I have “only” 20 years ahead of me -- that’s a long time! Plenty of time to learn and try new things, plenty of time for things to go both wrong and right. By putting an age-based limitation on myself I have constructed an artificial barrier, one that makes no sense and can only lead to feelings of defeat and ineptitude. That’s not a smart way to plan or to approach life. Having thought this through, and, understanding that this is a self-defeating way to live, I have found a freeing-up of my physical and creative energy. I realize that my challenge is to prioritize my life in such a way that I allow time to do the things and be with the people I care about. It’s my intention to practice enlightened selfishness. Hmm… yet another lesson from my own, as yet unwritten, self-help book. It just makes sense to make the best use of who I am today. I like knowing that I have acquired some degree of wisdom and have a pretty good idea as to what I need to feel joy in my life. It’s all so obvious -- I’m not sure why I didn’t think of that sooner. One of the qualities of childhood that is so appealing is the confidence that youngsters have in a world with no limits. There’s something really refreshing about a naïf tackling a goal without being crippled by fears of inadequacy. It seems to me that successful entrepreneurs possess that same kind of audacity. I’m not saying that childhood is a stage without problems. We know that struggles that last a lifetime are planted at this time. However, lacking the developmental capacity to understand and foresee possible obstacles has it’s advantages. We can’t be held back by vulnerabilities that are beyond our ability to imagine. Unless it’s a visceral reaction, the bold are unlikely to be fettered by fears of what could go wrong. Accessing caution rather than anxiety is a good way to approach a new situation. It also increases the likelihood of success. Caution allows for action. Anxiety or apprehension can keep us frozen on the spot. Cautious optimism is a great ally when we apply for a new job, meet a possible love interest, or attempt something that is outside our usual repertoire. Recognizing the challenge inherent in every dilemma is a great way to start to resolve the problem -- it’s not beyond our reach, we simply need to figure out ways to extend that reach. While I won’t be attempting to balance on handlebars at any time that I can foresee, it’s helpful for me to remember a time when climbing trees was a part of my ordinary routine. I do not believe that confidence is truly lost -- it’s dormant and simply waiting for us to find it again. Never stop dreaming, planning or setting goals. Life is full of surprises, and yours might be just around the corner. "Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now." Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
April 2009 - Manifest Your Inner Shmoo
Okay, life’s been complicated and tough. Of course, it always has been that way, but no one told us that when we were growing up. We thought if we just followed the yellow brick road that a genuine Wizard of Oz who was all-powerful would solve all of our problems. Wrong! So, what’s a human to do? Well, the shmoo was put on earth to spread love and to please those who needed him/her. So, how do we get in touch with the shmoo of peace and serenity? Those of you who are able to maintain your optimism regardless of what’s going on around you probably don’t need to read the rest of this. My guess is that even the most positive of you have, at some time or another, felt like you just couldn’t handle one more setback. Let’s take a look at what life’s had to offer in the past couple of years. If we were invested in the stock market, we’ve lost money. If we invested in real estate, we’ve lost money. Many of us who have never been jobless before have found ourselves out of work and carrying more debt, with fewer assets to pay it off ,than we had ever imagined. We cannot, of course, predict what Mother Nature might bring our way. We can fervently implore her to spare us flood, fire, hurricanes and tornados, but usually she just does whatever she wants. We do know that our environment is deteriorating and want to live “green”, but it all can get pretty confusing. Now, just as we congratulate ourselves for holding on to our relationships and health, along comes the swine flu to scare us half to death, with talk of a possible pandemic. Whoa! How much more can we take? As much as we need to. Some of us will retreat into old, seemingly comforting behavior like drinking too much, gambling too much, excessively depending on drugs to help us handle our fears, etc. Probably anything that’s got “too much” attached to it will end up biting us back at some point in time. During times like these I would suggest you call up your inner shmoo and let him/her know that you need help RIGHT NOW. That’s the shmoo’s job -- to reassure us and help us find our own tranquility. The shmoo is there to remind us that we are all built to be resilient. We may have more confidence in our suppleness when we are children and have not formed habits that encourage us believe we cannot live without this or that, but our ability to bend with the wind is still there, and we must begin to believe this, or our fear of breaking will, engulf us and leave us feeling that our feet have been sunk in cement and we are helpless to move. I’m not implying that contacting the shmoo is easy. It is certainly less complicated for some of us than others. From my point of view, I don’t think the speed with which we reach “shmooville” is all that important. Cliché as it may sound, it really is about the journey and not the destination. It’s so hard to realize that each of us is perfect just as we are. That doesn’t mean we may not wish to change some of our ways of doing things, but, it does mean that, regardless of what we’ve come to believe about ourselves, each of us has everything we need already in place. Look, the people (likely our parents) who taught us that we were “bad”, disappointing, or, perhaps, looked to us to possess certain traits that they were never able to acquire, were simply, wonderfully, human. I doubt that there are very many parents who, looking at their newborn, say, “Gee, I can’t wait to mess with this kid’s head!”. I cannot tell you how often, in my work, when I tell someone that they are exactly who they were meant to be, the tears start to flow. This reaction is wonderful and painful to experience. Wonderful, because that means that my client is considering the possibility that this might be true and painful, because this truth has never before been given credence. So many of our colleagues walk around believing that they are truly bad people. It’s quite sad. In fact, although I really don’t like labels, the “good” people outnumber the “bad” people by far. Obviously the shmoo is a symbol. Symbols arise because we need them. As a rule, we don’t trip ourselves up because we think too much of ourselves; it’s a result of honoring ourselves too little. Please, in good times and bad, try to remember there’s a really good and valuable person who resides in your skin. Should you forget, just call up the shmoo.
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Special Edition - The Thief A thief arrived on our doorstep and breached the protective bubble that enclosed our family. The thief’s name was Death by Cancer. The thief stole Stacy Leigh Gordon, age 45. from our arms and whisked her to another realm, one which we will only be able to enter at some undetermined time in the future. Stacy Leigh Gordon was a wife, mother, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, attorney and journalist. She was really something quite special. While she was not my biological child, she was a second daughter in my heart. At the end of her life, when she was still battling, but becoming weaker every day, she called me “mommy” and liked to snuggle next to me in her hospital bed. What a privilege that was. Stacy spent her life defying the odds. She had her first newspaper column at 14 (also her first lawsuit), graduated from high school a year early and paid her own way through the University of Florida, Northwestern School of Journalism and Fordham Law School. She was “Dr. Stacy”, but with her blonde curls, shining blue eyes and high-pitched giggle, you never would have guessed what an intellectual powerhouse she really was. I love Stacy and am not yet ready to put her in the past tense. I don’t know if I ever will. She was so determined, persistent and impressive that even though I knew that a diagnosis of stage 3 non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma was quite terrible, I always, until the very end, believed that she would find a way to outsmart that damn disease and return to us with her limitless energy and joie de vivre. I was wrong. My girl faced many challenges in her life, among them the discovery that her first son, Max, had autism. Even when the doctors initially failed to take her fears seriously, she attacked the situation with her usual vigor and I can tell you, as a first-hand witness, that Max has had every possible opportunity afforded him. Stacy would have been so proud of him at her funeral as he, his brother Jacob and my son, Bennett eulogized her before a large crowd. Max told us that his mother was a “good woman”, that she had taught him to be positive and that’s why he always was. Jacob looks just like his mother. It’s easy to make him laugh, he’s a goof ball (in the very best way) and is a great baseball player and fan. My son has displayed strength and composure like nothing I have ever seen. He and Stacy were married for 17 ½ years. They understood each other thoroughly, and were still in love. Bennett has, literally, slept on the floor so that Stacy could be comfortable and never shied away from the unpleasantness that cancer brings. He was with her when she died. I am very, very angry about her death. It’s simply WRONG. I will never be able to say, “it was for the best”. I must, as all of us who love her must, accept that she won’t come bouncing into the room like a joyful puppy and lead us wherever she would like to go. There is nothing “best” about any of this. My own mother died 22 years ago. I have asked her (I speak to her all the time) to keep her eyes open for the bubbly blonde who loves to smile and show her the way around heaven. Boy will those 2 get along! Stacy will settle in quickly as my mother proudly embraces her and my father pats her head like he did mine throughout our time together as father and daughter. I console myself with the belief that we will all meet up again, sometime. I don’t care if my belief is correct -- I need it as I learn to live with the losses our lives inevitably bring. I love my life, I really do. I eagerly anticipate, however, the joyful reunion that awaits. We were so fortunate to have had someone as extraordinary as Stacy in our lives. She believed in the possibilities and that you never say die until you have used up your resources and have nothing left with which to fight. She lives on in the DNA of my grandchildren and, of course, in the love with which she has filled our hearts. I will see her when the sun shines and know she is there when her children laugh. Max is right, his mother is a good woman; a very good woman. An original we were blessed to have in our lives for a while and who we will miss and remember forever.
March 2009 - I'm Feeling Anxious! It’s really hard when we feel completely overwhelmed, which at times is a unremitting state for me, to gain perspective, calm one’s pounding heart, and believe that, indeed, there will be a future and that all is not lost forever. Of course, there are medications that deal with that, but what to do if tablets are not our route of choice to serenity? My first suggestion is one you’ve probably heard a million times, but take a few very deep breaths. The reason for this is that deep breathing will relax your system and it is impossible to be relaxed and tense at exactly the same time. Now that that has been accomplished, how do we tackle the insurmountable mountain in front of us.? The way that I prefer to tunnel through the mess I’m facing is slowly, in a very focused way. First, we must prioritize. It’s really easy to be distracted by some side issue that is easily resolved. We will find, however, that moments spent on tasks that take us away from our goal consume a lot of time, and, in the long run, increase our angst many fold. I know that a lot of you feel uncomfortable when you are unable to complete a task as perfectly as you would like. Well, perfection is hard to define and perfectionism will delay a livable-with resolution. Decide which parts of your task are essential and non-negotiable and concentrate on those. I’ll give you a silly example from my own, often chaotic, life. On many a morning I plan to attend to the dogs, wash my hair, iron or steam my clothes, have breakfast, make my bed and be ready for a 9:00 appointment. A reasonable list one might assume. Morning comes and I may receive 3 unscheduled phone calls, two of which require me to consult my schedule and adjust it. Since I really make every effort to avoid having the dogs pee in the house, they must be attended to. Now, a good 45 minutes may have passed so I decide that my hair is clean enough, try to find something that doesn’t need ironing or steaming and rush to get ready. Usually, as I’m attempting to put on my makeup, my husband has something to talk to me about or some task he would like help with. There goes the bed! Finally, if I’m lucky, I have time to put two of the dogs in their cages and just maybe throw together a breakfast drink that I either take into the session with me or wait to gulp down at, let’s say, noon. Now the day is completely off kilter and rarely do I make it as far as straightening the bed. Why do I not get up earlier you may ask? Simple, it’s hard for me to function before 7AM no matter how hard I try. When I force it I’m grumpy, bump into things and am unbelievably inefficient --I’m better off staying in bed. I have had to give myself permission to let certain things slide, and in doing so, have applied that point of view to other areas of my life. Is it the way I would like it to be? No. However, I can either be a raging lunatic or a fairly reasonable person to deal with. I choose the latter (to the relief of those who cross my path). In making choices about what to do and how to handle those things it can be helpful to imagine the worst possible conclusion. It’s tax season (as if you didn’t know). Once upon a time, a long time ago, I believed that disaster would strike unless all of my information was compiled in the early part of January. Had you asked me what would happen should I fail to do this, I would have told you that I would probably be chained to a wall in a dungeon, never to return to civilization. These days I am hardly peaceful as I gather up my scraps and endeavor to remember where I put those all-important pieces of paper, but, if I have to take an extension, I do so. The world has continued to spin and the cell in the dungeon is still empty (for now). Try to remember a time in your childhood when you felt the same kind of dread you are feeling now. Were I a betting person, I would wager the farm that somewhere, back in the days of youth, lies the foundation for the discomfort you feel today. For me, as a kid when I lost the crayons it was my fault. When my own children lost their crayons it was still my fault. I still, and always will, tremble when I am handed a very important piece of paper -- don’t give it to me -- PLEASE! I know I am unlikely to outgrow this, so, I try to be patient with myself and understand that paper is not my friend. You may have noticed the delay in receiving this (March) newsletter. Well, now you know what slipped to the bottom of my “to do” list. What saves me from becoming engulfed in unease is that this is my newsletter, after all. Also, I’m sure that no one’s life has suffered as a result of the holdup. So, happy April everyone & I hope to deliver this months’ newsletter in a more timely fashion. Smile -- it makes your brain happy. “Do you want to know the surefire way to stay anxious? Don’t do the thing that makes you nervous!” Larina Kase
February 2009 - Where it Begins and Ends Wouldn’t it be great if someone invented a Love-O-meter? Such a device would be able to measure if love exists, how intensely it’s felt, and sort of like the black light used to test the authenticity of antiques, whether or not it’s the “real thing”? Just think, so many of our emotional fears would be addressed and answered and we would, more easily, be able to make decisions as to when to stay and when to go. Until this happens, we are pretty much on our own, with, perhaps, the help of friends and family (choose wisely!), to solve the dilemma and make reasonably apt decisions that will lead to current and future happiness. Of course, if we had a Love-O-Meter we would have to come up with a definition of love and decide if we need categories such as “romantic love”, “family love”, “friend love”, “short term”, “long term”, etc. As you can see the list could go on indefinitely. Love and death seem to provoke almost equal levels of fear. Some people have trouble recognizing their anxiety regarding intimacy, but I see it all the time. And, in some ways, really revealing your innards to another feels like flirting with death -- the possibility of the emotional slaying of your very being. It takes a combination of courage, optimism and persistence to take the leap and allow someone else “in”. It’s a shame that we humans believe that if a significant other finds us lacking that, indeed, we are. We obsess over the “wrong” word or action that may have tanked a wished-for relationship. Intellectually, we say that we know that the rejection we feel reflects the other person’s standards rather than our own deficiencies, but we usually believe that the fault lies inside of us. “If I’d only given him more room”… “If I weren’t so needy”… “If I’d played it smart, made more money, etc”. Is there anyone out there who hasn’t harbored such thoughts as we watched our dreams of love tumble through our fingers? We often forget that timing and shared common goals play a large part in our quest for love. In our attempts to lessen the impact of our yearning for a connection we play it cool. See, the trouble starts when we feel the necessity to “play” it at all. When we “play” it we’re not true to ourselves and when we’re not true to ourselves we are bound to feel insecure which pretty much ensures we will suffer from a certain amount of apprehension as said relationship develops. This is not to say that it’s wise to indiscriminately pour our emotions all over the object of our affections -- he or she will surely drown. We have all learned (I hope) to exercise a certain amount of impulse control in our lives and we must have that skill at the ready when we encounter emotionally-charged situations. On the other hand, emotional constipation is not a good alternative. If “the other” cringes or panics when you express positive feelings you probably have a problem on your hands. I really don’t subscribe to the idea that a woman must wait for a man to say “I love you” first. If he feels trapped, coerced or in some way compromised because you’ve told him you care for him, he’s not a good candidate for “happily ever after” (this applies to women who respond this way as well). As I always say, “the longest journey occurs betwen the head to the heart”, and while a certain amount of brain power is important, when you go with your intellect and discard or ignore the song in your heart you are unlikely to develop a bond that fills you with joy. Look, whichever road you choose, you will be taking a chance. Stop looking for the “sure thing”, you’ll never find it. I’m sorry to say this, but if you become involved with someone who offers “unconditional” love no matter what you are likely to find yourself wondering where that person’s self-esteem lies (if it exists) and this type of reflection is likely to result in a feeling of disdain or disrespect. Such a situation will never make you happy. Look, I’m a confessed risk-taker (not a recovering one, by the way), so you may not want to follow me to the edge of the precipice. However, if what you wish to experience is a fulfilling love connection you will have to stick your neck out and take some kind of chance. See if you can make choices that disregard your desire to control the situation. Don’t, however unconsciously, decide on an individual who is likely to view you as a superior being. You will indubitably slip off of that pedestal and, when you do, you will wish to be with someone who sees you as you really are underneath the idealized vision. We all deserve to be loved. Take a chance -- go find yours! “It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.” -- Unknown
I write this as a recovering “low roader“. In years past, when entering into an argument I was willing to pull out the big guns, try to “win” at all costs, and leave my so-called opponent bloody and wounded. I was tough! All that I garnered from that approach was lowered self-esteem, a guilty conscience, and a relationship that was difficult, sometimes impossible, to repair. I knew how to make people fear me and actually thought of that as a positive trait. Anger is an important emotion. You will never hear me advise you to squelch your irritation and just be “sociable and friendly” (I cannot tell you how many times my father told me to do just that -- I never listened). The trick is to figure out what to do with your feelings of outrage, frustration and indignation while holding on to the standards you have set for your own behavior. If you have a short fuse, just know that that’s how you respond. It’s neither good or bad. For your own protection, put some space between the incident and your response. Counterattack probably feels good to you in the short term but there’s a good chance you will experience some regrets down the road. You can even let the “other” know that you have a reply but you will deliver it at a later date. Do not interpret prudence as weakness. Adults value discretion. Suppose you are someone who lets it all build up. Well, you know what happens with that -- a big explosion, and, sometimes, stress related illnesses. Neither is a very good alternative. The other person is likely to respond with something like, “Why didn’t you tell me that bothered you?” and you will be left flummoxed and muttering something like “I didn’t want to complain about little things”. Look guys, it’s the little things that make up the fabric of our lives. You could preface your wish that your friends take off their shoes at the door (or some such thing) with, “I know this is a little thing but…”. Whatever response you receive will sure beat the one you get if you let the fur fly. A lot of people are on edge these days. Anxiety, fear and sadness can all be masked as anger. Why? Because anger makes us feel powerful; allows us to believe that we are not victims. Check out your anger with yourself and see if you can figure out what’s really going on with you -- you can’t treat a broken nail with a toothbrush or anxiety with a temper tantrum. We are far more likely to demolish our self-esteem than anyone else. Regardless of the rationale, be careful in your responses. If you stoop too low, you are likely to not feel too great about yourself. It’s just not worth it. As for payback, be very, very careful with that little devil. Revenge is a set up for escalating and perpetuating what is already a bad situation. If someone steals your wallet, by all means, call the authorities, try to retrieve it, do what you can to recoup that which is yours. You would be foolish to go out and steal the thief’s wallet. You may have the illusion that you can make someone experience what your injury feels like. Come on back down to earth. No one else is you! Your past, your genetic makeup, your lifestyle and so much more go into making you a unique, inimitable human being. Besides that, people have a way of teaching themselves their own best lessons. Leave it to the fates, or whatever you believe in, and spend your time making plans that enhance your life rather than harm another’s. I’m sure you’ve all had the experience of having a falling out with someone only to discover, at a later date , that you wish to reestablish contact. That’s kind of hard to do if you’ve gone for the jugular and caused that person to feel humiliated or shamed. People like me are always urging you to be proactive rather than reactive. What that means is that it’s a good idea to step back and think before you speak or act. You may not deliver the witty putdown you had in mind, but you also will not wish you had bitten your tongue out or regret your lack of access to a memory altering drug. A maxim that I have always heeded is that if a relationship cannot be changed in a way that you are able to put up with, that’s the time to understand that there is nothing left to say. Don’t stick around so that you can deliver the final blow. Preserve your dignity, and just let it be. This doesn’t mean that you should stop talking to that individual, like, “Hi, how are you?”, but it does mean that if, on a regular basis, you feel worse after you’ve spent time with that individual, your wisest course may be to turn your attention elsewhere. If you can’t connect, you can’t connect. Be true to yourself. Listen to your own voice and be proud of who you are. “Satire's my weapon, but I'm too discreet to run amuck, and tilt at all I meet” Alexander Pope December 2008 - When You Can’t Protect 2008 has been quite a year. Most of the people I come into contact with are eager for it to be over. I must admit that I join that group. Of course, the turning of the calendar doesn’t promise that anything novel is about to occur -- it simply gives us the sometimes needed illusion that we have been given permission to start anew. So, I asked myself, what exactly has made the last year so painful for me, personally. I think, that when I scrape everything else away, it is the realization that I cannot shield some of the people I love the most from harm. You already know about my husband, Harry, and how distressing it is for me to witness his physical pain. There is, however, another family member who suffers from a different kind of pain -- one that is damaging to self-esteem and, at times, results in insulting behavior from normally very decent people. That person is our oldest grandson, Max. I can, of course, remember when he was born and the certainty with which we dreamed about his future. Max was born into a loving home with two sensible, warm and successful parents. When he was very tiny I babysat and that song, “Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around…“ kept running through my head. I believed, that with love, we could shelter him from anything that came along. When Max was 2 he was diagnosed with autism. It’s such a baffling condition, and my son and daughter-in-law were right on top of accessing every service that was available to them. Autism is part of a spectrum and Max was certainly on the high end of the continuum, which is far more apparent in a young child than in an older one. After his younger brother, who does not suffer from autism, was born, their parents moved to a community in Florida which afforded special services for children with special needs. And so…we went along. Max will be 13 in January. He is old enough now to understand that he is not like other kids his age. He feels lonely and cut off from his peers. One of the myths about autism is that those who experience it do not miss their connection to others. This is not true. For “high functioning” people with autism loneliness becomes a way of life. Max cries about this and, of course, other than finding the best schools and programs and showering him with familial love, we can do nothing for him. Max is extremely attached to his parents. Autistic children become very bonded to their caretakers. They are the folks who understand the world of autism and try to help these children adjust to a world that expects one to be “normal“. Max’s mom now has cancer. At a recent family gathering, which his mother was too ill to attend, Max repeatedly reminded us, “My mom is sick, she has cancer”. Our hearts break and we scurry to try to make everything better. We can’t. So, I have been unable to keep the harm away. Here I sit with the ability to help other people find new ways to look at and enjoy their lives and I can do nothing for this precious child. His situation breaks my heart. On the other hand, I am grateful that Max was born into a family that loves him without limits. We will continue to encourage him to make the most of his strengths and let him know that we believe in him. And, I do believe in Max. Max believes in himself. He has so many plans for his future. He has aspired to be everything from a paleontologist to an accountant (that’s quite a range there!). Max doesn’t stop trying. Although people (even me, I must confess) tire of his repeated stories, (perseverance is one of the characteristics of autism), Max hangs in there. Of course, I don’t know his thought process, but he must expect that if he keeps on trying someone will share his interests. For those of you who wonder why he doesn’t belong to a group with youngsters more like himself, I can only say that he has, he does, and he will, but, kids like Max have a restricted ability to pick up on social cues and to imagine what situations feel like to others. It is difficult for them to offer solace to each other. I hope with every particle of my heart and soul that my daughter-in-law will be well. I hope that all of us experience a swell of optimism in the year ahead. I believe that my job in the coming year , and in all of those from then on, is to continue to make peace with my own impotence. I wish, I wish, I wish that I had more influence on the lives of those I love. I am, however, simply human. Wishing all of you a year in which your heart sings.
November 2008 - The Best Thanksgiving Ever Over the years I have been both the host and invitee to many a Thanksgiving dinner. We have had traditional feasts at which everyone had a good time. We have had traditional feasts, where there was tension between “merrymaking” participants and many of us did not have such a good time. It’s tricky with Thanksgiving because everyone has their own idea as to what a Thanksgiving spread should consist of. What kind of stuffing? Pumpkin and apple pie? And, my old favorite (in which my husband and I engage), is the turkey thoroughly cooked yet? The worst Thanksgiving I can remember was over 20 years ago. I was going through a divorce, my kids were spending Thanksgiving with “him” and for one reason or another no one was available to spend the holiday with me. I tried really, really hard to not care. I told myself that it was just a day, really no different than any other Thursday, but myself and I did not agree. Ultimately, I allowed myself to sink into despondency and managed to be miserable right through the week-end. This year was unlike any in my experience and was, by far, my best Thanksgiving ever. As many of you know, my husband, Harry, has had a multitude of health problems over the past three years. For six months now we have been battling the results of a botched foot surgery, and with the help of wonderful friends, we have transferred his care to a doctor in Manhattan who has been beyond conscientious in helping Harry to keep his foot and improve his overall health. Harry was discharged from the hospital on Thanksgiving day. He could not travel alone, so I took a 6:20 am flight from Florida to New York, picked him up and had him home by 7 pm. As we waited at the airport, I munching a tuna sandwich, he a Philly cheese steak, the most wonderful feeling took me by surprise. I understood that there was nowhere in the world that I would rather be than with him at the airport at that particular moment. I felt simply, uncomplicatedly happy. There was no tinge of regret or longing, just a feeling of being where I was supposed to be. I had half-cooked a Thanksgiving dinner the night before , so when we got home, all I had to do was heat things through. I had purchased store-made mashed potatoes and gravy, used a packaged stuffing and topped it off with the kind of cranberry sauce that still bears the imprint of the can when you serve it. Not exactly a gourmet delight!. Certainly not the way I usually prepare for a feast. Harry was just thrilled -- he never would have guessed that he would be able to have his Thanksgiving celebration this year. It was easy for me -- there weren’t even a lot of dishes to clean up. When he turned to me and said that this was the best Thanksgiving he’d ever had I was surprised to find that we were on exactly the same page at the same time. Better yet, I was getting a lot of applause for accomplishing something that wasn’t really very hard. It was like winning the Thanksgiving lottery. Nothing means as much to me as knowing that my husband’s health will improve, after all, I will be needing him to push the wheelchair at some time in the future. The challenges we have faced over the years (there have been many) have bonded us ever closer together. There is no guess work. We simply are there for each other, no matter what. When I was younger I was always trying to recapture the “pink cloud” that envelops new relationships. I never knew that it was possible to engage in a deep and long-lasting love affair that is based on an accurate understanding of each other. The warmth and gratitude that I experience on a daily basis (even when he’s irritating) is far richer and more rewarding than the butterflies I felt at the beginning of our “couple hood“. Truth be told, sometimes he comes through the door and those butterflies are right back there in my tummy. This brings me to my central point. You are never too old, your relationships are never too longstanding, your work is never so stale that you cannot experience the splendid feeling that you are doing exactly what you were put on this earth to do. Avoid the trap of attempting to wrap your arms so tightly around the past that there is no room left for the gifts that are yours today. The past is important -- it helps us to understand ourselves and why we have chosen certain paths rather than others. Do not be tricked by the illusion that you can use yesterday’s solutions for today’s problems. We need to expand our repertoire if we wish to live happily. Look for and accept new practices that will enrich your life today. My wish for you is that even in these very difficult times you can recognize the things in your life that are right. The blessings are there, our job is to discover wherein they lie.
"Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage, and confidence." Og Mandino
October 2008 - Look at it This Way I’ve been trying to think of something to write about that isn’t political. It’s not that I’m lacking in opinions, it’s that I don’t believe that this newsletter is the appropriate venue for sharing my ideas on political subjects -- what do I know anyway? This evening I went to see the movie, “Rachel Getting Married”. If “Caddy Shack” is your idea of a great film , this one is definitely not for you. The film is devastating and human and joyful and touching and hopeful all at the same time. I enjoy a certain amount of emotional wreckage, especially when my doses come from a distance, so for me, I feel that my movie money was well spent. One of the sub-themes of this movie was the realization of the joy and comfort available to us when we are able to expand our ways of thinking so that we include other cultures and points of view in our value system. I will not reveal plot points, but this is story-telling that possesses wisdom and an attitude of respect. See it if you can. What I experience over and over in my life and practice is the belief held by many that it is impossible to be emotionally intimate with someone who sees the world through a different lens. We seem to be living in a time where we expect others to “twin” with us. If they fail to do that, we immediately brand them as the “enemy”, and close our minds and hearts to all kinds of wonderful possibilities. Think about it. If, somehow, we were all programmed to reflect identical beliefs what would happen to creativity? How would we have painters, poets, musicians or scientists? It’s the person who essentially says , “I don’t think I agree with that” who discovers something new. Isn’t it sad that the “establishment” so often derides the idea of a new influence? I understand that there is the tendency to protect what one already has; nobody like to feel that they have “lost” something. But, why does it have to be all one way or the other? We live in a continuous cycle of birth and death; does it not make sense that different ideas of beauty, justice and belief come to the fore as the world changes and shifts? It sure makes sense to me. It really bothers me that we seem to have lost our ability to good-naturedly spar over our varied ideas of how we would like the world to be. This is a time when we appear to be in a cycle of limited resources -- wealth and energy assets look as if they are in short supply. We have become so focused on what we perceive that we are losing that we fail to recognize the assets that are ours forever and in unlimited quantities, should we chose to use and value them. There is no ration on love, trust, compassion, sensitivity, grace, or kindness. These are the commodities that we crave, and often believe we can achieve only through wealth, influence and power. The predicament is not that you possess wealth, influence or power. The trouble starts brewing when they possess you. Here’s something else to think about: Don’t you think that you would eventually become terribly bored with a mirror images of yourself? You might feel more secure that way, but where would you find inspiration? When would you experience the joy of crafting an object or idea that is , for the most part, uniquely yours? We would never have a symphony if we used only one note. Of course you can have a happy marriage despite philosophical differences; of course you can have a good friendship or any other kind of relationship. More important is the concurrence of your values. Here’s how you disagree in a way that is healthy: You start with each of you listening to the other and I do mean just listen. Check to make sure you’ve understood correctly and then present your point of view, asking your partner to listen to you without interruption. So often we get so caught up in the details of what we would like to say, that we never even hear the other. Try starting out with good will. Hey if James Carville and Mary Matalin can do it, so can you. Better yet, why not assume that most people are pretty nice. You really can’t judge someone by a first impression (I don’t care what anyone says). Try not to hurry to conclusions and you will, I bet, find yourself to be pleasantly surprised. For the most part our behavior originates within ourselves -- no one forces us to respond in any particular way. Finally, even though it’s tempting, try very hard to resist convincing yourself that there is only one way to accomplish something There are lots of ways to cook a chicken -- I might like barbequed and you might like baked -- they’re both good.
"The price of the democratic way of life is a growing appreciation of people's differences, not merely as tolerable, but as the essence of a rich and rewarding human experience." Jerome Nathanson
September 2008 A Life of Generosity, Gratitude & Grace Years ago my mother used to say to me, “Gregory Peck can park his shoes under my bed at any time”. I felt the same way about Paul Newman. Granted, I never met the man, but between his amazing good looks, generosity, talent and personal courage I do believe he was someone quite special. I have never heard or read a negative word about Paul Newman. He appeared to be down to earth, and humble to the point that he attributed his many successes to good luck. One of the discussions I frequently have with clients is about their feelings of not being good enough. There is always a mention of someone, or several someone’s who “make” them feel inferior. This is what I have to say about that: Anyone who truly feels good about him/herself, who is comfortable in his/her own skin, would NEVER attempt to make another feel “less than”. There’s a adage I learned a long time ago -- “under the arrogance lies the shame.” What so many of us fail to realize is that regardless of our financial circumstances we always have something to give. A few weeks ago I was at Starbuck’s and the man ahead of me in line couldn’t find a dime, so I gave him one. You would have thought that I had done something amazing. It was only a dime! The man was flabbergasted and the folks behind the counter were reacting as if I had discovered a way to turn coffee beans into gold. What they were really responding to, of course, was that I had reached out a hand to help. Now, I know this isn’t like working in the refugee camps in Darfur, but we are all in a position to share the “bounty” whether it be through a phone call, a smile at the right time or a dime in a coffee shop. There is a piece of self interest in this. When you do something that makes someone else feel good you will feel good yourself. We all have an internal meter that, like it or not, we unconsciously use to judge our own actions. When we live up to our own expectations we are rewarded with a personal feeling of satisfaction. So, when you are feeling somewhat “subhuman” as we all do at times, a simple act of kindness will boost your feeling of self-worth. It’s something we can all afford and seriously need. Paul Newman was in the position and had the inclination to help on a large scale. Reportedly, he donated +$200,000,000 in profits from his food line to causes he believed in. By any measure, this is an extraordinary sum. Another impressive part of this is that, as a consumer, when you saw the brand “Newman’s Own”, you knew that you were buying a quality product. We don’t often find such a clear example of a win/win situation. These are extremely difficult times. Florida has the highest foreclosure rate in the country. Lee county, where I live, has the highest foreclosure rate in Florida. Not only are people losing their homes, but one result is there are segments of our local population who are being denied the right to vote because they now cannot prove they have a Florida address. When we encounter extreme circumstances it is a challenge to find things for which to be grateful. If you like being alive, if you have anyone who loves you, if you have health or if you’ve ever been treated with kindness and care, you will surely be able to find a reason to be thankful. Please try not to measure yourself in terms of how someone else is getting along. I know that’s hard, I struggle with that myself. The problem is that such a focus leaves us feeling either inferior or superior. In my opinion, we are neither -- we’re just folks struggling to make sense of a very complicated period of time. Even in times of tremendous stress we have the capacity to exhibit compassion and courtesy to our neighbors. I think when we do that, it reminds us that we are human and what being human demands of us in terms of our behavior. However deprived we may feel, it’s an egregious error to treat others as enemies with whom we are competing for survival. In a macro sense most of us know that we need and flourish with the assistance of others. When we bring it down to a micro level, however, we tend to forget that a wholly self-focused style of living is unrealistic and will defeat us, in some way, in the long run. Often, no matter how hard we try, we have no control over the circumstances that come our way. We always have control over our own behavior. No one makes us behave with cruelty, thoughtlessness, greediness or dishonesty. When it comes to our conduct, we must take responsibility for our own. Paul Newman was a great role model. It is now up to us to demonstrate, in the way we live our lives, how we believe the world should be. "It’s been a privilege to be here." Paul Newman to daughter one week before his death
August 2008 - The
Blame Game It’s so tempting, when something goes wrong, to decide that someone, anyone, but us, is responsible for the fiasco. If the person we wish to be at fault is a stranger and if we can manage to ignore the little voice inside that knows that we‘ve bent the truth, I suppose it’s ok to take that stand. If, however, our problem is with someone close to us, we are facing an entirely different situation. I see many couples in my practice, and, not surprisingly, I hear a lot of , “you did this” or “you made me do that”(rarely, by the way, does anyone “make“ us do anything). The reason such individuals show up at my door is that they get so caught up in who’s right and who’s wrong, that they keep going around in circles. What is really needed is a tactic that focuses on solution, not fault. Now, this sounds like common sense, but I’ll bet that there’s not one of us who’s reading this who hasn’t resorted to blame at one time or another -- it’s human nature. We avoid accepting culpability for many reasons, among them, feeling stupid because we made the mistake, fearing the consequences of our behavior, and a deep-seated feeling of shame that can result in a very painful self-image. The paradox is that often we are more forgiving of the errors of others than those we make ourselves. In long-term relationships it’s really important to keep in mind that when we vanquish our “opponent”, who was previously dear to us, we are setting up a situation that is a perfect breeding ground for resentment and dishonesty. The erosion of trust and positive bonds is assured under these circumstances, and we lose far more than we have gained. When the focus is on the solution, we are forced to work together, which rebuilds the positive bond. Try to remember that there is almost always more than one way to work out a difficulty. However tempting it might be, avoid the old “I told you so” if the other person’s attempt fails. It’s far more productive to say, “Ok let’s try something else”. One of the most frequent relationship challenges I encounter in my office is the fact that one party will not allow the other to forget mistakes and hurts of times past. Trust me, if you insist on harping on things that happened months or years ago all your partner will hear is, “blah, blah, blah “, he/she has heard it all before. You must figure out what it would take to allow you to let go of the hurt and concentrate on now. Maybe you need an apology. Maybe you want your experience validated. Decipher what your need is. At some point it will be necessary to take the leap toward trust again -- that is, if you want to reestablish intimacy. If not, please recognize that all the spying and questioning in the world will not ensure the other person’s sincerity. If you are the person who allegedly did the harm, accept responsibility, stop defending yourself and be very careful to only make promises you can keep -- your self-esteem is at stake. Another thought, it’s easy to assume that everyone sees the world in the same way that we do. Be slow to criticize and please do not stoop to ridicule. Unless identical twins married identical twins who grew up next door, followed the same religion, etc., it’s going to happen -- you and the other person will have different theories as to the way things should be. Let me give you a silly example. I was having trouble backing out of the driveway last week. My husband, who was losing patience with me, said “why aren’t you using the side mirrors for that?” I told him that I always looked out the back window to back up. The more he insisted that I back up his way, the more I wanted to do things my way -- (the back window happened to be foggy at the time). Well, I backed up alright -- right into the mailbox & dented & scratched the whole rear side panel of the car. Guess I should have tried it his way! The point is, we all have habits that we don’t even think about. When someone disappoints you, try not to make the mistake of thinking that because your partner, friend, whoever, is not aware of what pleases you is proof of a lack of caring. So often, hard feelings emerge between partners because each of them expects the other to read his/her mind. “If you loved me you would have…” If you don’t let the other person know exactly what you want, don’t be surprised if what you’re expecting doesn’t happen. Someone doesn’t love you more because they make a lucky guess once in a while! Part of growing up is learning to put things into perspective and to know that even if someone holds an opinion that differs from ours, they can care about us just the same. Try to learn from mistakes and differences. You can be quite sure that making someone you care about feel “less than” never produces future happiness. "A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday" Alexander Pope July 2008 - In Defense of Wallowing Most of the time I’m all about finding creative solutions, persisting at what you love to do, and trying to remember that life does not only dole out bad news. This month, however, I succumbed to self-pity and a feeling of doom. Two members of my family received some very bad and very serious medical news, and that, on top of everything else, led me to feel “What’s the use”? Unlike some I’ve known who wish they could just check into a psychiatric hospital for a few days to regroup, that was most definitely not my wish. Having worked in a psychiatric hospital, I know that all instruments of possible harm, including shoelaces, tweezers, and pens are confiscated, as the staff focuses on keeping patients from harming themselves or others. Patients are kept behind locked doors and are usually surrounded by others who are in more distress than one could possibly imagine. No, a psychiatric hospital would not do it for me. My plan was to run away to Tennessee (I’ve never been there, by the way). My husband, quite sensibly asked, “Why Tennessee”? “Maybe things will be simpler there”, said I. He looked at me like I was crazy and I had to admit that I was a tad insane. “OK, then I’m just giving up”. “What does that mean”? Good question. Did I plan to take to my bed and bemoan my fate? Hardly! That would not be my style. What I did need to do, however, was give my stiff upper lip a rest as I wailed and carried on about how hard life had become. After a little over a day, I was sick of myself. To my surprise, I felt more energized than I had in a while and new ideas and approaches to working out some of our dilemmas were flooding my brain. Nothing had changed, mind you, none of our problems had been alleviated. I believe that by giving in to my feelings of being snowed under, I unexpectedly gave myself the respite I needed from the constant flow of energy that had been going into finding solutions. To me, this feels counter intuitive. So, what happened? Well, I always tell my clients to accept all of their feelings, even the so-called negative ones. I know that when we fall into denial, we can, sometimes, squander our vitality just fighting off our true feelings. That is what I had been doing. I was so busy going, going, going that I wasn’t giving myself the opportunity to receive the comforting I needed from myself and others. Yes, I was frightened. Yes, I was exhausted. Yes, I felt too small to be able to do anything about the mountain of problems that had popped up on my plate. As I was pushing myself to avoid what appeared to me to be the likelihood of multiple catastrophes, I managed to forget something very important. Sometimes, we lack the capability for doing anything at all about life’s circumstances. This is a time when it is very helpful if we happen to believe in a higher power. Look, either you believe in a driving universal force or you don’t. Do you remember the old saying “There are no atheists in foxholes”? There are many ways in which one can interpret that maxim. One version could be that when we feel too slight to deal with our own setbacks it is a great comfort to believe in a power outside ourselves that offers some protection. It can be quite comforting to trust that there is order and meaning in the world. It is so important to be able to recognize that we will probably encounter times when we find ourselves to be defenseless. At such times, we can allow ourselves to wallow in self-pity; for a short time. The guiding principle here is that this kind of self indulgence must never become a way of life. Overdone, we begin to feel like victims, which tends to leave us bitter and disappointed in ourselves and others. A time-limited emotional “vacation” during which we can allow ourselves to acknowledge our feelings of outrage and fear can be a very good thing . We often ask, “Why is this happening to me”? I have stopped asking that question. First of all, I’m not sure why things should not happen to me. Secondly, I have a feeling that each of us is a small piece of a mosaic and that we’re not intended to see the whole picture. Finally, even if we could answer that question, we would still be required to deal with the circumstances at hand. When confused as to what to do, try to remember that usually there is not just one way to solve a problem. Listen to yourself, and then take the kind of action that will allow you to look at yourself in the mirror and feel ok. You can never ask more of yourself than that. None of us navigate this thing called life without running into some pretty confusing and uncomfortable passageways. At such times, treat yourself with kindness and do the best you can. That’s all you can do. "When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly." Patrick Overton
June 2008 - The Passing of Everyman The public response to the death of Tim Russert this month was remarkable. Tim (it feels comfortable to call him that) was not an elected public official or a movie star. Instead, he was a man who really epitomized values that are considered by some to be old fashioned, if not thoroughly “uncool”. One of the aspects of Tim’s persona that I have been thinking about was his confident, unapologetic love of his country; his appreciation of what his country has done for him. There has been a tendency among a number of so-called “enlightened”, intelligent, and sophisticated people to convince themselves that we live in the “evil empire”. They have forgotten that those of us fortunate enough to live in this country have unparalleled opportunity to live a life we choose, not one that has been chosen for us. Is the system perfect? No. But it’s still darn good. My parents were first generation U.S. citizens. I can remember my mother’s face lighting up when she would recall the day her father became a U.S. citizen. He was so proud and passed that pride of citizenship on to his child, who passed it along to me. My father’s mother came to this country as a little girl and was far more “Americanized” than my mother’s family. Yet, when, as a teen-ager I was planning a tour of Europe, her comment was, “It was so hard to leave, why would you want to go back there?”. It used to be that political discussions were challenging and fun. Folks didn’t become angry and insulting when an opposing political opinion was presented during a dialogue intended to examine issues. Today, one risks turbulent waters when entering into such a conversation. Many of us avoid such thought-provoking sessions fearing the very personal hard feelings that frequently emerge from such debates. Tim Russert reopened the conversation, and I, among many others, looked forward to “Meet the Press” on Sundays and his appearances during the first half-hour of the “Today” show during the week. His equal opportunity challenges to candidates and seated politicos encouraged me to think more deeply about issues that impact all of us. Tim did the homework for me, and compelled me to consider complexities that may well have gone right over my head. Tim was “uncool” about other issues as well. Lifestyle choices concerning marriage, parenting, hard work, loyalty and a belief in limitless opportunities were, seemingly, informed by the values of his industrious working class(what an antiquated term!) family. He didn’t (to my knowledge) bellyache about not attending an Ivy League college, but aimed his very sharp mind and innate self-confidence at his goals ,becoming, not only successful, but influential beyond any level that he could have anticipated. I think it’s important that we recognize the value of all cultures. What concerns me, however, is the ease with which some dismiss the positive aspects of the way of life afforded us right here. There is a tendency to adopt a simplistic and skewed attitude that perceives failures and disappointments in public policy as evidence that our entire culture is ignorant, naïve, corrupt and mean spirited. It’s like seeing a blue-eyed person as ONLY a person with blue eyes! People, countries & civilizations are made up of complexities and nuances -- it is unfair, not to mention inaccurate, to judge a painting on one brush stroke alone. Sometimes we adopt an attitude of cynicism because we fear that we will be hurt. It appeared that Tim, rather than embracing an attitude of pending disaster, adopted an optimistic outlook which allowed him to rejoice in his relationships and his work. By all accounts he was a happy man. An essential piece of living a life of satisfaction lies in our ability to learn from the past, face the future with hope, and, most importantly, embrace today. Today is the only time we are capable of holding in our hands. When we remember to be grateful for what we have right now, rather than fret about what we have lost or may lose at a future time, we allow ourselves to live with contentment. Even when we face loss, it benefits us to celebrate the gifts that have been and are ours. I think that some of the reaction to Tim Russert’s death is a result of losing a role model who seemed to have grabbed for and attained the gold ring. His success came solely from his own efforts and talents. His success was proof that it is possible for any one of us to achieve our dreams. As humans, we are at our happiest when there is congruency between our in- and out-side. Tim Russert demonstrated for us what that congruency looks like. This is a fine time to take stock and allow ourselves to be who we really are. Be authentic -- what a novel idea! "Music
is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom.
May 2008 - A Romantic Getaway
"Love
does not consist of gazing at each other, but looking outward
April 2008 - Finding Plan B
Conditions are downright scary here in Southwest Florida. From what I read and hear, the markets are hurting in much of the rest of the country as well. Where I live the collapse of the construction industry has rippled to many other sections of our economy, including restaurants, retail, doctors and dentists. Gas is selling at heretofore unheard of prices and the cost of staples, such as eggs, has soared. More often than not, in my practice, I do my best to reassure clients whose well-thought out life plans are collapsing around them. These folks are suffering from the pessimistic outlook that they can’t escape on TV and in newspapers. Those who were counting on the value of their homes to provide financial security are helplessly watching their greatest asset decline in value. The public and private exacerbate each other, and a lot of people are feeling trapped in their lives. As I hear individuals attempt to comfort themselves with, “Everything happens for a reason” and “When one door closes another opens”, I recognize that they are failing to find solace in these forward-looking bromides. It is hard for me to find any wisdom that genuinely comforts those who are finding themselves living in ominous circumstances. One benefit of the uncertain times is that people are thinking long and hard before leaving their jobs and marriages. Where the culture of instant gratification once reigned, individuals are longing for even a small ray of hope, as they look into what seems like an unpromising future. Folks are doubtful of their ability, literally, to survive. This is the time when one’s capacity to “think outside the box” has been challenged. Creativity and originality are essential, no longer simply fortuitous talents. One’s ability to calm down and think clearly is the bedrock for enduring future success. This, of course, raises the question of “How do you do that?” You might want to start with imagining the most awful possible result. This may sound counterintuitive, but, once you figure out what you will do in the “worst case” scenario, it will be much easier to deal with less extreme circumstances. Don’t weigh yourself down by leaning on false pride and keeping your fears a deep, dark secret. No, you shouldn’t put an ad in the paper announcing your troubles. You would benefit, however, by confiding in trusted advisers who just might be able to help you brainstorm your way to some solutions. By the same token, present a confident face in your every day world. Even if you have to fake it, if you appear to be confident others will have confidence in you. There are few personality characteristics that are more appealing. This is a good time to remember that every time you smile you change your brain chemistry in a positive way. Take an inventory of what you are and are not willing to do. Do you want to relocate? Think this option through carefully. You do not want to hastily embrace a geographic cure, but you may find that you have valid reasons to go elsewhere. Take into consideration the cost in terms of money, lifestyle, friends and opportunities. If a move makes sense, consider giving it a shot. Don’t get bogged down by blame and self-flagellation over decisions you made that weren’t the best. No one can predict what the future holds (even if some claim they can). Learn what you can from what has occurred, and move on. Remember, even the Great Depression came to an end. Life may have taken a negative turn, you may not be living the way you planned, but circumstances always change and, in time, things do improve. In fact, that’s the one thing we can count on – change. Suppose you are clinging to a scenario of how your life is “supposed” to unfold. Are you able to relinquish any part of that, or to see it play out in ways that are unexpected? The more flexible you allow yourself to be, the more likely you are to find solutions you can live with. Remember, nothing but the Ten Commandments is carved into stone. Another aspect to think about is to be careful not to “punish” yourself when things are tight. Allow yourself an occasional treat such as a massage or dinner out at a nice restaurant. If you attempt to live like a Spartan, unless you are one of the rare individuals who can thrive on extreme deprivation, your spirit will suffer. So, dress up, buy flowers, or take an inexpensive vacation. As you experience enjoyment your resilience will strengthen. Few of us are glued together in a way that allows us to say, “Welcome tough times; I was hoping to be challenged today.” Over time, however, our newly found skills and attitude will serve us well. Stick it out with courage – one day you will wake up and realize that, one way or the other, the crisis is over. You will feel better, I promise. "I
think I've discovered the secret of life - you just
hang arounduntil you get used to it." Charles M. Schulz
Mar 2008 - Celebrate Me Home
February, the month of LOVE is just about over. I can confidently bet that for many, buttons were pushed, hopes shattered, and self-esteem plummeted accordingly. Most of us lick our wounds and manage to regroup. The unfortunate few, feel devastated and take their disappointment as a sign that they will forever be alone and left out. For these folks there is a tendency to idealize the lives of others, and for some, the resulting bitterness and perceived failure is more than their fragile egos can tolerate. February of 2008 brought with it three horrific crimes right on or within a few days of Valentine’s Day. Coincidence may be the answer to the question, “Why now?” We do know, however, that there is a connection between feeling like a pariah and violent behavior. The three crimes I’m referring to are: 1. The shootings at Northern Illinois University 2. The murder, by meat cleaver, of a psychotherapist by a psychiatric patient she had never met 3. The slaughter by, apparently, incineration, of a 14-year-old by her father. Now all of the people responsible for the commission of these crimes carry serious psychiatric diagnoses, and it appears that all three of them had stopped taking their medication as prescribed. This is the most universal reason that patients are readmitted into controlled therapeutic settings. The NIU assassin reportedly had a rocky relationship with his girlfriend. The man who killed the therapist was carrying adult diapers with him and had a plan to rescue his mother from a nursing home. The 14-year-old’s father killed her when he found she was text messaging her boyfriend. Theoretically, we have a common theme. Each of these emotionally unbalanced men was in some way separated from a person who represented a yardstick by which they were, somehow, assured that they were loved and valued. It is likely that no one had a clue that any of these men was about to boil over. Probably no one checked on them on a consistent basis. The resources are not available that would allow us to provide meaningful intervention for most of the mentally ill. In the 1970’s many long-time patients were “liberated” from psychiatric hospitals throughout the country. The plan was to develop a network of community mental health centers that would keep track of and assist these individuals. The plan was never dependably implemented, for many complicated reasons, and we began to see increasing numbers of these unfortunate souls living in the streets or unsuccessfully on their own. It is not surprising that those who feel unloved suffer particularly acutely during a holiday that is dedicated to love. For many, the realization that Valentine’s Day is a manufactured holiday that benefits card makers, florists and such, does not assuage the pain they experience on this day of “love”. Maybe it would behoove us to just grow up. The measure of love is not the roses, jewelry, cars, or whatever is presented to us by our “beloved” on this particular day. Too often, I have heard, primarily from women, how disappointed they have felt when their significant other failed to live up to Valentine’s Day expectations. The rational part of us knows that any fool can buy us flowers, and the ability to do so proves nothing about the durability and satisfaction to be found in a relationship with such a person. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, all too often, our good sense goes out the window and we depend on a false measure of devotion. I am not “bah humbugging” romance, not at all. Fantasy can be fun. Romance, when we understand that it doesn’t define love, is just great. The trick is to really know that love takes commitment, devotion, compromise, and sincere concern for the welfare of another. It’s hard work, can be bumpy, and will bring us days when we need some space and separation. Finding love can be complicated and difficult. I believe in being choosy and taking a clear-eyed look at a proposed partner. It is possible to fall in love and stay in love. I wish I could give you the formula that makes it all work. I do know that love has nothing to do with artificial rules and “playing” the “game” the right way. We all have that place deep inside of us that tells us who we love and who genuinely cares about us. When we allow ourselves to become blinded by our wishes, we are flirting with unhappiness. Wishing all of you a love that is lasting and true.
"Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit." Kahlil Gibran Jan 2008 - Guilty As Charged
I have been wanting to write about this for a long time, but wasn’t sure how to go about it. I’m not so certain now, but I’ll give it a try. The subject is the “generation gap”. Having been both a child and a parent, like you, I feel quite well versed on this topic. Growing up, I would say that the heart of a bad girl was hiding behind the behavior of a seemingly good girl. I didn’t get into any serious trouble, nor did any of my friends. My relationship with my parents was periodically turbulent, and, in fact, grew more difficult as I grew older. We drove each other crazy, especially my mother and I, and the love and deep attachment we had for and to each other would not have been apparent to anyone who didn’t know us. I have experienced tremendous remorse in the years since my parents died, wishing I had understood them better, been more patient, more appreciative. I was, however, always there for them and elected to live close to them when their health was on the decline. There was never a time of cut-off, and I knew there were behavioral boundaries that were never to be crossed. I am grateful for those boundaries. When I became a mother I was certain that I could do a better job of parenting – that I would be more fun and “cool” and able to allow my children to spread their wings and discover what made them happy. My intentions were the best and my confidence high. I am not the only person of my generation who held these ideas about parenting. I have talked with dozens of people – friends and clients—who started out doing their best only to end up with adult children who resent, disrespect, and, at times, shun their parents, cutting them out of their lives completely. Where did we go wrong? Were we too reluctant to be dictatorial? Did we too fervently want to be their friends? Has society changed in a way that, other than being life-givers and baby sitters, parents have no value? One cannot help but wonder what this will mean for the next generation. It’s worrisome. Now I know that many of you come from families that do not behave in this way. That is really, really good. You deserve great kudos. When I have noted to members of my children’s generation that there seems to be no importance attached to “Honor thy father and mother”, it has been called to my attention that my generation was part of the “Me” generation of the 80’s. Now I don’t know about you, but in the 80’s I was a single parent working at an anxiety-raising, time-consuming job so that I could keep us financially afloat. At the same time, my parents were sick and dying, so when I wasn’t working I was likely to be at the hospital or in my parents’ home trying to cheer them up and providing distraction. I surely don’t remember yukking it up or even being able to get a restful night’s sleep. Look, the purpose of this is not to defend or prove myself in any way. Many of us are simply baffled at the turn that life has taken. We didn’t expect to have children who consider us to be shallow, foolish, self-absorbed and just plain stupid. Allow me to also say that this has not been my experience with all of my children, but I am well acquainted with being spurned and insulted in very personal and hurtful ways. Perhaps, as a psychotherapist I’m “supposed” to present myself as a “blank slate”. Well, it’s way too late for that. Besides that, I don’t think it’s useful to be idealized into something/someone I’m not. As you know, I’m all about being true to yourself. If as Oprah (a non-mother herself of course) says, the most important job in the world is being a mother, it is true that that was not my area of greatest excellence. There is a big “however” of course (I’m sure you saw that coming). None of us need accept judgments passed on any aspect of what we have accomplished in our lives. I bring this up because, for a considerable amount of time, I believed that my life was a failure because of my inadequacies as a Mom. Today I know that this is a lopsided point of view, which is based on the findings of those who are hardly unbiased. < o:p> Love, forgive; grant generosity and honor to yourself. Extend the same to others. No one can ask for anything more.
"Life is under no obligation to give us what we expect." Margaret Mitchell
Dec 2007 -
The Vision Comes First
Is
your life pretty much the way you want it to be? Do you know
how you want it to be? If it is, why? If not, why not? Why am
I
asking you so many questions? Well, we must know what we want before
we can decide whether or not we have it. That must sound pretty
obvious, but it’s
not as easy to achieve as you might think. As a rule, we have to
know ourselves really, really well before
we can understand and know what we need to live a happy life. As you might imagine,
I meet a lot of people who are reluctant to dig down deep and
discover what makes them tick. Usually what holds such a person
back
is fear, a fear of finding out something about themselves that they won’t
like. We are all vulnerable to such apprehension, and much of my job is to
create a safe environment in which to do that kind of work. "A sailor
without a destination cannot hope for a favorable wind." Nov 2007 - Overlooked Heroes
"We
are like angels with just one wing. We can only fly by embracing
each other."
For
a couple of weeks I’ve been experiencing a feeling
of malaise. It was really hard for me to figure out what this
was all about. My husband and I have been discussing our plans
for 10 or 15 years down the road, which include summers in
Vermont and maybe a house on the beach in South
America. Why should this leave me feeling discomfited? I allowed myself to
mope for a couple of days, and, after wallowing in the feelings, I was able
to put my finger on what was bothering me. Sept 2007 - Lessons From the Andes In
early September a friend and I went to Peru. Our goal was to
trek
part of the Inca Trail into Machu Picchu. This had been
a dream of mine for many years. Now, I have taken what I call “adventure
vacations” before, including hikes down the Grand Canyon
and on several of the Hawaiian Islands. Do not be fooled; I
am not a graceful or athletic girl. I am vulnerable to sunstroke,
afraid of heights, have short little
legs that find nothing natural about taking a steep step, am
pigeon-toed, and my left foot drags when I’m tired. About
all I have going for me is a dogged determination to realize
an aspiration once I decide it is worth going for. "Life
shrinks or expands according to one's courage"
Who among us has not looked at a person of fame, wealth or power and wished, even briefly, that some of their fortune would rub off on us? I know I have. The story, the representation we are given looks so darn good. For those who manage to stay out of the limelight, life may be as wonderful as it seems. However, unless we know them personally, these are not the people that most of us aspire to be. Furthermore, we rarely know what life feels like, really feels like to those we tend to idealize. I have done some thinking about what it must feel like to be an object of curiosity, envy, and idol worship. Personally, the idea of having to be “on” all the time makes me uneasy, so I am guessing that life’s probably a whole lot happier when we fly “under the radar”. We have reached the ten-year anniversary of the death of Princess Diana, a woman who was deluged by the curiosity of others once she made a royal connection. While I am far from an expert on the reality of her life, I, like many of you, have read about her and have formed certain ideas as to what her day to day existence may have been like. Like other celebrities, a good portion of her life was spent in public. She was worshipped by some, admired by many, and, in public, the recipient of applause and approbation. However, at some point, she, like all of us, had to return home. From what I have read, that home, in Kensington Palace, was frequently an empty place where she did not have anyone waiting who was genuinely happy to welcome her into a warm and caring nest. How sad! Think what it must have been like to be idolized by strangers while lacking intimates in the place she was most truly herself. This is an extreme example of someone’s outside not matching the inside, of the sense of make-believe with which her life was saturated. When the persona eclipses the person most people, like Diana, will find her or himself experiencing a sense of fraudulence and uncertainty as to her/his true identity. When this happens an individual is left with a sense of having failed to live up to expectations. All of us share certain basic longings. The deepest of these have to do with being loved for who we are, as we are. Many of us flee from intimacy because we fear our own fundamental “unlovable ness”. These are the saddest people I know. Whatever it is that fills us up and fills us full in a life-enhancing way is always connected to our feeling genuine in our own skin. It is the rare person who can play to the crowd and maintain a sense of reality at home. Celebrity is not a requirement of this dilemma. Have you ever tried to impress someone? Gain an approval? Attempt to attract a yearned-for love relationship? If so, you have probably shaped your image in a way that you hope will be pleasing to another. This is not a big problem if what is projected is not far from the legitimacy of who you are. We all do it to a certain extent and certainly not everyone we encounter wants to know all about us. If, however, you find yourself hiding or exaggerating your intelligence; disguising your temperament; pretending to like certain activities, be they knitting, dancing or fishing, in order to gain someone’s approval, be aware that you are selling yourself short in your efforts to make a connection. How at ease will you feel within that union if you are not free to be yourself? It’s worth thinking about. The healthiest expectations to live up to are one’s own. If you find yourself painfully twisting yourself into a pretzel in your attempts to please another, you would be far better off to admit to your limitations and be pleased with yourself for maintaining your integrity. The paradox that we tend to forget is that the more true you are to yourself (in ways that are important) the happier you and those you care for will be. If you don’t want to ride that horse and are pretty sure you never will – don’t ride it! That way, everyone, including you, knows what to expect. You are not responsible for the truth that certain individuals may want to live through you. The narcissists, controllers, and timorous would be far better off to work on themselves than attempt to persuade you that you, and only you, can make them happy. You, in turn, should grab the opportunity to learn more about yourself, your passions, and the circumstances that make your life happy. Giving up the pretense will free up your physical and psychic energy. Who among us would turn down the promise of less fatigue, worry and tension? If you would, please call me immediately! Enjoy being you – you are the one thing you will always have. Whether you know it or not, you are your own treasure. Who you are is who you are meant to be.
“We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves." Francoise La Rochefoucauld July 2007 - Being Sarah Sarah
Olivia Gordon-Macey is my 5-year-old granddaughter. You’re
probably rolling your eyes right about now, anticipating
a gushy treatise on her brilliance, beauty, talent, or
intellect.
Relax;
this is about none of that. The reason that Sarah is the
focus of this newsletter is that Sarah is unyieldingly
and unquestionably herself at all times,
in all situations. Of course, it helps that she is only
5 and that she has, thus far, escaped the come-uppances
that life
will surely levy on her. Sarah also has the advantage of
having 2
especially tuned-in parents – it helps. Nonetheless,
it has been fascinating to observe the unselfconscious,
self-confident force that she is at this time. “ We
forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like
other people.”
Jun 2007 - Avoiding the Merge What do we mean when we say we have an intimate relationship? I guess there are as many definitions as there are people. One of the big problems inherent in such liaisons is that of holding on to ourselves as we join with another. Is it required that we become less of who we are? How do we find a balance? Why does getting thisclose strike fear in our hearts? One of the misconceptions we have is that to be truly close, we must tear down our fences and expose ourselves in our entirety to our beloved. That may be a worthwhile long-term goal, but there is no urgent requirement that compels us to expose our souls in the getting to know you stage of coming together. Look, once upon a time we were all helpless babies. Well-meaning but fallible caretakers who, inevitably, misread the cues sent out by our infant selves nurtured us. That was, I believe, the genesis of our lifelong apprehension about trusting and revealing too much. These misgivings buried themselves deep in our unconscious, waiting for the opportunity to resurface. Resurface they did when we encountered someone to whom we were tempted to reveal our true selves, including our vulnerabilities. To one extent or another, we all have to deal with early missteps, as we evolve into adults. Some of us are lucky; we encounter someone who teaches us that we can remain safe as we approach self-disclosure. I have been one of the lucky ones. It’s not that I had any secrets, deep, dark or otherwise, I did have, however, some painful insecurities and parts of myself that I was pretty sure no one could possibly accept. Happily, my then boyfriend (now my husband), refused to allow me to pull away. Howling, I would let him know that he couldn’t expect me to enter into a healthy relationship now when I had never had one before. I would tell him that he simply had to leave; there was no way I was going down that path (to happiness). He would simply look at me, cross his arms and say, “Tough, you’re stuck with me”. Believe me, the therapist (me) who had been helping couples for years, had no personal experience with what it took to have a solid, committed love relationship. So, I implore you, trust me on this one. The first, and most difficult part of this is that you must choose the right person. If you are experiencing push/pull or someone who builds him/herself up by putting you down, head for the hills! As soon as you are in the position of proving yourself to be “good enough”, pretty/handsome enough, smart enough, etc., please realize that something is wrong here. You can do better than that. All of us yearn to be loved for who we are, not for what someone else wishes us to be. Once you have found the “one”, you can resolve to reveal to the extent you desire. Remember, as long as both of you want the same thing, you will not have a problem. What I want you to understand is that all humans yearn to be loved for the whole of who they are. I, personally, do not believe in “unconditional” love, but that’s a topic for another newsletter. Now, what does all of this have to do with the fear that we will lose ourselves in a relationship? Sometimes we experience the other person as being, somehow, so powerful, so overwhelming that our voice cannot be heard. Sometimes we hold the illusion that it is our job to keep our partner happy; that somehow we are failing when we seek to have our own needs fulfilled. Such beliefs do not speed our progress toward a life of joy. It is not necessary to “twin up” in order to be connected. The stuff of connection includes trust and respect. We must be able to trust our partner emotionally. No one wants his/her openness to be thrown back in his/her face; used as a tool for abuse. A healthy relationship is one of mutual respect. It’s okay to have tomato/ tomahto (different ways of looking at things). Seeing the world through each other’s eyes is a step toward compassion, which is one of the core values necessary to live a wonderful life. It’s time for us to grow up and realize that when someone sees things in a different way it is not an attack on us or our values. Sing your own song loudly and proudly. Appreciate the one sung by your significant other. The universe smiles when we are still two as we become one. A healthy devotion to another means being the best of who we are, not less of who we are. When that is achieved, you possess the essence of what it means to join in love.
May 2007 - It’s a Shame Earlier
this month I saw an interview with a woman whose son had died
in Iraq. She said that when her son was home on leave,
shortly before he was killed, she had apologized to him. When
he asked her why she said, “I’m sorry I wasn’t
the mother I wanted to be”. "A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval." Mark Twain Apr 2007 - What Happened To Tender? This month’s
newsletter addresses a conundrum that has existed as long as
folks have sought relationships. That is,
forever. In my practice, and my life, I have met both men and
women who, in their desire to escape the grim reaper, discard
their long-time partners with the fantasy that they can outrun
time. It sounds silly when you see it written, but believe me,
it is a serious matter for both rejectors and rejectees. "Animals
are reliable, many full of love, true in their affections,
predictable in their actions, grateful and loyal.
Difficult standards for people to live up to." Mar 2007 - My Hero When I first
met him, there was no reason to think that he would become
a significant person in my life. On the surface, we had
nothing in common. I was fascinated by him because of our differences – he
grew up in a rough neighborhood, had lived a Tom Sawyeresque
adolescence after his parents moved to the suburbs, and had hitchhiked
across the country for a good two years, just seeing what there
was to see. I, coming from a more circumscribed conventional
background tried on, vicariously, the sensation of personal freedom
that he exuded. As a semi-good girl wishing to experience more
adventure, I loved to hear of his escapades and the intensity
and drama that were a part of his life. I had no notion of the
impact he would have upon mine. “To measure the man, measure his heart." Malcolm Stevenson Forbes Feb 2007 - Face Yourself “ Every morning, Kitty Carlisle Hart gazes at herself in her dressing-room mirror and says, ‘I forgive you for whatever you did yesterday. ‘When I ask her how she evolved this philosophy, she says, ‘It all goes back to my mother.’” The above is a quote from an article in March’s “Vanity Fair” that was written by Michael Feinstein. Kitty Carlisle Hart, who is 96, is currently performing in a sellout nightclub act. WOW! What a woman! Did she have a smart mom or what?! Kitty Carlisle Hart gets it; this is the essence of what makes life wonderful and allows us to live it with jam-packed enthusiasm. Forgiving, liking, appreciating you, that’s what it’s all about. Look, no one starts out saying, “I will be an alcoholic, unfaithful, untrustworthy, or mean. Traits of this type develop as we accept self- and other-imposed guilt. Nothing is more damaging and life wasting than the belief that past acts irrevocably damn us beyond the point of recovery. Is it important to take responsibility for the things we do? Of course it is. However, when we do not allow ourselves to learn about how to live as we go along, we prevent ourselves from growing into the talented, unique individuals that we are intended to be. What a waste. It is never too late to have a good life. It is never too late to do our part to make the world we live in a better place. If Kitty Carlisle Hart can develop and perform in a nightclub act (that people are clamoring to see) at the age of 96, how can we possibly insist that it is too late to find the love, efficacy, and meaning in our own lives? Why do we label ourselves as “bad” when we make mistakes? What is this perfectionism we convince ourselves we must attain? Who has given us an effective, workable definition of perfection? If any of you know, please pass your answers along to me. Self-acceptance, love and liking are what it’s all about. No one but you knows what’s truly in your heart. Do you struggle with feelings of anger, envy, scorn, or bitterness? Why not try trusting that these are normal human feelings and that the challenge is not to obliterate them from your psyche but to know they are a part of you and that the challenge is to figure out what to do with them? I have worked with so many clients, who believe that at the age of 30, 45, whatever, their chances of finding love are doomed to failure. Why do perfectly in touch believe this? Do we become less lovable because we have (hopefully) acquired wisdom? Let me tell you something, a good-looking face and great body lose their appeal when the person owning them treats you with disrespect or callousness. If you have been accepting this type of treatment and still believe that you love this person, it is possible that you are looking to feel better about yourself through someone else’s attributes. WAKE UP! This is not the royal road to happiness. When you start to believe that you are lucky because this beautiful, wealthy, glamorous person pays attention to you, you are about to get lost in the woods. Worse yet, if you feel that you must convince or (heaven forbid) beg someone to love you, it is not love that you are seeking, it’s something else and that something else will, inevitably, turn on you. We are encouraged so often in our society to “make connections”, spend our time with those who further whatever aspirations we may have. How often do such relationships feel especially comfortable? Are we relaxed as we pursue these associations? Maybe sometimes we do make real friends this way. We are not, however, accustomed or encouraged to pay attention to how we feel in this person’s or that group’s company. We all need to spend time with people who really care about us. Neglect the necessity of genuine caring and at some point you will find yourself feeling kind of empty and not knowing why. This brings us back to the original point of this newsletter. Treat yourself with kindness and compassion. Look in that mirror and see what is right about you. Break the habit of seeing your “faults”. If you want a life that’s exciting and true to who you are, stop looking around, put on your blinders, trust your smarts, your heart and your instincts. Sure, there will be people who believe they hold all truth and feel entitled to sit in judgment of those around them. Their dirty little secret is that they cannot tolerate their own flaws and are distracting themselves by concentrating on what they think are yours. They’re NOT important! If you find yourself doing that (and you will) – knock it off! Practice empathy and appreciation. You will be happier and will find that the shackles that restrain you, that trash your passions and fill you with insecurity will dissolve into the atmosphere. When that occurs, you will discover your joy and the wonder that is you.
It’s hard, when you’ve tried your best to accomplish, overcome, or succeed at something over time, and it seems that you continually fail. I know, I’ve been there. It’s easy to give up hope and feel (at least at the time) that your life is over. I know, I’ve been there too. The people who fascinate me are the ones who, despite being given very little to build on, put together meaningful lives. In other words, I am inspired by stories of courage, of human will, motivation, and the willingness to accept a less than perfect situation and then put together a life that works. Many of us have had a dream of the life we want for ourselves. This is a good thing – if you can’t dream it you can’t have it. The problem comes when we become irrevocably married to that dream. Circumstances change in life, and often the original dream becomes impossible to achieve in exactly the way we had anticipated. Those who have found contentment in their lives do not spend their time worrying about poor decisions, or the misfortunes of fate. Instead, they recognize that there are many paths that will lead us to the life to which we aspire. Freud got it right when he wrote that what we really need to make us happy is work and love. In other words, we need to feel useful and connected. Obviously, there must be some realism connected to the dream. You can’t expect a dog to sing an aria. If you can get in touch with what you really want to feel, you will, with persistence, find your way to success. You may not be able to be a football player, but, if it’s hero worship you want, there are many different ways to make that happen. If you’re looking for an intense experience, go for that. If you want to be involved in sports, playing the sport is not the only option open to you. The key (as always) is to know yourself and to understand where your yearnings lie. Be sure that you think carefully about what you want. Few things feel as bad as achieving your success only to find that it leaves you hollow. There aren’t “good” and “bad” things to desire, you just want to try to make as good a fit as possible. See if you can get beyond the goal and imagine how you will feel once you reach it. It’s a pretty good bet that you will be back with Dr. Freud, and that what you crave is, after all, work and love. It is not necessary for your aim to be for something on the grand scale. Not everyone is cut out to handle that. Know that every time you are kind to someone you contribute to your world. If you want to work with lepers in Calcutta, go do it. Not all of us, however, are destined to be Mother Theresa. How, you may ask, do we know when we’re doing what we’re meant to do? Well, take a good look in the mirror. You are not searching for signs of aging or beauty. What you are trying to find out is if you like the person who is looking back at you. You are not trying to ascertain if that person has done everything “right” – right and wrong are often hard to define. See if the person looking back is well intentioned, is honest with him/herself, lives by his/her own values. You must be compassionate with yourself. Compassion is one of the most important building blocks of humanity. Without it, we are always “less than”. Try very hard not to worry about what others may think. As I have said before in this newsletter, “they” do not exist. There will always be a pull from those linked up to you to do things the way they do them. You will find this effort from family, friends, and, sometimes, strangers. People want us to be like them so that they can feel more secure about the choices they’ve made in their own lives. We do it too. Everyone does. Try to know, in your heart, that you are the ultimate decision-maker in the path you choose, and only you are responsible for your ultimate journey. I thank Bob Dylan who was the first to tell me to “keep on keepin’ on”(in his song). We really have no other choice. If we don’t take the risk of listening to our own voices, we find ourselves facing disappointment at best and in the worst cases despair. A good, and very sad, example of this is in the book The Lonely Passion of Judith Hearne by Brian Moore. If you recognize yourself in Judith Hearne, I beg you to take this as a cautionary tale. Your details may differ, but the feelings will resonate. Finally, what I hope you will believe is that is never to late to find your happiness. Love and work are available to us at every stage of our lives. For some it arrives when they are young, others wait. Life is always ready to surprise us. Shake up your old thought patterns. Stop living on automatic pilot. Think about what you could and would like to do differently (not what you “should” do). Take a chance, open your heart, and change your routine. The Dali Lama says that the purpose of life is to be happy. Not a bad idea. "At
the center of your being you have the answer; Dec 2006 - Oh No – I’m One of Them!
Do you get nuts when you stand in a line? I do. My anxiety level soars to a point where you would think the grocery store would refuse to take my money or that I was on “The Amazing Race” and they were about to run out of tickets. What’s with that? It makes no sense to be resentful when the cashier is having a brief and pleasant encounter with the customer who is 2 ahead of me in line. What is the disaster I believe will occur if it’s necessary to wait a little longer? Is my house going to burn down? Will I be punished for arriving home 5 minutes later than planned? Do I take it as a personal insult that I am being asked to wait? You see, I know that I am being annoying when I tap my fingers, hum, and sigh, at the audacity of those ahead of me who dare to keep me waiting. Yet, such histrionics pour out of me with mindless intensity. If I were watching me, I would declare myself to be obnoxious. It has been increasingly apparent to me over the past couple of years that there is a growing sense of entitlement in the air. We are not talking about the narcissism discussed by Christopher Lasch in The Culture of Narcissism. This excellent, groundbreaking book was a comment on the “me-niss” of the 1980’s. Tom Wolfe’s The Bonfire of the Vanities addressed this issue in fictional form. Entitlement goes beyond narcissism in that those of us so afflicted believe that not only are we entitled to what we, personally have worked for, but also the “riches” of others. In my practice I have encountered an astounding number of families in which there is shockingly bitter feuding over the cutting off of support by those who are perceived to hold the family wealth. A terrible case written up in a magazine told of a son who actually had his mother arrested (on trumped-up criminal charges) because she decided to help him in the way she felt she could rather than the way in which he wished. What is this? Do we lay blame at the feet of Generation X, Y, or Z? Have we, as parents and guides, prepared the ground on which this particularly ugly shrub is allowed to grow and thrive? I really am not sure. It has been well documented that we are using up our natural resources. Your child or grandchild can no longer go to college and expect a plentiful number of job opportunities upon graduation. It has been projected that those who follow the baby-boomers will be the first generation that not only will not make more money, but will also live shorter lives than their parents. There is often the feel (unlike the postwar ‘50’s) that there is simply not enough to go around. This feeling of shrinking supplies was compounded by the fall of the dot coms. Young people made unheard of sums of money. Many of them, who knew nothing of deprivation, were quite unprepared for the collapse of that segment of the economy and found themselves starting over. So, you may ask, what does this have to do with “waiting in line” impatience? When I dig down to discover what is going on with me, I realize that any form of being put on hold increases my level of anxiety. It’s rather like a mild form of being in survival mode. Now, of course I know this makes no logical sense. It does, however, make psychological sense. Given my personal set of demons and self-doubts (we all have them, you know), combined with the generalized sense of unease prevalent in the world today, I can get a handle on why no one wants me behind them in line and promise to try to adopt a more considerate attitude. So, we are left with a conundrum – what to do about an environment in which we would rather e-mail than talk? Are we truly happy in our insular computerized lives in which we can, for the most part, avoid dealing face to face with those who “make” us feel uncomfortable. What have we gained? What have we lost? The true answers lie in what makes sense for each of us, individually. However, at a time of mass human cruelty it makes a great deal of sense to think beyond our corporal presence and take into account that, as the old, yet true, saying goes, “What goes around comes around.” At this time of New Year; new beginnings; it might be a good idea to think about what we wish to “come around” to us as we plow through this adventure we call life. May all your wishes be wise ones, and may they all come true.
Nov
2006
- An Overlooked Blessing
We worry that we are too fat or thin or have bags under our eyes. We rush to the hair salon to ensure that our gray roots don’t show, and fret over the fact that our physical selves, over time, have seemed to drift downward. I understand – I’m right there with you. It’s been years since I’ve seen my “real” hair and I don’t intend to get to know it at any time in the foreseeable future. At the same time I am aware that there’s a lot that’s inherently wrong with this degree of self-focus, and, even worse, self-criticism. Whatever causes us distress; whatever permits us to feel badly about ourselves requires a looking at. So, I invite you to join me on a journey toward greater self-love. Like it or not, we are engineered to change. We would not choose to have a brain that stalled at the age of sixteen (just imagine, a world full of teen-agers!), why are we shocked and disappointed when our bodies adjust as we age? Of course we live in a youth-worshipping culture. Does this mean that we lack the ability to decide for ourselves what is beautiful, positive, and worthwhile? If we don’t exercise our right to independent thought, why have we thrust aside such an important privilege? To paraphrase football coach Bill Parcells, “It’s the people who are able to ignore the fact that others are looking who are the most successful”. I don’t even like Bill Parcells, but I will agree with him on this point. Ultimately, the world will treat you the way you treat yourself. Women, in particular, are browbeaten into seeing everything that’s wrong with their physical appearance. Worse yet, we have a tendency to devalue our smarts, humor, and spirit. When you see it written out, it doesn’t make a lot of sense, does it? I don’t know about you, but I was always quite certain that by the time I was 50 I would be wearing orthopedic shoes, an apron over a flowered dress, and have white, short-cut, curly hair. Well, I passed the 50-year marker a while ago, and am still not ready to embrace that particular image. What happened? Well, one thing that changed is a health consciousness that has encouraged many of us to eat well, continue to move, and use our brains. Our grandmothers (or great grandmothers) didn’t know that vitality after middle age (whenever that is) was an option. The idea of matriarch or patriarch has shifted. More of us have access to fitness centers, videos, and health-conscious groups. That we employ these aides is terrific. When we become discouraged that we cannot transform ourselves into the 25-year-olds we once were. The resultant disappointment is the consequence of unrealistic expectations. Each of us has the ability to love who we are at this particular time. We must, however, make the choice to do just that. Think about it. Don’t you think you deserve to give yourself this particular reward? I don’t care what your age is, if you want to flirt – flirt! If you want to try a new fashion – try it. Maybe you like very bright colors or want to learn to skateboard. Take a crack at whatever it is you want to do and don’t let somebody’s displaced ageism stop you. Would you rather take a chance or hold on to a regret for opportunities you’ve allowed to pass you by. Just because you’ve reached a certain stage in your life does not mean you have to throw in the towel and merely tolerate your existence. The real truth is, if you’ve raised your kids, given them
the tools for success in life; if you’ve endured the pain
of failing parents or their loss; if you’ve worked hard
and done the things you, or others, have expected you to, don’t
you think it’s time to rejoice in your accomplishments?
You don’t need anyone’s approval, except your own.
So, if you think you look good and are doing great, trust your
judgment and choose to be a spectacular 45, 53, 67, 72, or 85
year-old and celebrate your face, body, spirit, and everything
that makes you, YOU! "[We] never cease to stand like curious children before the great mystery into which we were born." Albert Einstein
I am at the stage of life in which my children are grown and have families of their own. My children think they know me. It’s understandable that they think that, I have been their mother longer than I was not their mother. They do not, however, know the things I saw, the experiences I experienced, what it was like to be the child of my parents, or what it meant to grow up in the 50’s in Washington, D.C., a predominantly southern city at that time. Is this important? It is to me. Childhood sets the stage for the rest of our lives. It is the time when we are the most impressionable. The stamp of childhood is the core of our character. When I think about the things that contribute to the inexhaustible reality of the generation gap, I have a new appreciation for all that I don’t know, and never can, about my parents in the years that shaped who they were to become. We can study the times that preceded our own, but we will never have the taste, smell, and feel for the texture of those times. When I grew up children could go out to play in the morning and not return home until it was time for dinner. Our parents rarely worried about where we were. It was my job to break the ends off of string beans or shell peas as part of the preparation for the family dinner. When the weather was nice, I would sit on the front steps of our apartment building so that I could have fresh air (it was really fresh then) while I completed my tasks. I remember the lilac trees that lined the back of the property on which we lived, multitudes of butterflies, lightning bugs, and endless searches for four-leafed clovers. We were the first people on our block to get a television. My parents would leave the door open so that neighbors could crowd into our tiny living room, while the overflow stood in the hall and sat on milk boxes as they waited to experience this exciting new form of entertainment. We watched boxing, Kukla, Fran and Ollie, and Bishop Sheen. Everyone knew everyone else and the fear of strangers was not a part of our daily life. This is not to say the times were perfect. We were very afraid of polio, and McCarthy was busy stirring up paranoia about Communism, but I don’t remember ever feeling personally unsafe. People pretty much stayed put in those times. It was a shock when our across the hall neighbors moved away when I was nine. I had never known a life without “Uncle” Nick, “Aunt” Nina, and their son Bobby, who was the first boy I fell in love with. I had little experience of the loss of people I was accustomed to seeing every day, and can remember wondering if life could really go on without them. I was an only child, so there were no sibs to share the feel of my childhood. That pleases me. I love having my private memories. My daughter has often asked me what it was like to grow up then. I can provide her with descriptions and tell her stories, but there is no way to convey to her the gestalt of those times. I know that I was lucky to have experienced an era that now seems so innocent compared to the world in which we now reside. Today, so many of us are concerned about “power” and “control”. We didn’t think in those terms when I was growing up. There was no arguing that our parents were the bosses and competition between friends simply wasn’t as prevalent as it is today. We were enfolded in the feeling of “plenty”. We didn’t worry about getting into colleges; there was room for everyone who wanted to go. We were not obsessed with collecting “things”. In fact, my mother was of the opinion that the more you had the more you had to dust. No one who was in the middle class was concerned about paying medical bills – if you needed a doctor he would, frequently, come to see you. It may sound like I long to go back, but that’s not true. I have been fortunate in that, in large part, I have lived the life I want. Some of the things that I was taught to believe in ended up betraying me. There have been controversial and seemingly risky decisions I have made that have turned out really well. Mine has not been a cookie-cutter existence and that suits my personality. It pleases me is that there was a time when I knew few of the people who are actively in my life today. As I look back over the arc of my years it is intriguing to me to recognize how both the world and I have changed. Sometimes it’s so easy, when times are difficult, to believe they will last forever. Take a walk down memory lane. No matter what your past was like, you moved on. Take heart from this knowledge, and know that life’s pages are always turning and, somewhere, in your past, you garnered the tools you will need for today and tomorrow. "All of childhood's unanswered questions must finally be passed back to the town and answered there. Heroes and bogeymen, values and dislikes, are first encountered and labeled in that early environment. " Maya Angelou
Sep
2006 - It's Best to Just Say It !
You must have, as you’ve gone through life, faced the dilemma as to whether or not to directly discuss an interaction that has been a problem for you vis-à-vis someone else. There may be many reasons to avoid a discussion. Some are healthy, others not. Whatever your decision, if you come to a resolution that is well thought-out in terms of a reasonable self-interest you are more likely to be satisfied with the outcome, I am not proposing that you charge into the world with an emotional machete. You will not be happy (nor will many of the people you encounter) if you mow ‘em all down with your verbal tank. Instead, as you decide whether or not to directly address something that bothers you, as always, you must know yourself and what you can and cannot put up with. Perhaps you are afraid of seeming petty. That happened to me, many years ago, at a conference .The woman sitting next to me was knitting. Every time she used her left hand her elbow poked me in the arm. It didn’t hurt. However, by the end of the day I was ready to wrap her up in her knitting and send her off to a sheep farm! Looking back on it I know that it would have been wiser to simply ask her to move over. Why didn’t I? It was a small thing; I didn’t want to seem unpleasant. What I discounted was that it was also extremely annoying and that by the end of the day my silence would leave me frustrated with her, and, more importantly, with myself. Your circumstance may be that this is someone who simply insists on having his or her way. The trick to this is to understand that, without realizing it, that person is behaving like a bully. What do we do with bullies? We stand up to them. It’s not necessary to handle this with aggression. Just, calmly, say, “No, I’d rather do it this way”. If you don’t do this when it’s something that feels important to you, you will find yourself resenting and avoiding that person and feeling unwarranted and unneeded antipathy Why put yourself through that? This is the rule of thumb: If all things are equal in terms of actual need, it makes no sense (emotionally) to always put your own wishes aside. Your dominating friend will probably be shocked that you’ve changed, but you can, good-naturedly, acknowledge that this is the new you and you want to participate in the decision-making process. Finally, there is the famous “Ignoring the elephant under the rug”. My clients hear about this from me until they’re blue in the face. This occurs when there is a large, sensitive issue between you and another, and your fear is that to address it could cause a serious rupture in the relationship. Now, I can’t guarantee what the outcome will be, but I can promise you that, as long as you ignore what’s going on, you will be tripping all over that elephant. Furthermore, it will begin to stink! That elephant will not simply go away. Most of the time, a tactful discussion, in which you reveal your true feelings, without blaming the other person for those feeling (they are yours after all), will allow you begin to heal what has gone wrong between the two of you. Sometimes, a relationship will blow up when you attempt to address a problem. When this happens, be very careful as you frame your response. In fact, give yourself time to think about how you want to handle the situation. It’s much better to put your reply on “hold” than to lash out in a way that you will later regret. It’s very easy to forget that the other person also has a stake in this and probably wants to keep you in his/her life. If the outcome is disastrous, of course, it will hurt. You will probably review the events that led you to this point and you may regret that you didn’t let things “slide”. Try to remember that if you had avoided the discussion you would have been stuck with a big, smelly elephant as your sidekick and that would get pretty old. Additionally, if a discussion of the problem leads to a rupture, you can be quite certain that your bond to the other person was already severely weakened. If the situation cannot be righted, you have the small comfort of knowing that you did the best you could. The point here is that, in the long run, it is always a mistake to keep yourself in a situation that is damaging to your self-esteem. Look, none of this is easy. I struggle with these issues the same as you. I have, on occasion, lost relationships that were very important to me. These losses still hurt. I do believe, however, that, prized connections must include honesty. You can’t be close and hold a bitter taste simultaneously. It’s important to clear the air for the sake of love and respect, yours and the other person’s. It has been my experience that when two people have successfully gone through a struggle increased trust and understanding are the result. Genuinely caring connections are a large part of what makes life worth living. Wishing all of you the love and respect that you truly deserve. "Kindness is the only service that will stand the storm of life and not wash out. It will wear well and will be remembered long after the prism of politeness or the complexion of courtesy has faded away" Abraham Lincoln Aug 2006 - Unexpected Blessings When I met my husband 13 years ago, I had mixed emotions about the fact that he had sons aged 3 and 6. I had already raised my own kids and wasn’t especially eager to revisit the process. Sure, I appreciated that he was a responsible father. I understood that commitment is commitment and that this man knew how to do that. I just had no desire to “mother” young children again and made it very clear that if our relationship worked out, I was not prepared to have the boys live with us full-time. Years passed, as they have a way of doing, we married, and the boys were definitely a part of our lives; sometimes for better and sometimes unquestionably for worse. Our most painful disagreements centered on family issues. “You don’t like my family!” “I am sick of hearing you say that – you hurt my feelings!” and on and on. We, like all couples had made assumptions of the trajectory the blending of two families would follow, and, unfortunately, we sometimes found ourselves with differing sets of expectations. Let me say, that even though both of us knew that this was “normal”, it was painful nonetheless. Five years after we were married we moved from Boston to Bonita Springs. The dynamic had again shifted, and instead of weekend visits, it only made sense for the boys to stay for anywhere up to a month once they got here. Our new home had extra bedrooms, so the housing part of the adjustment became easier. The emotional tweaking was a lot more complicated. I had waited a long time to meet someone like my husband and was never overly thrilled at having to share his attention. When we first got together, we would watch television in the evening glued together on the sofa. Eventually that fell by the wayside, but I jealously worked to keep the focus on the two of us. I know how selfish that sounds. I believed, and still do, that I had somehow stumbled on to the love of my life and wanted to savor every moment. Let me be very clear, the boys were always nice to me. We did a lot of laughing when they were around and it was easy to feel love for them. They were always affectionate and loving toward me. Their father made it clear that we were both rule makers and enforcers. My problem was the rationing of time and attention. I couldn’t even kid myself about my motives. I knew that I was being unfair and childish, but I felt how I felt and that was it. Then came the day I had most dreaded and resisted – for many complex reasons the boys were coming to stay. It’s probably a good thing that I had only one day’s notice; because I probably would have been foaming at the mouth by the time they arrived. It was a tough move for all of us. The boys were not happy to be uprooted. They had to attend new schools that were about to close for the summer. Since bus service was not immediately available, I was recruited as a school dropper-offer and picker-upper and was less than delighted to be the oldest “mother” in the line of vehicles that dispensed and collected youngsters. As for my husband, although he loved having his sons live with us, he soon became swept up in the nonstop need for rides, extra milk, and problems that required discipline or consolation. We were all exhausted. The boys were with us for more than a year. I would love to tell you that I stopped complaining and became a regular Mrs. Brady. Not so! When my hard drive was wrecked, my time taken hostage, and my husband out of energy for the types of quiet time discussions we used to have, I complained and groaned and counted the days until we were all set free. Did I miss them after they left? No. I relished the peace and quiet that was left in their wake. Our 13 months of living as a nuclear family did, however, leave behind a stunning surprise. Despite the hassle and, sometimes, painful encounters, I had, while I wasn’t looking, come to love them as something more than stepchildren. Did I love them like a mother? No, it’s better than that. Living with the boys did not stir up guilt for past mistakes and I don’t feel responsible for their futures. The “boys” who are now verging on becoming “men” have become an essential part of my life. I feel their love for me. They give it freely and I know it is genuine. Whatever mistakes I have made as a mother with my own children have not rubbed off on my husband’s sons. As to the lesson to be learned…once I embraced the people that the person I love loved, something I had never expected was revealed to me. The love was multiplied and intensified. My stepsons are favorite figures in the lives of my children’s children. There is more than enough love to go around for all of us. I cannot imagine my life without my stepsons in it. It would be far more boring and I would miss them dearly. As they enter adulthood, I find myself trying to imagine who they will become. One thing I know for sure, they will continue to add excitement, frustration, and joy to the adventure I call my life. I love them with all my heart and always will.
"All who would win joy must share it; happiness was born a twin" Lord Byron Jul 2006 - A Different Kind of Place We just returned from our annual one-week stay in southern Vermont. I call it the land where all the children have unusual names and beautiful hand knit sweaters.mAlthough it’s hard to generalize, it seems to me that Vermont has a character and coda all its own. In some ways it feels like a throwback to the time when communes were more prevalent, and in others it seems like its own special type of aspirant utopia. Of course, there is the beauty of the Green Mountains, which are a part of the Appalachian Mountain range. In the summer the mountains are brilliantly and breathtakingly green with amazing wild flowers like orange lilies, Queen Anne’s lace, cornflowers, forget-me-nots and many other species that effortlessly and reliably display their glory unabashedly for passers-by to enjoy. Most of the time our cell phones did not work in Vermont. This depended on whether we were on the top or bottom of a hill. In some ways it was, as you can imagine, really inconvenient. On the other hand, being somewhat cell phone phobic as I am, it was a relief to be able to have a long conversation face to face without interruption Where we were, near Brattleboro, there is, truly, a feeling of community. As a rule folks don’t lock the doors of their cars, neighbors know and help each other, and fathers don’t give lip service to being involved in their childrens’ lives, they really are. Whether I visited a toddlers’ swimming class or a music lesson, I could count on seeing Dads in the pool, drying wet heads, and tapping on tambourines. Did I forget to mention the food? Well, that’s a very special pleasure and aspect of Vermont life. Organic produce is sold everywhere and is frequently right from the farm. Milk from cows that is free of growth hormones and other additives is easily attained. We even purchased milk in glass (recyclable) bottles. The food co-op in Brattleboro is truly that -- cooperative. Members agree to work assigned shifts in exchange for a reduced price for groceries. It is possible to buy everything from sesame seaweed salad to fresh-baked blueberry pies under its roof. The restaurants in the area follow suit. While there is, of course, a McDonalds there are also numerous reasonably priced restaurants that feature just-cooked food produced by vendors who are known personally by the restaurateurs. On our way to Bennington, near Hogback Mountain, we saw bison steaks offered from animals that were raised at a nearby bison farm. Now, I would not be drawn to such an offering, but for those who are, you can’t get it any fresher than that! Fashion is a non-issue in this section of southern Vermont. While I don’t believe I would want to give up some of my acculturated habits regarding make-up and simply pretty things to wear, I salute those women whose un-dyed hair, cosmetic-free faces and sturdy practical clothing are the norm. I admire the self-accepting atmosphere that encourages such practices. As with many places to which I have journeyed, it was grand to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there full-time. Vermonters are sturdy souls, who adapt to frigid weather, and gloomy winter days. I know myself, and if the temperature were around freezing with a wind chill factor to boot, you would not be able to pry me from under a pile of quilts. This would be a huge problem because in that part of the country you will not find an abundance of home-delivered food and necessities. I would probably rather starve than face an unheated garage, not to mention the “great” outdoors. The purpose of this treatise is not merely descriptive. Our vacation reminded me that there are many ways to live a life. When you get to know yourself, you gain a better understanding of what home feels like to you. My message to anyone who is living in an environment that doesn’t feel quite right is -- try something different. It is so easy to believe we are stuck, when in fact, much of the time change is possible. I’m not saying that it is easy to uproot and relocate. What I am saying is that only you know what suits your needs and brings you joy. Try very hard to resist the help-rejecting complainers who will try to convince you that your options are limited. Of course you will be required to give up certain things that you care about. However, you may find that there are many different kinds of places that suit you just fine. If you long to explore what’s out there, take a chance; adventure may be just around the corner. "Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to get out -- and you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot. " George Burns
Jun 2006 - The
Nature of Love
What is love? What does it look like? How does it feel? Of
course, there are as many Love cannot
be forced. It’s there or it isn’t. So,
when we spend time dreaming up a I know,
you’ve heard it 100 times, “you can’t
expect someone to change”. That’s true. It seems to me that when you realize that something that you
do, that is not crucial to Love is not mean-spirited. No matter how angry you are it is
essential to remember The healthiest relationships allow each person to be completely
and uniquely You deserve to be loved for exactly who you are. When you twist
yourself around in an Finally, it is close to impossible for love to survive over
the long haul if both people do I believe
in love. I believe in abiding love. If that is what you want,
don’t give up; your “Lovers
do not hide their nakedness" Congolese Proverb May
2006
- The Parentless Child
“I wish your parents were alive to see you. They would be so proud of you.” This is what my almost 92-year-old Aunt Sylvia said to me when I called to wish her a happy Mother’s Day earlier this month. Here I am, with more years behind me than ahead and those were the most warming and touching words I could have heard. I have not had parents for 19 years now, but it actually makes me glow to think that they would be proud of the person that I have become. We all grow up being dependent on pleasing someone. Our knowledge of self and our personal set of moral principles develop and change as we gain life experience. A child, being reliant on the approval of others, has various standards that he/she is expected to live up to. A grown-up is expected to have all of this in place. In school we received grades. As adults, there is no one to pass or fail us, and we learn to trust our own judgment. As children, our caretakers certainly let us know whether we were hitting or missing the mark. As adults, we understand that it can be difficult to evaluate a particular decision or action. We know now, that “right” and “wrong” are not absolutes. This makes everything a lot harder. This may be a curious admission for a woman in the 21st century to make, but there are times when I wish there was a measure to guide me as I go along in the world. We live in a time where we are encouraged to think for ourselves and follow our passions. I have certainly encouraged those I work with to dig deep and learn what truly makes life a joy for her or him. Why is it then that I labor to reconcile the pull between my commitment to living independently and the longing for affirmation that originates outside myself? For me, this is an ongoing and everlasting struggle. The experiences of childhood are a part of us; they are woven into the cloth of our being. We can no more expunge the lessons of our upbringing than change the century in which we live. We are imprinted with the yearning for approval that we experienced in childhood. This is not a bad thing, it simply is. We are all the children of the folks who raised us. Whether we are rebellious or docile, we are influenced by the values that were handed to us. Many of these values are held unconsciously, and we become aware of them only in times of crisis or confusion. Unknowingly, many of us follow the mandates of our early years as if they were written in stone. There have been times in my life when I fully expected a hand to descend from the heavens and grab me by the throat when I chose to go along a heretofore-unsanctioned path. The child in me has been frightened. The adult has encouraged me to follow my heart. It is so easy to forget that our parents were flesh and blood, the same as we. Most of them were following their own combination of inherited and autonomously decided rules for life. They were unconscious like we are. They were frightened as well. Moses did not descend from Mt. Sinai, as far as I know, and personally hand “new and revised” tablets of commandments to them or to us. We all tiptoe around, living the best possible lives we know how to live. Deciding the fundamental way to be in this world has become increasingly difficult, as we have progressed from generation to generation. When we reject a blind following of the “rules” we become responsible for our decisions. This is called growing up. It is a hard thing to do. I am not embarrassed to say that there are times when I wish someone else were “in charge”. When I could be the recipient of an “A” or a gold star. I feel so fortunate to have an Aunt Sylvia. She is the last member of my family from my parents’ peer group. I want her to live forever. As I embrace the pull I experience between the adult I am and the child I was, I do so knowing that a healthy stage of separation/individuation is successfully completed when we can integrate the old and the new. The task is made easier when those who preceded us in our families are still here to remind us of from whence we came. Part of our job, after they have passed on, is to internalize the wisdom they have given us. When we do this our former caretakers are available to us at will and we can use the recollection of their spirit as a reminder of some of the reasons we have become who we are. I love and treasure my Aunt Sylvia both for who she is and for her connection to those who gave me life. I have given myself permission to look for and welcome her approval. I hope that all of you will turn to your “Aunt Sylvia’s” and allow yourselves to do the same. “It
is certain that memory contains not only philosophy Apr 2006 - Dorothy's Story Dorothy is dying. She has terminal cancer. What makes this especially awful is that Dorothy, for months and months, has been telling her doctors that she is in pain. Her doctors prescribed Prilosec. Her doctors didn’t pay much attention to Dorothy’s complaints. They failed to consider the possibility that something was seriously wrong. The reason? Dorothy is mentally ill. She has been her entire adult life. These doctors, like so many of us, tend to overlook the cries for help from people suffering from chronic mental illness. They, like many of us, believe that such individuals are unreliable reporters. They, like many of us, forget that even those suffering from severe psychotic episodes have times of lucidity and have the right as human beings to be seriously listened to and treated with respect. The stereotype for people who are afflicted with brain disorders is that they are permanently “out of it”. This formulaic view infects the way we look at people who have schizophrenia, Alzheimer’s disease, traumatic brain injury, and a host of other neurological disorders. Additionally, we tend to disregard the reporting of elderly and handicapped individuals, who exhibit no sign of thought disorder whatsoever. These people frighten us; make us fearful that we may be contaiged by their mere proximity. Our anxiety encourages us to devalue and distance ourselves from those who we are apprehensive we may become. As a society we are excessively worried about the threat of loss of physical, and, more critically, mental acuity. We reassure ourselves that we are okay by separating ourselves from those we see as “less than” that which we believe ourselves to be. Rarely do we consider the possibility that those who are handicapped have anything to offer or that they have wisdom or information from which we could benefit. It is easier to write such individuals off, to pretend they don’t exist. How often do you meet the eye of someone who is in a wheelchair or is mentally challenged? Most of us have no idea of the extent to which we are cheating ourselves when we fail to offer kindness to those who do not fall within our artificially designed constructs. Dorothy is one of life’s true champions. Although she was handed the fuzzy end of the lollipop in terms of her life’s possibilities, she is cheerful, friendly, and compassionate. During her hospitalizations Dorothy has been appreciative and considerate of those who are trying to help her. Over the years, Dorothy has conquered drug and alcohol addiction as well as a serious eating disorder. She has a large group of friends who love her and are there for her whether she is celebrating a birthday or recovering from the effects of chemotherapy. There are many of us who consider ourselves “normal” who would fail to face such challenges with Dorothy’s grace and acceptance. We resist seeing ourselves as callous or cruel, but, often, we are. We don’t want to be reminded that the people we do not take into account have feelings that can be and are hurt by our insensitivity. We don’t want to be told that any one of us could find ourselves in their situation at some future time. Life often has a way of dealing to us that which we most fear. Many great thinkers believe that compassion is the highest of human qualities. The practice of compassion requires us to reach beyond our fear of the “other”, discard our judgments, and recognize the humanity of those whose life circumstances differ from ours. This is not easy. However, a civilization that flaunts its heartless lack of mercy and understanding is hardly civilized. It is never too late to choose to live our lives differently; we have everything to gain and not one thing to lose.
"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these." George Washington Carver Mar 2006 - Shifting Into Neutral How do you respond when someone launches a verbal attack that is particularly hurtful? All of us have been in that situation, probably several times in our lives. We have many choices. We can fight back, run away, or blame ourselves. We always have a number of responses that are available to us. Sometimes, we forget that there is a quiet place to which we can retreat while we take time to gather our thoughts and feelings. I call this place the neutral zone. We know to give young children a “time out” when their behavior spirals out of control. We forget, however, that we can bestow that upon ourselves and that a “time out”, far from being a punishment, is an opportunity. Have you had the experience of saying, “I wish I had thought to say that!” Most of us have. We chide ourselves when we have felt tongue-tied. We may feel that we have allowed ourselves to be victimized when we remain silent, or, conversely, regret a response made in anger. It’s hard to feel okay on such occasions. At times like these, it’s helpful to remember that we can retreat into the safety of the neutral zone. Of course, what I am talking about is impulse control – that concept that we try so hard to imprint on the consciousness of the adolescents in our lives. Now, there’s nothing “sexy” about impulse control. Once again we are asking ourselves to delay gratification. Why should we do that? Because living with regret lasts a lot longer than the satisfaction of a clever response. I am in NO WAY suggesting that any of us become doormats. It is always appropriate to set limits. No one is required to endure cruelty. If you are living or working in a situation where someone who has the ability to seriously affect your life is mistreating you, it is important to take the time to strategize how best to handle this situation. You may want to discuss your problem with someone you trust as well as write about your feelings. Writing will help you to organize your thoughts. Do not share what you have written with the person who is causing you distress – it is far too personal and your position, at such times, may well be exaggerated. It is never too late to respond. When you do respond, or, if you do respond, it should be after you have had the time to assess what your goals are for the outcome. If your objective is simply to hit back – let it go. You will do more damage to your own self-esteem than you will to the other person’s ego. If you are dealing with a stranger you will never see again, really think about if your reply is worth the energy you will expend. You want to take action in a way that will be beneficial to your overall well being. We are not looking for martyrs here, but for self-respecting, confident individuals who know that they have discipline and control when it comes to their emotions. Taking the time the circumstances require can be extremely powerful and is always a good choice. Try to remember that when someone employs a hurtful and inappropriate outburst, it says far more about him or her than it does you. Really try not to take such tirades personally. No one controls another’s response. If someone tries to persuade you that you are responsible for his or her behavior, please know that you are not that influential. There are always several ways to react at any given time and we always choose the way we behave when we are stressed. You are responsible for no one but yourself. The neutral zone is a place where you can feel safe and soothed. It is a good place to retreat to as you are deciding what to do. The neutral zone is a wonderful tool that is always available in times of unease. In the long run, it is better to be proactive than reactive. Do not give away your self respect, happiness and personal power, they belong to you and no one else. Keep in mind that whatever is upsetting you today, no matter how disturbing, is still a small tile in the mosaic of your life. “Our behavior is a function of our decisions, not our conditions" Steven Covey Feb 2006 - Just What Is Love...Exactly? I hope you’re not expecting an answer to this question. I don’t know what love is…exactly. I do know, however, that there are people and creatures I do love as well as those who have never found quite the same place in my heart. All of us have heard, at one time ore another, “I don’t love him/her better, I love him/her differently”. Many of us pretend to understand this, but truth be told such statements often leave us confused. That “thing” that we all long to give and receive remains elusive. It slips through our fingers when we try to pin it down. Yet, we feel sad and empty without it and far more than any material possession, love is a pretty good indicator of a well-lived life. It is my belief that love has to do with my unconscious communicating with your unconscious and through some system of identification and projection we experience an “aha!” you’re the person I love. Anthropologist Helen Fisher of Rutgers University is now working with www.match.com on a site of her own called www.chemistry.com. She says, “People believe that depression, anger and fear have chemistry, but they somehow relegate romantic love to the supernatural. I thought there was a chemistry to love and looked into it…” It will be interesting to see the results of her research. In his excellent book, Can Love Last? Stephen Mitchell takes a look at romantic love. He says, “Romance fades because it is inspired by idealization, and idealization is, by definition, illusory. We fall in love under the spell of fantasy; time is the enemy of romance because it brings reality and inevitable disillusionment.” So, clearly, “love” is a separate entity from “romance”. It serves us well to remember that the next time we attempt to hold someone else responsible for our illusions. Of course, many of us feel love for our pets and our plants. Do my Pekingese and Shih Tzu have an unconscious through which they communicate? You’ve got me. I don’t think I’ll go out on a limb over that one. I do believe that love flows between us and it would be hard to convince me that what I’m experiencing isn’t real. Of course I project my feelings all over them. I erroneously assume that the dogs and I have a perfect love relationship in which they forgive my every thoughtless and inconsiderate action. Do fellow humans give us the same leeway? Of course not! And, they shouldn’t. It seems to me that in human love there must be an element of appreciation for the character or soul of the other person. This becomes quite complicated in the relationship between parent and child, especially as our children reach adulthood. It is also a problem in failed romantic relationships and intense friendships. We do have to make peace with the reality check that love inexorably delivers. It is important to somehow find a way to work toward an acceptance of individual differences and the disappointments that each of us brings to the other. In some instances, where we feel we have been terribly wronged, this is an especially difficult task. Without some form of resolution however, the conflict will inevitably poison the well being of those who are not successful in coming to terms with their experience of disenchantment. It is simply unhealthy, psychologically and physically, to allow resentment to burrow into our core. Please do not think that I do not believe in love or that I believe love is impossible to find and keep. Quite the opposite is true. I know that love is transformational. Love can lift us above ourselves and inspire us to radiate its magic to those who enter our lives. I believe that love is a part of that mysterious thing we call “charisma”. A healthy love that is a combination of love of self and the other is one of the most powerful forces on earth. The assertion, by Lord Tennyson, “Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” is one with which I completely and absolutely agree. We must all try to remember this when love goes awry. Be it chemistry, the unconscious, a need to nurture or procreate, we live in a world in which love may well be as necessary to survival as the air we breathe. Love comes in many different forms and packages. It can be hard to recognize. Without it, I imagine, we would all be mad. Wishing you love during this month of valentines and every month for the rest of your lives. “Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow
back and
Jan
2006 - So
You Think You Want to be the Favorite!
Most of us were taught, growing up, that we were meant to excel, to be the best. Of course, “the best” covers many parameters. Depending on family values, individual talents, interests, and cultural trends, we have put our focus on one area or another. Whether we have endured sibling rivalry or the fact that the kid next door was simply a faster runner, we have all been asked to compete in one arena or another. Now I was an only child. I didn’t have to compete with anyone to get my parents’ attention. That is both the good and bad news. Before I even knew what I was learning, I recognized that the “spotlight” of attention shone on both my assets and weaknesses. I got all the punishment as well as all the praise. Such a situation is always a concoction of celebration and disappointment, pride and shame. We are constantly reading about young celebrities’ struggles with sudden fame. It’s not just the flood of money, access to almost anything they can think of, or retinue of “yes men” that bring them down. What happens in such cases is that they come to believe their own publicity. It takes a certain amount of maturity and wisdom to understand that one cannot continue to burn with a white-hot light 100% of the time. It is impossible for a celebrity or anyone else to continually delight, surprise, “shine”, and stay one step ahead of what others wish them to be. When the “favorite” horse fails to win the Kentucky Derby we are far more disappointed than if one running in the middle of the pack falls short. While it is extremely flattering to be put up on that pedestal, we need to know that not only will we, eventually, fall, but that others may take that personally and be particularly angry or shocked that we were unable to live up to their expectations. Does this sound like I’m urging you to hide your light under a barrel? Not so. I am suggesting, however, that lowering your profile, flying under the radar, is something to consider. There is an old saying that goes, “When someone tells you who they are, believe them”. Tell your supporters who you are. Let them know right up front that they will be disillusioned if they expect you to enthusiastically fill the roles they put upon you or achieve excellence in all endeavors. Don’t just tell them once, you must remind them. If someone is treating you like a super hero/heroine put your ego aside and tell him or her right up front that you are “only” human. They may not believe you. They may still respond with indignation when you turn out to be exactly whom you have claimed to be. You must know, however, deep in your heart, that the projected wishes of others are not your responsibility. As with all things in life, being a “star” of any type has it’s up and down sides. If the limelight is what you wish, there’s nothing wrong with that – go for it! If your desire is to be the “best” friend, “best” teacher, “best” community organizer, that’s okay. If you tire of this role, and wish to step down, however, you must give yourself permission to do just that. Those who are accustomed to your filling up a particular position will protest; you can count on it. These are the times when you must take care of yourself and do what is best for you. You can be assured that the planet will keep on spinning. The mantra is and will continue to be, “Know Yourself!’ Do not imagine that you must be anyone other than who you are. We all crave synchronicity. The more thoroughly our inside matches our outside, the more capable we are of moving through the world with contentment and harmony. Can you imagine if everyone aspired to be the ruler of the world? We would ceaselessly be at war (now there’s a thought!). You are perfect just as you are. This is not soft-minded hogwash it’s true. Each and every one of us has a role to play in this drama we call life. Find your role. If necessary, change your role. Have the courage to back down on what others expect of you. The short run may be complicated and difficult. In the long run, you will be living the life that you wish to live. That is the greatest success of all. “All
the world's a stage, Dec 2005 - A Wish Do you ever feel reluctant to tell your age? Is it hard to find “age-appropriate” clothes when you go shopping? Are you embarrassed if someone hears you ask for a senior ticket at the movie theatre? If any of the above applies, feel reassured that you are not alone. Guess what? —The baby boomers are turning 60! Now, in many cases this is not our parents’ or grandparents’ 60, but we can still be pretty sure that we have segued out of middle age into life’s next stage. What, exactly does this mean, or, better yet, what do we think this means? To begin with, it’s time to understand that these are the good old days. We will never be able to increase our store of folks we’ve loved for more than forty or fifty years. We cannot replace those we have known our entire lives. This may seem gloomy, but it is, nonetheless, true. Therefore, it’s time to mobilize and contact, or, better yet, spend time with the people who are important to us. This is not the phase of life in which it is appropriate to say we’re much too busy to take the time for activities that are not related to that which we call success. This is the time to actually do the things we have been putting off for years. So if you have been thinking about seeing Uncle Dominic in California or Aunt Lena in Ohio, stop thinking and start doing. Is there someone you care about with whom you have lost touch? Maybe, like me, you’re hesitant to call because you fear they may admonish you for allowing the relationship to lapse. If this happens, just say, “I’m sorry that we lost each other (you needn’t accept or deny blame) and I want to remedy that situation right now. Set up a time to meet, e-mail, or speak to that person again. Both of you will be so glad that you did. The most important circumstances to address are cut-offs. A cut-off is a situation in which a formerly close person is no longer in your life by either his/her choice or yours. Cut-offs tend to come back to haunt us. We must learn to forgive the unforgivable. To forgive does not mean to condone a terrible hurt; it means to get beyond that hurt and wish the other person well. I have had painful personal experience with cut-offs. This year a woman from whom I had become estranged died. Years ago I did something that hurt her. She refused to my apologies and I was banished from her life. I called and wrote, but she turned down my overtures and I could never get through to her. I am so glad, however, that I tried. I still have dreams about this person. My consolation is that I made every possible attempt to reconnect. Do not wait until it is too late to resolve painful issues. If resolution is not possible at least you know you’ve done everything you could. Do not assume that because you are older that you are unlovable, undesirable or ineffectual Despite the ideal that our society calls “youth” there are many rewards connected to having some years under our belts. Nothing is more attractive than a person who is self-confident and self-aware. If you don’t know what makes you tick, you had better start learning. You deserve to be self-indulgent; you have put in your time. It’s hard, however to pamper yourself if you don’t know what it is that makes you happy. By now, hopefully, you understand that what and who you are is pretty darn good. So, shake your tail feathers and just be perfectly you! The time is now. My wish for you is that you are able to put guilt behind you – it is useless. My wish for you is that you recognize the love you inspire. My wish for you is that you understand how essential you are to the world that you inhabit. Most people, when they are asked if they would like to be young again say, “Yes, but I would want to know what I know now.” Therein lies the rub. You cannot know what you know now without having experienced failure and success, grief and gaiety, and the accumulation of wisdom that only the years are able to grant you. Treat yourself the way you wish the world to treat you. If you are secure in the knowledge of your significance, heaven help those who are disrespectful or, worse yet, act as if you are invisible. You have never been more visible or more completely and confidently you. The human race is lucky to have you as one of its members -- go out and celebrate! Wishing you a year of health and love in which you enjoy being and using your full self as you face life’s challenges. "But
what is happiness except the simple harmony between a person
and life they lead" Nov 2005 - At the Thanksgiving Table Thanksgiving is the holiday that we happily anticipate and we claim that it doesn’t push our buttons. Oh sure! This is probably true for children, but their parents and other adult participants almost certainly approach the holiday with fixed ideas of what constitutes a proper Thanksgiving. Often someone ends up feeling unheard, disrespected, and like some important part of the feast has been done wrong, or, worse yet, left out. The first Thanksgiving in our blended family began with my future husband asking, “How do you make your stuffing?” After that, we were off and running. We had discussions about how to make gravy, which way to roast a turkey – breast side up or down --, canned or homemade cranberry sauce, brownies with or without nuts and on and on. Thanksgiving, as we know, kicks off the holiday season. As the opening festivity, the smells, the gathering, the bird to be carved, transport us back to our somewhat burnished memories of feeling connected, included, and full of happy anticipation. This festivity arrives before we’ve stuffed ourselves for days, and suffered more than one hangover or upset stomach. We naively believe that this year it will be different, we will resist temptation, and remember to get enough exercise and sleep. For those of you who believe you have all of this under control, I say, “Congratulations”, but I, personally, don’t even want to dine on steamed fish and vegetables at this time of year. Some of us simply stick to our way of doing things and the rest be damned. Others try to make everyone happy by catering to as many expectations as they can. I belong to the latter group. On our table we actually have two different kinds of stuffing and cranberry sauce. I try to have an assortment of desserts so that everyone will be happy. My husband and I always argue over whether the turkey is or is not done and the proper way to carve the bird. We are both passionate on these subjects, and find it hard to give ground, but we do manage, in the spirit of the holiday, to reach a compromise position. One of the best Thanksgiving stories I have ever heard was about a mother who was irritated with her grown children and stuffed the turkey with spaghetti and meatballs. Here’s to you Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are! The worst Thanksgiving I ever spent was during my divorce from my first husband. He “got” the children that year, and my usual coterie of friends was unavailable. So, with a barely-known acquaintance, I went to see “The Wiz” and ate popcorn for Thanksgiving. It was beyond depressing. What I should have done was go to a shelter and assist in creating a happy holiday for someone else. Sometimes I have to learn the hard way. This year I am spending Thanksgiving with my daughter who lives in Vermont. I know I will like the food – she uses a lot of my old recipes. Dana has asked me to bake brownies (with and without nuts) and jam bars. Easy enough – I’ve been doing that for forty years. It will be my pleasure to trouble shoot the holiday for her. We have discussed seating arrangements and the amount of food to be ordered. My husband and I will be on the lookout for complainers, controllers, and those who refuse to follow “house rules” (like whether or not to let the dog out). When my children were younger, they would hear, “Everyone under thirty gets to clean up.” Will the same directive be given this year to all of us who are over fifty? I guess we’ll see. In our family we try really hard to include anyone who has no place to go. This policy invariably leads to a more interesting and less predictable gathering. Sometimes one wants to bring another who wants to bring another. You know how that goes. As my mother would say, “Just add more water to the soup.” In the end, we have one more Thanksgiving memory to put into our scrapbook of remembrances. After dinner we talk about Thanksgivings past with burnt veggies, spilt juice, and the item we forgot to take out of the oven. We have learned to laugh at ourselves and understand that the holiday is perfect in its imperfection. Finally, we do remember to give thanks for we know we are blessed in our ability to congregate and celebrate. Wishing all of you a Thanksgiving to look back on with a smile. "We
can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts
are conscious of our treasures." Thomas Wilder
In a world that has bestowed upon us hurricanes, earthquakes, terrorist attacks and wars, it is easy to lose perspective. More and more, we hear reports of people suffering from a chronic, nonspecific feeling of anxiety. Gone are the days when we left our doors unlocked and felt comfortable nodding “hello” to strangers we pass on the street. We live in a time when it’s smart to identify those we can count on, those we know we can trust. What happens when you don’t have, or lose, some, or one, of the people who makes you feel safe in the world? It’s a situation that most of us don’t like to imagine, no less experience. Occasions that will trigger our feelings of insecurity are the loss of a parent, close friend, or anyone who symbolically represents stability on a personal level. It matters not if the relationship with that person was “good” or if we depended on that individual to keep us grounded. The child we once were lives on beneath the layers of acquired knowledge, sophistication, and poise we utilize in adulthood. The child we once were is the oldest, most primitive, and, in some ways, most powerful part of that which we call “ourselves”. The child has the muscle to surface without warning and level us with feelings of helplessness and vulnerability. The child anguishes over the loss of a parent or parent representative. When a relationship that is really important to us becomes disrupted, we flap around like fish that have been set in a meadow. It is useful to take a look at those who enhance our ability to conduct ourselves with some sanity. Everyone has their own criteria for identifying those who prop them up in times of distress. I have recognized that I begin to falter when I have, what I consider to be, a serious fight with my husband, Harry. Now Harry, in certain ways, has me trumped when it comes to stability. He doesn’t struggle with fears of “You love me today, but will you love me tomorrow?” Harry was raised in a home with it’s own brand of chaos that didn’t revolve around the granting and withdrawal of affection. Therefore, when we clash, he is able to hold steady while I am convinced that the world is spinning out of control and the apocalypse is nigh. My outlook, at such times, is immature and out of kilter, but, that’s the way I’m glued together. I don’t think that part of my personality is going to change – it’s been there too long. This raises the question of what to do when terror thumps toward us and exposes our (universal) fear of abandonment? I try to console myself with the premise that I always have myself. I have overcome a number of serious challenges. The past is a good predictor of the future, and, therefore, I can foretell, with some certainty, that I will survive. I am an intelligent, usually resourceful woman. So, what’s the problem? The problem is that underneath, in a masked and very hidden part of myself I KNOW that I am only a rock of jello! There, it’s out, I’ve said it – I jiggle and quiver and pulsate at the thought of navigating the world without my primary ally. Eventually I do come to realize that the current crises will pass and tomorrow will appear. I try to measure the severity of the current situation by asking myself, “Will you remember that this happened a year from now?” If the answer is “no”, I have, at least, the intellectual understanding that whatever is troubling me is not really all that important. How
many of us fail to have confidence in our ability to take care
of
ourselves? My guess would be that we are large in number.
It would be so nice to know how to convert “head” knowledge
of our ability to cope to that which infiltrates the heart and
soul. In the meantime, I suggest that we attempt to behave like “grown-ups” (whatever
that means) and do our best to understand that deep down inside
every one of us there is a rock of jello just waiting to be uncovered. May you chase away the goblins on Halloween and all the other
days of the year. Sep 2005 - Finding a Home This summer we have borne witness as people along the Gulf coast have lost their dwellings, possessions, pets, family, friends, and, sometimes, their own lives as a result of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. Medical sources have been quoted as saying that psychological, as opposed to physical, trauma is the single largest source of worry vis-à-vis the survivors. This has led me to wonder about the significance of “home”, and how we maintain our equilibrium if that space is lost. Let us start with the physical structure that we call “home”. Ideally, it is the spot where we feel safe, protected, and free to be entirely who we really are. We start life in a womb. That is our first home. It is a place where we are fed without having to ask and develop without analytical influence over our own unique developing selves. Unconsciously we continue to try to achieve that sense of safety and belonging throughout our lives. It is said that a home reflects who we are, and that is true. Even when we have very little to spend, we exhibit something about who we are in the way we organize, care for, and personalize the place in which we live. Some like to have everything in its place, some take a more casual approach, and some care very little about the actual physical structure in which they reside. What is important is to know what makes you feel “at home”, and proceed from there. Don’t let anyone else, without your consent, tell you how your home “should” be. One of the most helpful things my father ever said to me was, “Honey, your home is there to serve you, not you the home”. Think about it. Sometimes “home” is about a place, not a building. “Home” is going back to California, the farm, where it’s cold, or where life is either more or less pressured. This place has something about it that feels familiar. It is where we instinctively understand the customs and way of life. It is a setting where we feel like we fit in. A certain location may appear somewhat foreign when we first arrive, but, over time, becomes a home. Think about a group of college freshmen. Some have difficulty making the adjustment away from their parents’ home. Others exult in finding themselves in surroundings that have little to do with from whence they came. Finally, there is the home that has to do with who is there with you. I always think of my husband and myself as Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. I could probably live anywhere pretty happily as long as we were together. For others the essential ingredient could be friends or children or pets. Some people have a very strong spiritual connection that allows them to feel safe and fortified. And, there are those who truly need only themselves. We do not run into them very often. Most of us need to be in touch with another living being. Not to be melancholic, but it’s a good idea to think about what you would do if you lost that which you call home. What would you need to overcome the trauma of your loss? Whatever your answer, you would have to, as Bob Dylan says, “keep on keepin’ on”. Where would we be if the grass stopped growing just because we cut it every week? For me, as long as it’s things and not people (or pets) that are have vanished, I know I can find something else that will fill the bill. It’s not that I would like it; it’s not that I wouldn’t feel sad about the losses, but I know that I would forget about those injuries over time. The death or disappearance of someone I love compels me to use a different set of skills in order to recover. The best I can do with that is to remember that, like in the garden, you must to prune in order to make room so that something else can bloom. I would love to still have parents, but would I trade in my grandchildren? – No! I was devastated when two of my dogs died, but am I sorry that I live with the two I have? – No! There are terrible losses we must accept, but, eventually, we all must face them. The measure of a person’s character does not reside in what happens to them, but in how they deal with those occurrences. So, remember to tell the people you love how you feel about them; savor your home; appreciate what you have on a daily basis. Do whatever you can to avoid “cut offs” from those you care for. Don’t waste your time brooding over things that are unimportant. The best we each can do is celebrate, day in and day out, that which helps us, as Joseph Campbell would say, “follow our bliss”. The joy of a spirit is the measure of its power. Aug 2005 - You Want Me to do WHAT!?! Many of us find it really difficult to let others know how we feel. We hear the word “confrontation” and we quake. There is good reason for us to feel that way. To “confront” means to argue or engage in conflict. Who wants to do that? We believe that having a different point of view brings with it hostility. It’s easy to forget that clearly stating our beliefs, wants, and needs constitutes good communication. When we are straightforward we allow for the possibility of meaningful relationships that allow others to know who we really are. If this is the case, why do we spend so much of our lives pretending to feel things we don’t and pretending to not feel things that we do? Well, we start life as completely dependent beings. We need our caretakers to ensure our survival. Tiny babies can read facial expressions and learn about the world from the joy, negativity, or indifference on the faces of those who attend to them. As a rule, toddlers (roughly ages 2-4) are the most upfront people you can meet. Their “job” is to say “no” and they are really good at it. We expect a toddler to be contrary and are less likely to see pathology in their behavior. As we become more socialized, we learn that there are benefits attached to pleasing other people. This becomes a problem when the result is that our individuality becomes suffocated in the process. So, we say that we love a food that we can barely choke down and hold back on feelings, especially anger, which we do choke down in order to please someone else. If a friend asked you, “Do I have to agree with you in order to be your friend?” most of you would say, “Of course not”. Do you really mean it? It gets even more complicated, because all of us have some kind of measure of “we” and “them”. We can’t help it, that’s the way we are. It usually takes a cataclysmic event, such as hurricane Katrina, for us to remember that we are all “we”. If you find yourself in a relationship that does demand acquiescence on all matters, you might want to think about if that connection is worth the price you are paying. Telling the truth does not have to be “confrontational”. When we know we have the right to our individual opinion; when we trust that we are entitled to take care of ourselves and be heard; when we understand that we do not have the power to ruin someone’s life because we don’t agree with him or her, at that point, we are free to say what’s on our mind without guilt or the anger that results from feeling guilty. As always, the caveat is to take into account what kind of relationship it is that you’re looking for. Not everyone needs to know everything about us. Not everyone wants to know everything about us. Do you ever let things “slide” because they seem small or petty? I know that is one of my struggles. The problem with ignoring minor irritations is that it’s the small things that weave the fabric of our lives. We often become estranged from people after we have failed to let them know that something they do or say annoys us. Recently, I told my husband about something he was doing that bothered me. His response was, “That’s such a little thing.” My response to him was, “You’re right and let’s make sure that it stays that way!” It’s far better to get the small irritations out in the open than to build up an anger that is hard to control. Years ago I was at a conference. The woman sitting next to me was knitting. Every time she knit a stitch she poked me in the arm. She didn’t hurt me. By the end of the day, however, I was ready to commit murder! Had I asked her to move over I’m sure I wouldn’t remember that incident today. The little things can drive us crazy! Be who you are. Let people know what you like and what you don’t. Extend the courtesies to others that you request for yourselves. Life is too short to be bogged down by the trivial stuff that we find so distracting. Celebrate who you are and go for your heart’s desire. "The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls." Elizabeth Cady Stanton July 2005 - What's The Difference? In our efforts to improve ourselves through exercise, nutrition, and with the help of the entire self-help industry, do we ever stop to think, “Why am I doing this?” Seriously. Do we think we will be more successful financially and socially? Do we believe that if we succeed in transforming ourselves into any one of the many idealized images that are thrown our way that our happiness will actually grow? Why do we do the things we do to “evolve”? What’s it really all about? One of the ways to look at this is to consider the competitive, “gotta get ahead” climate in which we live. Today, July 24th, 2005 is the day that many of us will eagerly applaud Lance Armstrong as he wins his 7th and last Tour de France. Today we love the Boston Red Sox, reality show winners, movie stars, and every other kind of celebrity you can think of. Look at Paris Hilton, the smartest dumb girl around. She told us she was “hot”, many of us believed she was “hot” or at least a curiosity (which is ok with her), and voilá, Miss Paris owns a 24 carat diamond ring, has book deals, TV appearances, and much more. This readership may not emulate Ms. Hilton, but believe me, many young women do. They really believe that Ms. Hilton lives a life to be envied. They don’t know if she has nightmares or if her fiancée has bad breath, they just know it all looks good. So, what is celebrity worship really all about? First of all, we have the wish to believe in the possibility of a perfect life. If it’s possible & we work on ourselves hard enough, we too may live a life free of misfortune. While we know that everyone endures hardship of one kind or another, we still want to believe that it is possible to beat the system. One of the ways we go about trying to do that is to be a little bit better at this and a little bit better at that until we find ourselves so removed from our own souls that we have no way of knowing our heart’s desire. If only I were a better golfer, lost 10 lbs., or had been a better parent my life would be complete! We “know” in our heads that this is not true, but many of us hold on to the myth of nirvana in our hearts. Now, I would be the last person to discourage the building of self-esteem. That is why, although it is paradoxical, I urge you to try to accept the wonder of you. It is true, beyond a doubt, that each of us, as our genuine self, is already all we need to be. Sure, there are some things we’re not so good at (after 4 years I still struggle to do a roll-up in pilates). There are, however, areas in which each one of us excels. Unfortunately, many of us focus on our perceived deficits rather than our strengths. While our society may encourage competition, when it comes to living a life, each and every one of us does it in his or her own way. There is no contest built around life living. Continue to strive, learn, and practice. The caution is that you do this only if it springs from a desire inside of you. Expanding your skills can be great fun, but only if the skills you are working on are interesting and worthwhile to you. If you’re learning French to impress your great Aunt Edna, forget it! Once you accept that you, as you are, are absolutely wonderful, the things you choose to pursue will seem a pleasure and not a chore. Another bit of advice, if there is something you are yearning to do, do it now. If you wait for the perfect moment, it will never arrive. I’ll tell you a story about my father. He didn’t like working in his family’s business. Dad saved his money so that he could take an early retirement. He had a certain sum in mind. By the time he had accumulated that amount, the economy had changed and it wasn’t enough. My father worked for 10 additional years. He missed out on some very good times. As Joseph Campbell says, “Follow your passion!” Do it soon and live a joyful, fulfilling life.
"If
your success is not on your own terms, if it looks good to
the world but does not feel good in your heart, it is not success
at all." Anna Quindlen June 2005 - The Measure of Caring A relationship is a relationship is a relationship… What I mean is, that we are basically the same in all of our attachments. The difference is the degree of intimacy, and thus, feelings of vulnerability that these attachments trigger. For many of us, the most difficult connections are linked to romantic love. While we yearn to be loved entirely for ourselves, we also fear self-exposure. This leaves us, so to speak, caught between “the devil and the deep blue sea”. When we first meet someone, be they friend or lover, the thing we call “chemistry” kicks in & often we have a strong inclination to go either toward or away from that individual. This “chemistry” is really a result of our unconscious responses that tell us “I do or do not feel drawn to you”. Often we are surprised, and ultimately feel quite differently about a new acquaintance as time goes on. And, that is the point. For a relationship to have “feet” it must have the durability to withstand the unavoidable ups and downs that accompany familiarity. As we handle the differences of opinion and expectation that go along with our attachments we learn a great deal about the character of the other person and find out more about ourselves. It’s impossible to ask for what we want if we do not know what that is. For me, the willingness to be accountable stands right near the top of the list. Most of the time, I can get over the fact that you hurt me. What I need, however, is for you to understand that I have been hurt by your actions are willing to try to avoid repeating that behavior. Excuses carry very little weight with me. That I can count on your concern for my well being means a lot. Years ago one of my best friends let me know that my responses to her felt harsh and judgmental. She advised me that this was ruining our friendship. While I was taken aback, because I was so caught up with myself that I hadn’t considered her feelings, I was and am grateful to her for being candid. Our relationship has deepened over the years. We know that each of us can “hear” the other and respond in a loving manner. We are safe in revealing “the good, the bad & the ugly”. As we go along the path to self-knowledge, it is helpful to learn where our boundaries lie. When someone crosses the line we owe it to ourselves and to him or her to cry “foul!” Of course, if we are not interested in pursing a particular relationship it may just be easier to drift away. I have always believed that when you have given up, when there is nothing left to talk about, when you simply cannot be understood, and the existing state of affairs is hurtful, it is best to close the door and put your energy into more gratifying situations. The trick here is to know if you have truly given up or are merely temporarily frustrated or angry. As with so many things in life, what we fear most, exposing our vulnerability, is what makes us endearing. We feel best when we are most authentic in our own lives. Successfully emerging from a bumpy ride with someone we value can deepen our attachment in ways the smooth path never will. Trust needs to be tested and earned. You’ve heard it said before, but it bears repeating… You can’t be close to everyone you meet. As the years go on, we learn to be selective and optimize the way we spend our time. One thing is unquestionable, the more fully we are our true selves, the more completely we feel alive and vital in our world. “When
we were children we used to think that when we were grown-up
we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is
to accept vulnerability…to be alive is to be vulnerable.” Madeline
L’Engle May 2005 - In Memory of my Mother My mother died 18 years ago, five days after Mother’s Day. She had suffered a stroke in April and everyone agreed that this was as good as it was going to get. It was ironic that my mother lost her speech. Her voice was what maddened, frightened, and annoyed me most of my life. It was also her voice that I dearly missed after she lost her ability to speak. For months I would call her answering machine just to hear the sound of her. I cried when I gave up the comfort of that tape. Sylvia & I had a very complicated relationship. I was an only child who believed she loved her father and hated her mother. My father always said that my mother and I were like “oil & water” we just couldn’t mix. My mother and I were never on the same wavelength, never approached things from the same direction. The struggle lasted a lifetime. The fondest memory I have of time spent with my mother occurred shortly after my father died. We didn’t know at the time that she had only seven more months to live. One morning she surprised me by showing up at my home and suggesting that we spend some time together. What was unusual was that we didn’t go shopping or fill the time with activity. For nearly 3 hours my mother and I werequiet together. We shared a grief and a protectiveness that was uniquely ours. We were, for one of the very few times in our relationship, emotionally in the same place at the same time. When I was a little girl I really tried hard to please my mother. After I became an adult my mother tried really hard to please me. Sadly, neither of us perceived ourselves as being successful. Mothers and daughters. It is such a complicated relationship. In a normal life cycle it is their job to bring us into the world and ours to help ease their passage out. We are cohorts and competitors; rebels and disciples; alike and dissimilar. As we continue our journey through life it behooves us to incorporate our mothers’ strengths as we discard that which does not work for us. It’s a hard job. We have a tendency to polarize and strive to either hold on to or get rid of the whole package. I have a pillow that says, “Mirror mirror on the wall, I am my mother after all.” Well, that’s true and not true, as it is, and will be, for my daughter and my daughter’s daughter. I wish, with all my heart, that I still had a mother. I wish she could know that this is my wish. Would I handle our differences better? I don’t know. I hope I would. Would she drive me crazy every time she said, “I have a brilliant idea”? Probably. I would make sure, however, that my mother knew that I appreciated her ferocity, loyalty, courage and independence. My mother never “knew” that women were second-class citizens. That’s pretty remarkable for a woman who was born in 1911 The
sadness that envelops me every Mother’s Day and on
the anniversary of my mother’s death is familiar. I
won’t
go so far as to say that I welcome it, but it does seem appropriate
to remember and mourn the loss. When all is said and done,
Sylvia and I did the best we knew how to do with what wehad.
In the
end, we were there for each other and shared an imperfect
but unstoppable love. April 2005 - Recycled Lives
As we go about living our lives, we take them for granted. They are, after all, our lives. It takes an occasion, such as a reunion or, perhaps, a death, to shift our focus to the trajectory of our years, decisions we have or have not made, and the inevitability of change. I have almost always welcomed change. Sometimes it scares me, but, for the most part, I like the excitement of the adventure. Some have lived more predictably. They settled in one place, socialized with long-term friends, stayed married to the same partner, and continued to pursue the dreams of their youth. The security of this type of lifestyle is a wonderful thing and allows for the building of a genuine community. Those who have chosen that path know whom to call in case of emergency. In fact, there are probably many people they could choose from, Others have selected a more tumultuous lifestyle in which they have had a number of homes, careers, friends, and, sometimes, partners. There is a whole spectrum to choose from in terms of playing it safe and taking a chance. One is not better than the other, but, one is usually a better fit than the other.. A few weeks ago I went to a party. Most of the folks there had chosen a path of safety. They are what I, originally, started out to be. They were part of one of my former lives. I was surprised to find that, after hanging around them for a while I felt wistful and slightly sad. The ambiance of that party really took me back to the choices I have made along the way. Some of the women there were pretty good replicas of who I might have been. I have been blessed with the type of personality that likes to make decisions. I don’t have to think for a really long time before making up my mind. I can analyze what works for me rather quickly be it a home, car, or lifestyle. Spending time with such a large group of friends from my past, opened up memories of the hopes, dreams, and expectations, of the rather naïve girl I was once upon a time. That girl could have used a mentor. It would have been helpful to her to have had a wise person to guide and challenge her through some of the complicated issues that affected her life. That girl was so young. She knew so little. No one had told her that being human is tricky business. It takes a lifetime to figure out how to live a life. To know who you are and what fulfills you, opposed to what your parents wanted for you and society expected of you, takes time and maturity If you don’t know who you are, how do you know if you’re living the life your heart yearns for? What are your daydreams? What would you choose if you had the opportunity? I was lucky, whatever it is that drives me, after many missteps, propelled me, into a life I love. Regardless of the choices we have made, we all pay a price for what we have and have not done. I have one friend who has said to me, “You are my role model.” My answer to her has been, “You would not have liked the hard parts.” In the end, there is always potential for change. If you are happiest staying put, good for you! The heart of the matter resides in knowing yourself. May your core resolve be based on a profound understanding of who you are. That is the best way I know to reach the royal road to happiness. "Your
vision will become clear only when you look into your
heart. March 2005 - Take Off Your Mask The other day, I read an article by a well-known journalist. She revealed that her family of origin was eccentric at best, and, at it’s worst, lived on the streets. This woman felt such shame about her family’s circumstances that she had kept details of her growing-up years a secret, even from her husband. I know a woman who has had a radical mastectomy and has not allowed her husband to see her naked since that time. Someone else I know grew up in a completely disorganized household. She feels great shame if anything is out of place in her home – even when she’s the only one there. Why do we do this to ourselves? One very sad reason is that in our very core many of us feel unlovable, defective, and “less than”. This is compounded by a common belief that each of us is alone in this situation. Many of us believe that “others” are successful, knowledgeable and effective in ways beyond our reach. We cannot imagine that a large number of the people we encounter join us in submitting to feeling poorly about themselves. Then, what do we do? We cover up and go around pretending that we think we’re great. The problem with this is in the pretending. When we feel that we must mask who we are, we cruelly damage our sense of self and our rightful feelings of self-respect. It seems we humans just must have a pecking order. However, the whole idea of hierarchy in terms of a social class has no relevance in today’s world. Information and education are available to everyone. Outdated social rules such as, “You can never be too thin or too rich”, “A woman is nothing without a man”, and the notion of the “dumb blonde” are recognized as being obsolete. We know this as it pertains to others, but many of us still hold ourselves hostage to these meaningless standards. It is impossible to define, no less measure, which life has been the most productive, beneficial, acceptable or admirable. In other words, “the best”. Nevertheless, we waste our time and emotional energy as we compare others’ achievements to ours. While we are busy spinning our wheels in this meaningless endeavor, a lot of other people are doing the same thing. How do we recognize that this is happening? We know this when we begin to look at others’ lives and judge them to be superior or inferior to ours. When we feel inclined to hide something about ourselves that we fear others may judge, we should see that as a big red flag. There are so many ways to live a life. Do wealth or poverty make a heart more or less loving? Are there an optimal number of things we must have before we can be happy? Is it better to have inherited opportunity than to have risen above difficult circumstances? Is it meaningful to look at our sense of connectedness to others? Above all, what have been our intentions? Do we consciously try to improve the world we live in or stay focused on our own navels? These are crucial questions and not easily answered. Listen to me; every one of us has had a pimple from time to time. We give away our own power when we accept someone else’s concept of a life well lived. If we don’t buy into certain “lifestyle” myths they will lose their oxygen and influence. A brilliant journalist should not have to hide the truth about her relatives. She had no role in their decision-making. A cancer survivor did not ask for cancer. The miracle is that she survived. The “neatness police” are not on their way to our homes, and if they are, so what? Each of our lives stands alone. If your grandfather was a hero, it doesn’t mean that you will be a hero. Maybe you will and maybe you won’t – the way you live your life will tell. One
of the coolest things about humans is that we are resilient
and,
when motivated, can rise above seemingly impossible life
circumstances. We should be so proud, and yet, we are so
often fearful that someone will “find out”. February 2005 - When Love’s Not Perfect Whether we know it or not, we each bring our own very personal set of expectations when entering into a relationship. The person on the other side of this relationship brings his or her own personal set of expectations. If, by chance, both parties have the same set of expectations (I know no example of this), love, potentially, can progress very smoothly. If not, we run into turbulence and don’t know why. Let me give you an example from my own adolescence. My boyfriend’s name was Tony He and I went “steady” all through high school. As Valentine’s Day approached, my expectation was that I would receive a flowery, syrupy card. A huge valentine arrived in the mail (so far so good). On the front of the card it said, “I found the perfect Valentine’s Day present for you…” Inside was a little man on a spring holding a big heart that said, “ME!” Being more than a little spoiled and lacking anything close to self-control, I hit the roof! Poor Tony! To this day I do not understand why he put up with me, but, wishing to please, went out and found me the sappy card that I had wanted. The significant part of this story is that in my mind, proof of love resided in a corny Hallmark card. Tony, on the other hand, believed that his card said it all. Two unconscious, and differing, sets of expectations went head to head and we ended up with hurt feelings all around. Does any of this sound familiar? Do you assume that if someone cares for you they will call you three times a day? Is a gift of jewelry on your birthday proof of affection? Is your significant other expected to fly into your arms when you’ve been away? Will he or she take you to meet the parents if the relationship is getting serious? I think you get the gist of where I’m going with this. It’s not about “good” and “bad” expectations; it’s about differing sets of desires. No one that I know of is really acquainted with all of his or her automatic assumptions. You can bet, however, that when this type of conflict comes up in an intimate relationship it has to do with assumptions, not intent. Therein lies the cure. It behooves us to pay attention to the other person’s purpose. If we cannot pretty much take it for granted that our significant other only wants what’s good for us, then why are we in this relationship? On the other hand, many of us have emerged from families where it was impossible to assume the best. If that is the case, we need to understand that we may be recreating a situation that is not relevant to our current set of circumstances. Just knowing that is the first step to making a correction. An individual who sincerely cares for us will almost certainly help us with that problem. Perhaps we are only dealing with a case of inadequate communication. Again, a mutual approach to correcting this should be quite helpful. Relationship is about needs and expectations being met on both sides. It is foolish to throw in the towel because something as simple as a valentine wasn’t exactly what we wanted. On the other hand, if we cannot communicate in a productive, supportive way, we need to learn how to do that, or consider saying goodbye. Love and attachments are difficult, but we humans cannot seem to live well without them. “Love
takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and
January 2005 - It Doesn't Make Sense My husband and I spent Christmas and New Years in Mexico. We stayed at a lovely little hotel that was right on the beach. We left the doors to our balcony open at all times so that we could listen to the sound of the waves from the Pacific Ocean. It was idyllic. Other people decided this winter to spend their holidays on the Indian Ocean. They also were savoring the tranquility of their surroundings. We know what happened to them and those who were attending them – the brutality of the tsunami. You don’t need me to detail the traumas connected to that event. Our country and numerous others have sent money, aid, supplies, and personnel to that part of the world, as well we should. What strikes me about this however, is how much more we would have to contribute were we not mired down in wars, negotiations and issues of control. The thought struck me, “Why can’t we call a ‘time out’ and rush the resulting resources to those whose very survival is in such a precarious state at this time?” What has happened to our moral principles? We know that people who live across 6 time zones have been hit with a disaster of virtually biblical proportions. Is it possible to ignore such an occurrence? Do we believe that we live in a magic bubble that protects us from the aftermath? It seems so clear to me that this catastrophe must take precedent over all other events, including those of combat. Some of us have been frustrated in hearing of the civil war in Sri Lanka and the ways in which it has impeded efforts to bring help. In an editorial on Dec. 28th, the Daily News in Colombo, the capital, declared, "This tragedy would have not been in vain if it had served to once more show we are a strong, loving, united nation, where we are all brothers and sisters, whatever the color, whatever the religion." The post-tsunami power struggle has indicated that the catastrophe did not bring people together. The article goes on to say, "It would be an ideal opportunity for the government to work hand in hand with the (rebels)… Southerners should take relief supplies and go north. Northerners should go south. Unfortunately, it's not happening." What does it take for humans to learn that what we have is a shared humanity? I cannot understand why property, resources, beliefs, philosophies, religions, and politics are given a higher priority than the continued existence of those who share our world. We need to wake up and know that none of us are inoculated against disaster.To me, the connection between each and every one of us is quite clear. All events influence all subsequent events. Action influences action. We are all vulnerable to the consequences of the choices made by others and ourselves. Every one of us is affected by the events that happen in our ecosystem. If we do not care about ourselves, do we not care about the children, many of whom are born unprotected into a dangerous world? If we do not care, how can we call ourselves “human”? Part of our responsibility while we are here is to leave a legacy.
Not just a legacy in terms of our individual families, but an
inheritance that impacts all who follow. If we do not know this
now, what will it take? I wish all of you a peaceful and responsible New Year.
Well, here it is! -- “Holiday Season 2004”. Many of us have begun or are about to succumb to feelings of stress or anxiety. The nervous tension we experience is usually due to too little or too much of something. We become self-critical as we imagine that everyone else has the holidays “under control”. We enter into the fantasy spun by the masters of commerce that our celebration must have both a specific look and cost before we can pronounce it, and ourselves, up to par. We worry about having enough money to spend. We worry about having spent too much money. We feel invaded by too many friends, relatives, and acquaintances. We feel isolated as we see other, presumably happy folk, in couples or groups. Too many parties. Too few parties. Our homes are not flawless, or are so decked out that we’re afraid someone will mess with their perfection. We don’t have enough time to deal with the pressures put upon us by others and ourselves. We eat too much, we drink too much, and on and on… In this haze of insecurity, it becomes difficult to focus on what really matters to us. There are just so many distractions. As a fellow self-flagellator, I understand what you’re going through. I do, however, have a bottom line, and, when I go over the edge, my bottom line pulls me back and reminds me of what I really care about. More than nine years ago, I had a run in with cancer. It all turned out as we hoped, but one of the things I took away from the experience was an understanding of what, at the end of the day, was important to me. Were you ever asked, “If you had one day or month or year to live, how would you spend the time”? This is what went through my mind upon receiving a cancer diagnosis. I had to focus on what really made me happy. Why don’t you give it a try? For me it comes down to simply whom I have loved and who has loved me. I’m talking about the genuine, I need you in my life, kind of love; the kind of love that forever changes who you are. I did not find myself longing for more things or experiences. What my heart yearned for was more time with the people who made a difference; those to whom I was deeply connected. I have a strong belief that love, like nothing else, has the capacity to transform us. Sadly, there are many people who do not have or cannot recognize the love of which I speak. These people suffer. Often, they fail to recognize the genuine love that is available to them. They believe that love must come from a particular person or present itself in a particular way. I know, because I was once one of those people. Once in this situation it is easy to focus on “things” rather than relationship, because material goods seem more readily attainable. In his book, The Courage to Love, Stephen Gilligan says: “Materialism… translates relationship into ‘I want/I deserve/I need to have all my needs satisfied.’ Naturally, this leads to an inattentiveness to life outside one’s own immediate interest, and isolation and loneliness result.” We need to awaken from this dream of imaginary heights. There is healing in giving to others what we wish to receive ourselves. Rewards of unimaginable profundity are available when we pay attention. Helping a person, a pet, a garden, any living life form, to flourish can fill us in a way that no material object ever can. When we are able to treasure the significant people in our lives, we can treasure ourselves. The reason? We thrive when we focus on the good in others. I wish all of you a loving holiday season, and hope you are rewarded with the wishes of your heart. "The
pleasure of love is in loving. November 2004 - Presidential Election 2004 Like many of you, I have been glued to reports from pollsters, pundits, and spinmeisters who are continually reporting on the upcoming presidential election. Like many of you, I have strong opinions on the candidates and on issues that I believe effect our survival. Like many of you, I am hoping that we have a definitive winner by November 3rd and do not have to go through the national agony of uncertainty we experienced in 2000. It is not my place to try to influence you politically, and, therefore, I am writing this newsletter on the Sunday before the election; before any of us know who is to be our next president. We have important things to think about regardless of political affiliations. My husband and I moved to Florida in 2000, and were far from proud to have participated in the mess here that was called an election. Sure, we knew that politics was a rough sport. Coming from Boston, we were aware of cheating, “tweaking”, and other dishonest voting practices We were certain, however, that our votes were counted and that we had been given a chance to be heard. In today’s New York Times magazine there is an article entitled, “Another Contested Contest” by Matt Bai. This article speaks directly to the paranoia that has infiltrated our electoral system since 2000. (If you’d like a copy, e-mail me and I will send it to you). In his article, Bai says, “The voting process, once presumed to be a reliable, if fallible, arbiter of the public will, is increasingly seen, even by many more sophisticated voters, as a tainted instrument of partisan conspiracy.” How has it come to this? How did Florida, and other states, come to resemble third world countries, where poll watchers are brought in from the outside to ensure the fairness of the voting process? I do, additionally, have other concerns: What happened to the separation of church and state? Is that not a principle on which this country was founded |
