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September 2008
A
Life of Generosity, Gratitude & Grace
Years
ago my mother used to say to me, “Gregory Peck can park
his shoes under my bed at any time”. I felt the same way
about Paul Newman.
Granted,
I never met the man, but between his amazing good looks, generosity,
talent and personal courage I do believe he was someone quite
special. I have never heard or read a negative word about Paul
Newman. He appeared to be down to earth, and humble to the point
that he attributed his many successes to good luck.
One
of the discussions I frequently have with clients is about their
feelings of not being good enough. There is always a mention
of someone, or several someone’s who “make” them
feel inferior. This is what I have to say about that: Anyone
who truly feels good about him/herself, who is comfortable in
his/her own skin, would NEVER attempt to make another feel “less
than”. There’s a adage I learned a long time ago
-- “under the arrogance lies the shame.”
What
so many of us fail to realize is that regardless of our financial
circumstances we always have something to give. A few weeks ago
I was at Starbuck’s and the man ahead of me in line couldn’t
find a dime, so I gave him one. You would have thought that I
had done something amazing. It was only a dime! The man was flabbergasted
and the folks behind the counter were reacting as if I had discovered
a way to turn coffee beans into gold. What they were really responding
to, of course, was that I had reached out a hand to help. Now,
I know this isn’t like working in the refugee camps in
Darfur, but we are all in a position to share the “bounty” whether
it be through a phone call, a smile at the right time or a dime
in a coffee shop.
There
is a piece of self interest in this. When you do something that
makes someone else feel good you will feel good yourself. We
all have an internal meter that, like it or not, we unconsciously
use to judge our own actions. When we live up to our own expectations
we are rewarded with a personal feeling of satisfaction. So,
when you are feeling somewhat “subhuman” as we all
do at times, a simple act of kindness will boost your feeling
of self-worth. It’s something we can all afford and seriously
need.
Paul
Newman was in the position and had the inclination to help on
a large scale. Reportedly, he donated +$200,000,000 in profits
from his food line to causes he believed in. By any measure,
this is an extraordinary sum. Another impressive part of this
is that, as a consumer, when you saw the brand “Newman’s
Own”, you knew that you were buying a quality product.
We don’t often find such a clear example of a win/win situation.
These
are extremely difficult times. Florida has the highest foreclosure
rate in the country. Lee county, where I live, has the highest
foreclosure rate in Florida. Not only are people losing their
homes, but one result is there are segments of our local population
who are being denied the right to vote because they now cannot
prove they have a Florida address.
When
we encounter extreme circumstances it is a challenge to find
things for which to be grateful. If you like being alive, if
you have anyone who loves you, if you have health or if you’ve
ever been treated with kindness and care, you will surely be
able to find a reason to be thankful. Please try not to measure
yourself in terms of how someone else is getting along. I know
that’s hard, I struggle with that myself. The problem is
that such a focus leaves us feeling either inferior or superior.
In my opinion, we are neither -- we’re just folks struggling
to make sense of a very complicated period of time.
Even
in times of tremendous stress we have the capacity to exhibit
compassion and courtesy to our neighbors. I think when we do
that, it reminds us that we are human and what being human demands
of us in terms of our behavior. However deprived we may feel,
it’s an egregious error to treat others as enemies with
whom we are competing for survival. In a macro sense most of
us know that we need and flourish with the assistance of others.
When we bring it down to a micro level, however, we tend to forget
that a wholly self-focused style of living is unrealistic and
will defeat us, in some way, in the long run.
Often,
no matter how hard we try, we have no control over the circumstances
that come our way. We always have control over our own behavior.
No one makes us behave with cruelty, thoughtlessness, greediness
or dishonesty. When it comes to our conduct, we must take responsibility
for our own.
Paul
Newman was a great role model. It is now up to us to demonstrate,
in the way we live our lives, how we believe the world should
be.
"It’s
been a privilege to be here."
Paul
Newman to daughter one week before his death
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August 2008 - The
Blame Game
It’s
so tempting, when something goes wrong, to decide that someone,
anyone, but us, is responsible for the fiasco. If the person
we wish to be at fault is a stranger and if we can manage to
ignore the little voice inside that knows that we‘ve bent
the truth, I suppose it’s ok to take that stand. If, however,
our problem is with someone close to us, we are facing an entirely
different situation.
I
see many couples in my practice, and, not surprisingly, I hear
a lot of , “you did this” or “you made me do
that”(rarely, by the way, does anyone “make“ us
do anything). The reason such individuals show up at my door
is that they get so caught up in who’s right and who’s
wrong, that they keep going around in circles. What is really
needed is a tactic that focuses on solution, not fault.
Now,
this sounds like common sense, but I’ll bet that there’s
not one of us who’s reading this who hasn’t resorted
to blame at one time or another -- it’s human nature.
We
avoid accepting culpability for many reasons, among them, feeling
stupid because we made the mistake, fearing the consequences
of our behavior, and a deep-seated feeling of shame that can
result in a very painful self-image. The paradox is that often
we are more forgiving of the errors of others than those we make
ourselves.
In
long-term relationships it’s really important to keep in
mind that when we vanquish our “opponent”, who was
previously dear to us, we are setting up a situation that is
a perfect breeding ground for resentment and dishonesty. The
erosion of trust and positive bonds is assured under these circumstances,
and we lose far more than we have gained.
When
the focus is on the solution, we are forced to work together,
which rebuilds the positive bond. Try to remember that there
is almost always more than one way to work out a difficulty.
However tempting it might be, avoid the old “I told you
so” if the other person’s attempt fails. It’s
far more productive to say, “Ok let’s try something
else”.
One
of the most frequent relationship challenges I encounter in my
office is the fact that one party will not allow the other to
forget mistakes and hurts of times past. Trust me, if you insist
on harping on things that happened months or years ago all your
partner will hear is, “blah, blah, blah “, he/she
has heard it all before. You must figure out what it would take
to allow you to let go of the hurt and concentrate on now. Maybe
you need an apology. Maybe you want your experience validated.
Decipher what your need is. At some point it will be necessary
to take the leap toward trust again -- that is, if you want to
reestablish intimacy. If not, please recognize that all the spying
and questioning in the world will not ensure the other person’s
sincerity. If you are the person who allegedly did the harm,
accept responsibility, stop defending yourself and be very careful
to only make promises you can keep -- your self-esteem is at
stake.
Another
thought, it’s easy to assume that everyone sees the world
in the same way that we do. Be slow to criticize and please do
not stoop to ridicule. Unless identical twins married identical
twins who grew up next door, followed the same religion, etc.,
it’s going to happen -- you and the other person will have
different theories as to the way things should be. Let me give
you a silly example. I was having trouble backing out of the
driveway last week. My husband, who was losing patience with
me, said “why aren’t you using the side mirrors for
that?” I told him that I always looked out the back window
to back up. The more he insisted that I back up his way, the
more I wanted to do things my way -- (the back window happened
to be foggy at the time). Well, I backed up alright -- right
into the mailbox & dented & scratched the whole rear
side panel of the car. Guess I should have tried it his way!
The
point is, we all have habits that we don’t even think about.
When someone disappoints you, try not to make the mistake of
thinking that because your partner, friend, whoever, is not aware
of what pleases you is proof of a lack of caring. So often, hard
feelings emerge between partners because each of them expects
the other to read his/her mind. “If you loved me you would
have…” If you don’t let the other person know
exactly what you want, don’t be surprised if what you’re
expecting doesn’t happen. Someone doesn’t love you
more because they make a lucky guess once in a while!
Part
of growing up is learning to put things into perspective and
to know that even if someone holds an opinion that differs from
ours, they can care about us just the same. Try to learn from
mistakes and differences. You can be quite sure that making someone
you care about feel “less than” never produces future
happiness.
"A
man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong,
which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today
than he was yesterday"
Alexander
Pope
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July
2008 - In Defense of Wallowing
Most
of the time I’m all about finding creative solutions, persisting
at what you love to do, and trying to remember that life does
not only dole out bad news. This month, however, I succumbed
to self-pity and a feeling of doom. Two
members of my family received some very bad and very serious
medical news, and that, on top of everything else, led me to
feel “What’s the use”?
Unlike
some I’ve known who wish they could just check into a psychiatric
hospital for a few days to regroup, that was most definitely
not my wish. Having worked in a psychiatric hospital, I know
that all instruments of possible harm, including shoelaces, tweezers,
and pens are confiscated, as the staff focuses on keeping patients
from harming themselves or others. Patients are kept behind locked
doors and are usually surrounded by others who are in more distress
than one could possibly imagine. No, a psychiatric hospital would
not do it for me.
My
plan was to run away to Tennessee (I’ve never been there,
by the way). My husband, quite sensibly asked, “Why Tennessee”? “Maybe
things will be simpler there”, said I. He looked at me
like I was crazy and I had to admit that I was a tad insane. “OK,
then I’m just giving up”. “What does that mean”?
Good
question. Did I plan to take to my bed and bemoan my fate? Hardly!
That would not be my style. What I did need to do, however, was
give my stiff upper lip a rest as I wailed and carried on about
how hard life had become.
After
a little over a day, I was sick of myself. To my surprise, I
felt more energized than I had in a while and new ideas and approaches
to working out some of our dilemmas were flooding my brain. Nothing
had changed, mind you, none of our problems had been alleviated.
I believe that by giving in to my feelings of being snowed under,
I unexpectedly gave myself the respite I needed from the constant
flow of energy that had been going into finding solutions.
To
me, this feels counter intuitive. So, what happened? Well, I
always tell my clients to accept all of their feelings, even
the so-called negative ones. I know that when we fall into denial,
we can, sometimes, squander our vitality just fighting off our
true feelings. That is what I had been doing. I was so busy going,
going, going that I wasn’t giving myself the opportunity
to receive the comforting I needed from myself and others. Yes,
I was frightened. Yes, I was exhausted. Yes, I felt too small
to be able to do anything about the mountain of problems that
had popped up on my plate.
As
I was pushing myself to avoid what appeared to me to be the likelihood
of multiple catastrophes, I managed to forget something very
important. Sometimes, we lack the capability for doing anything
at all about life’s circumstances. This is a time when
it is very helpful if we happen to believe in a higher power.
Look,
either you believe in a driving universal force or you don’t.
Do you remember the old saying “There are no atheists in
foxholes”? There are many ways in which one can interpret
that maxim. One version could be that when we feel too slight
to deal with our own setbacks it is a great comfort to believe
in a power outside ourselves that offers some protection. It
can be quite comforting to trust that there is order and meaning
in the world.
It
is so important to be able to recognize that we will probably
encounter times when we find ourselves to be defenseless. At
such times, we can allow ourselves to wallow in self-pity; for
a short time. The guiding principle here is that this kind of
self indulgence must never become a way of life. Overdone, we
begin to feel like victims, which tends to leave us bitter and
disappointed in ourselves and others. A time-limited emotional “vacation” during
which we can allow ourselves to acknowledge our feelings of outrage
and fear can be a very good thing .
We
often ask, “Why is this happening to me”? I have
stopped asking that question. First of all, I’m not sure
why things should not happen to me. Secondly, I have a feeling
that each of us is a small piece of a mosaic and that we’re
not intended to see the whole picture. Finally, even if we could
answer that question, we would still be required to deal with
the circumstances at hand.
When
confused as to what to do, try to remember that usually there
is not just one way to solve a problem. Listen to yourself, and
then take the kind of action that will allow you to look at yourself
in the mirror and feel ok. You can never ask more of yourself
than that.
None
of us navigate this thing called life without running into some
pretty confusing and uncomfortable passageways. At such times,
treat yourself with kindness and do the best you can. That’s
all you can do.
"When
you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are
about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is
knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something
solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly."
Patrick
Overton
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June
2008 - The
Passing of Everyman
The
public response to the death of Tim Russert this month was remarkable.
Tim (it feels comfortable to call him that) was not an elected
public official or a movie star. Instead, he was a man who really
epitomized values that are considered by some to be old fashioned,
if not thoroughly “uncool”.
One
of the aspects of Tim’s persona that I have been thinking
about was his confident, unapologetic love of his country; his
appreciation of what his country has done for him. There has
been a tendency among a number of so-called “enlightened”,
intelligent, and sophisticated people to convince themselves
that we live in the “evil empire”. They have forgotten
that those of us fortunate enough to live in this country have
unparalleled opportunity to live a life we choose, not one that
has been chosen for us. Is the system perfect? No. But it’s
still darn good.
My
parents were first generation U.S. citizens. I can remember my
mother’s face lighting up when she would recall the day
her father became a U.S. citizen. He was so proud and passed
that pride of citizenship on to his child, who passed it along
to me. My father’s mother came to this country as a little
girl and was far more “Americanized” than my mother’s
family. Yet, when, as a teen-ager I was planning a tour of Europe,
her comment was, “It was so hard to leave, why would you
want to go back there?”.
It
used to be that political discussions were challenging and fun.
Folks didn’t become angry and insulting when an opposing
political opinion was presented during a dialogue intended to
examine issues. Today, one risks turbulent waters when entering
into such a conversation. Many of us avoid such thought-provoking
sessions fearing the very personal hard feelings that frequently
emerge from such debates.
Tim
Russert reopened the conversation, and I, among many others,
looked forward to “Meet the Press” on Sundays and
his appearances during the first half-hour of the “Today” show
during the week. His equal opportunity challenges to candidates
and seated politicos encouraged me to think more deeply about
issues that impact all of us. Tim did the homework for me, and
compelled me to consider complexities that may well have gone
right over my head.
Tim
was “uncool” about other issues as well. Lifestyle
choices concerning marriage, parenting, hard work, loyalty and
a belief in limitless opportunities were, seemingly, informed
by the values of his industrious working class(what an antiquated
term!) family. He didn’t (to my knowledge) bellyache about
not attending an Ivy League college, but aimed his very sharp
mind and innate self-confidence at his goals ,becoming, not only
successful, but influential beyond any level that he could have
anticipated.
I
think it’s important that we recognize the value of all
cultures. What concerns me, however, is the ease with which some
dismiss the positive aspects of the way of life afforded us right
here. There is a tendency to adopt a simplistic and skewed attitude
that perceives failures and disappointments in public policy
as evidence that our entire culture is ignorant, naïve,
corrupt and mean spirited. It’s like seeing a blue-eyed
person as ONLY a person with blue eyes! People, countries & civilizations
are made up of complexities and nuances -- it is unfair, not
to mention inaccurate, to judge a painting on one brush stroke
alone.
Sometimes
we adopt an attitude of cynicism because we fear that we will
be hurt. It appeared that Tim, rather than embracing an attitude
of pending disaster, adopted an optimistic outlook which allowed
him to rejoice in his relationships and his work. By all accounts
he was a happy man.
An
essential piece of living a life of satisfaction lies in our
ability to learn from the past, face the future with hope, and,
most importantly, embrace today. Today is the only time we are
capable of holding in our hands. When we remember to be grateful
for what we have right now, rather than fret about what we have
lost or may lose at a future time, we allow ourselves to live
with contentment. Even when we face loss, it benefits us to celebrate
the gifts that have been and are ours.
I
think that some of the reaction to Tim Russert’s death
is a result of losing a role model who seemed to have grabbed
for and attained the gold ring. His success came solely from
his own efforts and talents. His success was proof that it is
possible for any one of us to achieve our dreams.
As
humans, we are at our happiest when there is congruency between
our in- and out-side. Tim Russert demonstrated for us what that
congruency looks like. This is a fine time to take stock and
allow ourselves to be who we really are. Be authentic -- what
a novel idea!
"Music
is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom.
If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie
Parker
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May 2008 - A
Romantic Getaway
My husband & I
have been together for nearly 15 years. Surely you would think
that by now planning a romantic week-end would come to us like
second nature . Not so! We have tried three times in the past
three months and have managed to become ensnared in a series
of mishaps, hurt feelings, and poor judgment calls that I would
have thought we could prevent at this stage of our relationship.
Harry’s friend, let’s call him Bill, has a boat. Bill told us that
he knew of a secluded, enchanting island off the coast of southwest Florida.
We decided to give it a try -- bad decision! Bill’s boat reeks of gasoline,
has no bathroom, and may someday be turned into thing of beauty, but that day
has yet to arrive.
Bill forgot about low tide, so when we arrived at the “enchanted island” we
had to trudge about 500 yards in quick sand-like muck that came up above our
knees. Oh it was grand! Just getting to the beach was the workout of workouts.
It had been a long time since we had received rain in southwest Florida. As
you probably guessed, with our arrival, the rains came and along with them,
strong winds. The result was that our tent leaked & trembled, and I spent
one of the most uncomfortable nights ever! We now know why the island at which
we stayed was so private. Nothing was there! No running water, no shelter,
of course no bathroom - it was just swell. In the morning, we were attacked
by thousands of no seeum’s. We controlled them by building a very smoky
fire, from which sparks flew that burned our beach chairs and towels. Romance
had turned into an episode of Survivor -- not exactly what we had in mind.
Our next attempt involved Bill’s other boat. Wouldn’t you think
we would have learned? We stayed tied up to the dock. Harry worked really hard
to make it smell good and pretty it up, but nothing he could do would turn
this sow’s ear into a silk purse. Harry wanted to fish at night from
the dock. I knew it was possible he would fall asleep, plunge into the water
and drown. This did not make for a restful night. In the morning we were both
cranky, and had one of our biggest fights ever. So much for romance.
Our last try was a couple of weeks ago. Harry had taken me kayaking and in
our travels we found ourselves in Everglades City. We stopped in at a well-known
hotel there which had been built in 1864. The place was just beautiful (in
a very rustic way), and the dining room knocked us out. Surely, this would,
at last, provide us with our romantic time away. We made a reservation for
the following week-end.
Well, when we arrived, we noticed that the beautiful dining room was not air
conditioned. In fact, it was stifling. As we went to our “cottage” to
unpack, I got into an argument with a rather vulgar local who was furious that
I had parked my car next to his truck. What a beginning!
An air-conditioned restaurant was recommended to us that prominently featured
alligator tail as a culinary delight. For some, perhaps, but definitely not
for me. We returned to our cottage where we were deluged by mosquitoes and
other swamp-like creatures with wings. We looked at each other and asked, “What
were we smoking when we signed up to come here?” Harry reassured me that
we weren’t so far away, and that we could visit our house if we needed
to!
The next day we got a late start. We stopped at a hardware store, where a gentleman
customer was talking about how he loved to eat scrambled squirrel brains and
grits with fatback poured over it. Believe me, I couldn’t make this stuff
up. We cracked up. From that point on, we were able to see how ludicrous our
situation was. We decided to skip the kayaking and headed into Naples, with
me muttering all the way, “Great, we stay in the Everglades so that we
can go to Naples!” There were few things that failed to strike us as
funny. And…you know what?…we had a fabulous time, and in a weird
way, romance was in the air. We certainly did not experience moonlight and
roses. We did, however, laugh ourselves silly.
A large part of our yearning for romance is linked to our desire and need for
attachment. People who can share humor, who “get” each other realize
that same feeling of connection. In fact, when I work with couples I always
ask each if the other really knows who they are. Surprisingly often, the answer
is “no”. At that point, it’s pretty clear where our road
together must lead.
Would I love to go to Paris with my husband? Sure. If that doesn’t happen,
the Everglades will do just fine.
"Love
does not consist of gazing at each other, but looking outward
in the same direction." Antoine de Saint-Exupery
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April
2008 - Finding Plan B
Conditions
are downright scary here in Southwest Florida. From what I read
and hear, the markets are hurting in much of the rest of the
country as well. Where I live the collapse of the construction
industry has rippled to many other sections of our economy, including
restaurants, retail, doctors and dentists. Gas is selling at
heretofore unheard of prices and the cost of staples, such as
eggs, has soared. More often than not, in my practice, I do my
best to reassure clients whose well-thought out life plans are
collapsing around them. These folks are suffering from the pessimistic
outlook that they can’t escape on TV and in newspapers.
Those who were counting on the value of their homes to provide
financial security are helplessly watching their greatest asset
decline in value. The public and private exacerbate each other,
and a lot of people are feeling trapped in their lives.
As
I hear individuals attempt to comfort themselves with, “Everything
happens for a reason” and “When one door closes another
opens”, I recognize that they are failing to find solace
in these forward-looking bromides. It is hard for me to find
any wisdom that genuinely comforts those who are finding themselves
living in ominous circumstances.
One
benefit of the uncertain times is that people are thinking long
and hard before leaving their jobs and marriages. Where the culture
of instant gratification once reigned, individuals are longing
for even a small ray of hope, as they look into what seems like
an unpromising future. Folks are doubtful of their ability, literally,
to survive. This is the time when one’s capacity to “think
outside the box” has been challenged. Creativity and originality
are essential, no longer simply fortuitous talents.
One’s
ability to calm down and think clearly is the bedrock for enduring
future success. This, of course, raises the question of “How
do you do that?” You might want to start with imagining
the most awful possible result. This may sound counterintuitive,
but, once you figure out what you will do in the “worst
case” scenario, it will be much easier to deal with less
extreme circumstances.
Don’t
weigh yourself down by leaning on false pride and keeping your
fears a deep, dark secret. No, you shouldn’t put an ad
in the paper announcing your troubles. You would benefit, however,
by confiding in trusted advisers who just might be able to help
you brainstorm your way to some solutions. By the same token,
present a confident face in your every day world. Even if you
have to fake it, if you appear to be confident others will have
confidence in you. There are few personality characteristics
that are more appealing. This is a good time to remember that
every time you smile you change your brain chemistry in a positive
way.
Take
an inventory of what you are and are not willing to do. Do you
want to relocate? Think this option through carefully. You do
not want to hastily embrace a geographic cure, but you may find
that you have valid reasons to go elsewhere. Take into consideration
the cost in terms of money, lifestyle, friends and opportunities.
If a move makes sense, consider giving it a shot.
Don’t
get bogged down by blame and self-flagellation over decisions
you made that weren’t the best. No one can predict what
the future holds (even if some claim they can). Learn what you
can from what has occurred, and move on. Remember, even the Great
Depression came to an end. Life may have taken a negative turn,
you may not be living the way you planned, but circumstances
always change and, in time, things do improve. In fact, that’s
the one thing we can count on – change.
Suppose
you are clinging to a scenario of how your life is “supposed” to
unfold. Are you able to relinquish any part of that, or to see
it play out in ways that are unexpected? The more flexible you
allow yourself to be, the more likely you are to find solutions
you can live with. Remember, nothing but the Ten Commandments
is carved into stone.
Another
aspect to think about is to be careful not to “punish” yourself
when things are tight. Allow yourself an occasional treat such
as a massage or dinner out at a nice restaurant. If you attempt
to live like a Spartan, unless you are one of the rare individuals
who can thrive on extreme deprivation, your spirit will suffer.
So, dress up, buy flowers, or take an inexpensive vacation. As
you experience enjoyment your resilience will strengthen.
Few
of us are glued together in a way that allows us to say, “Welcome
tough times; I was hoping to be challenged today.” Over
time, however, our newly found skills and attitude will serve
us well. Stick it out with courage – one day you will wake
up and realize that, one way or the other, the crisis is over.
You will feel better, I promise.
"I
think I've discovered the secret of life - you just
hang arounduntil you get used to it." Charles M. Schulz
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Mar
2008 - Celebrate
Me Home
I went to
a symposium in Washington DC this month. That’s where I
was born. My father’s family moved there in 1902. With
Washington being comprised of mostly transient citizens, I’m
sure you can understand that I feel somewhat proprietary about
the city. It’s the childhood place I called home.
A certain kind of melancholic nostalgia settled around me just about as soon
as my plane landed. The feeling was a wistfulness that I rather enjoyed and
I spent the long weekend trying to figure out what was going on with me. Many
of the old landmarks were still there. Of course when you consider that my
landmarks consist of the Washington Monument & Lincoln Memorial, this is
no surprise. The streets, however, held new businesses and sometimes followed
reconstructed pathways. After I settled into my hotel, I was absolutely thrilled
to find that some of the old signs and even semi-ancient businesses, the look
of which I didn’t even know I remembered, were still around. Seeing them
opened up for me so many memories.
At my hotel there was a book with pictures of “old” Washington – really
old Washington (like in the 1800’s) juxtaposed with DC as it is today.
I was taken by surprise at my delighted response at finding a photograph of
the street where my father’s family’s store was located. I have
such a clear memory of running up and down those brick sidewalks, the pigeons
that I dodged every few steps, the statue at the head of the street & the
turreted bank building on the corner. I savored the sweet/sad warmth that wrapped
itself around me as I saw the child I once was in my mind’s eye.
The bushes and trees captured me as well. Spring is a wonderful time in DC.
I remembered my mother dressing me in “transitional” cottons and
my walks to school past forsythia, dogwood and cherry trees, crocuses and daffodils
that were beginning to bloom. My memories were surprisingly sharp.
I am not one to idealize childhood. Never have I ever wished to return to what
was. So, it was puzzling to me that I was actually “trying on” going
back there to live. I think I know now what the thing that felt like longing
was all about. It’s really hard being an adult. The good parts are making
my own decisions, feeling some personal power and gaining a little wisdom along
the way. However, like many of you, I have worried about finances, and in the
past two years, our household has had to manage some pretty serious illnesses.
It’s not that I feel that I shouldn’t have to deal with these issues
or that I don’t feel adept at handling them. More accurately, I would
have to say that I’m just experiencing “adult fatigue”. There
are times, many lately, when I have wished that someone (anyone) would just
give me a break an d take over for a while. That’s where my longing lies.
Do you remember when you didn’t have to think about what to eat? Can
you recall a time when you couldn’t believe that you would ever grow
old? Wasn’t it great to know nothing about income tax and to see the
world as a place with unlimited possibilities? The world is so much more sophisticated
today. My oldest grandchild has told me that he wants to be a paleontologist.
Me, I wanted to be a movie star or a bride. We are responsible for being responsible.
I wouldn’t like the consequences of relinquishing that accountability,
but in my fairy tale world that would be possible.
One trait I have retained from childhood is the ability to plan, imagine and
dream about an exciting future. I was lucky enough to have a father who told
me that I must always dream. He opened the doors to my creativity. This has
helped me to transcend certain obstacles – he taught me that certain
rules were bendable and that I really didn’t have to color within the
lines. Being “home” allowed me to fantasize as an adult, but with
the enthusiasm of a child. You can bet I no longer wish to be a movie star
or a bride!
Up until an American was wrongfully held in jail there, the dream my husband & I
had was to run away to Nicaragua and build a house on the beach. Well, I guess
Nicaragua’s out, but who knows what will replace that in our fantasies?
Regardless of your stage of life, give yourself permission to envision an idyllic
time right around the corner. Keep it realistic enough that there is a possibility
it will come to pass. The bitter will be sweetened and, who knows, your dreams
just might come true!
"Go
confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you
have imagined."
Henry David Thoreau
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Feb
2008 - Happy Valentine’s
Day?
February, the month of LOVE is just about over.
I can confidently bet that for many, buttons were pushed, hopes
shattered, and self-esteem
plummeted accordingly. Most of us lick our wounds and manage to
regroup. The unfortunate few, feel devastated and take their disappointment
as a sign that
they will forever be alone and left out. For these folks there
is a tendency to idealize the lives of others, and for some, the
resulting bitterness and perceived failure is more than their fragile
egos can tolerate.
February
of 2008 brought with it three horrific crimes right on or within
a few days of Valentine’s Day. Coincidence may
be the answer to the question, “Why now?” We do know,
however, that there is a connection between feeling like a pariah
and violent behavior.
The
three crimes I’m referring to are:
1. The shootings at Northern Illinois University
2. The murder, by meat cleaver, of a psychotherapist by a psychiatric
patient she had never met
3. The slaughter by, apparently, incineration, of a 14-year-old
by her father.
Now
all of the people responsible for the commission of these crimes
carry serious psychiatric diagnoses, and it appears
that
all three of them had stopped taking their medication as prescribed.
This is the most universal reason that patients are readmitted
into controlled therapeutic settings. The NIU assassin reportedly
had a rocky relationship with his girlfriend. The man who killed
the therapist was carrying adult
diapers with him and had a plan to rescue his mother from a nursing
home. The 14-year-old’s father killed her when he found she
was text messaging her boyfriend. Theoretically, we have a common
theme.
Each of these emotionally unbalanced men was in some way separated
from a person who represented a yardstick by which they were, somehow,
assured that they were loved and valued. It is likely that no one
had a clue that any of these men was about to boil over. Probably
no one checked on them on a consistent basis.
The
resources are not available that would allow us to provide meaningful
intervention for most of the mentally ill. In the 1970’s
many long-time patients were “liberated” from psychiatric
hospitals throughout the country. The plan was to develop a network
of community mental health centers that would keep track of and
assist these individuals. The plan was never dependably implemented,
for many complicated reasons, and we began to see increasing numbers
of these unfortunate souls living in the streets or unsuccessfully
on their own.
It
is not surprising that those who feel unloved suffer particularly
acutely during a holiday that is dedicated
to love. For many, the
realization that Valentine’s Day is a manufactured holiday
that benefits card makers, florists and such, does not assuage
the pain they experience on this day of “love”. Maybe
it would behoove us to just grow up. The measure of love is not
the roses, jewelry, cars, or whatever is presented to us
by our “beloved” on this particular day. Too often,
I have heard, primarily from women, how disappointed they have
felt when their significant other failed to live up to Valentine’s
Day expectations. The rational part of us knows that any fool can
buy us flowers, and the ability to do so proves nothing about the
durability and
satisfaction to be found in a relationship with such a person.
When it comes to Valentine’s Day, all too often, our good
sense goes out the window and we depend on a false measure of devotion.
I
am not “bah humbugging” romance, not at all. Fantasy
can be fun. Romance, when we understand that it doesn’t define
love, is just great. The trick is to really know that love takes
commitment, devotion, compromise, and sincere concern for the welfare
of another. It’s hard work, can be bumpy, and will bring
us days when we need some space and separation. Finding love can
be complicated and difficult. I believe in being choosy and taking
a clear-eyed look at a proposed partner. It is possible to fall
in love and stay in love. I wish I could give you the formula that
makes it all work.
I
do know that love has nothing to do with artificial rules and “playing” the “game” the
right way. We all have that place deep inside of us that tells
us who we love and who genuinely cares about us. When we allow
ourselves to become blinded by our wishes, we are flirting with
unhappiness. Wishing all of you a love that is lasting and true.
"Life
without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit." Kahlil
Gibran
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Jan 2008 - Guilty As Charged
I
have been wanting to write about this for a long time, but wasn’t
sure how to go about it. I’m not so certain
now, but I’ll give it a try. The
subject is the “generation gap”. Having been
both a child and a parent, like you, I feel quite well versed on
this topic.
Growing
up, I would say that the heart of a bad girl was hiding behind
the behavior of a seemingly good girl. I didn’t get
into any serious trouble, nor did any of my friends. My relationship
with my parents was periodically turbulent, and, in fact, grew
more difficult as I grew older. We drove each other crazy, especially
my mother and I, and the love and deep attachment we had for and
to each other would not have been apparent to anyone who didn’t
know us.
I have experienced tremendous remorse in the years since my parents
died, wishing I had understood them better, been more patient,
more appreciative. I was, however, always there for them and elected
to live close to them when their health was on the decline. There
was never a time of cut-off, and I knew there were behavioral boundaries
that were never to be crossed. I am grateful for those boundaries.
When
I became a mother I was certain that I could do a better job
of parenting – that I would be more fun and “cool” and
able to allow my children to spread their wings and discover what
made them happy. My intentions were the best and my confidence
high. I
am not the only person of my generation who held these ideas
about parenting. I have talked with dozens of people – friends
and clients—who started out doing their best only to end
up with adult children who resent, disrespect, and, at times, shun
their parents, cutting them out of their lives completely.
Where
did we go wrong? Were we too reluctant to be dictatorial? Did
we too fervently want to be their friends? Has society changed
in a way that, other than being life-givers and baby sitters, parents
have no value? One cannot help but wonder what this will mean for
the next generation. It’s worrisome. Now I know that many of you come from families that do not behave
in this way. That is really, really good. You deserve great kudos.
When
I have noted to members of my children’s generation
that there seems to be no importance attached to “Honor thy
father and mother”, it has been called to my attention that
my generation was part of the “Me” generation of the
80’s. Now
I don’t know about you, but in the 80’s I was
a single parent working at an anxiety-raising, time-consuming job
so that I could keep us financially afloat. At the same time, my
parents were sick and dying, so when I wasn’t working I was
likely to be at the hospital or in my parents’ home trying
to cheer them up and providing distraction. I surely don’t
remember yukking it up or even being able to get a restful night’s
sleep.
Look,
the purpose of this is not to defend or prove myself in any way.
Many of us are simply baffled at the turn that life has
taken. We didn’t expect to have children who consider us
to be shallow, foolish, self-absorbed and just plain stupid. Allow
me to also say that this has not been my experience with all of
my children, but I am well acquainted with being spurned and insulted
in very personal and hurtful ways. Perhaps,
as a psychotherapist I’m “supposed” to
present myself as a “blank slate”. Well, it’s
way too late for that. Besides that, I don’t think it’s
useful to be idealized into something/someone I’m not. As
you know, I’m all about being true to yourself.
If
as Oprah (a non-mother herself of course) says, the most important
job in the world is being a mother, it is true that that was not
my area of greatest excellence. There is a big “however” of
course (I’m sure you saw that coming). None of us need accept
judgments passed on any aspect of what we have accomplished in
our lives. I bring this up because, for a considerable amount of
time, I believed that my life was a failure because of my inadequacies
as a Mom. Today I know that this is a lopsided point of view, which
is based on the findings of those who are hardly unbiased. < o:p>
Love, forgive; grant generosity and honor to yourself. Extend
the same to others. No one can ask for anything more.
"Life
is under no obligation to give us what we expect."
Margaret Mitchell
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Dec 2007 -
The Vision Comes First
Is
your life pretty much the way you want it to be? Do you know
how you want it to be? If it is, why? If not, why not? Why am
I
asking you so many questions? Well, we must know what we want before
we can decide whether or not we have it. That must sound pretty
obvious, but it’s
not as easy to achieve as you might think. As a rule, we have to
know ourselves really, really well before
we can understand and know what we need to live a happy life. As you might imagine,
I meet a lot of people who are reluctant to dig down deep and
discover what makes them tick. Usually what holds such a person
back
is fear, a fear of finding out something about themselves that they won’t
like. We are all vulnerable to such apprehension, and much of my job is to
create a safe environment in which to do that kind of work.
After over 30 years in my profession, I can confidently assure
anyone who comes my way that there is very little in the
human psyche that I have not experienced
over the course of time. We all come wrapped in different packages, but are
more alike than not under the surface. Many years ago, when, after a stretch
of exhausting effort, I was still spinning my wheels and seemingly
unable to find the enduring happiness I longed for,
it was suggested that I write up a scenario of what my ideal life would be.
Now, the assignment was not about rattling off a list such as, I want to
be in love; successful; admired; wealthy, etc. What I was asked to do was
to create
an actual picture of what that life would look like, feel like, encompass
in such a way that I would feel content.
My ideal life was set in a house on the beach at Cape Cod. I was sitting
on a back porch with a curly-haired man. Lots of children and dogs were running
around on the lawn. The atmosphere was relaxed, joyful and playful. We were
laughing. I was able to imagine how I would feel, how my heart would be full
and warm and I would feel safe. That was my dream.
Well, here we are 18-19 years later, and the man does not have curly hair;
he does make me laugh. We have a lanai in back of our house that overlooks
a man-made lake (hardly a scene at Cape Cod). This holiday season we did
not have the whole family with us, but we did have four children and five
dogs
among the adults on one particular day. After 14 years of knocking myself
out to make things “perfect”, I “allowed” my husband to
cook the turkey his way (it was great) and my father-in-law took care of hanging
ornaments on our tree (many of which contain photos of everyone we have ever
loved – people, pets, the whole shebang).
We are a family of many religions and have settled on doing “Secret Santa” among
the adults for holiday gifts, which makes life easy. My husband and I do not
give each other extravagant presents. After all, we just buy the things we
want most of the time and “need” nothing. This year the children
got gifts and stockings, but, unlike other years, no stockings for grown
ups or pets. It was relaxed, simple and cooperative, in other words, great.
This is not the first time that I have recognized that my dream has come
true – I
have love, laughter and emotional security in my life. The details differ
from those in my dream, but specific items were never the important part
of the
story. I am so grateful that I am able to recognize and appreciate my good
fortune and happy that every once in a while I am reminded that I have all
the important things I wished for such a long time ago.
As I always tell you, my life is far from perfect. I have encountered conflicts
that have hurt and continue to hurt at this very moment. There have been
betrayals at the most unexpected places and a dearth of compassion and understanding
from some I have held dear. I have experienced illness, financial difficulties
and loss. Probably, for me, the most painful setbacks have occurred when
I
have fallen down on the job; the times when I have not lived up to reasonable
expectations and have hurt people I care for deeply. These struggles are
a part of my life’s journey. I work at accepting that.
Never, however, will I fail to appreciate the many, many things that have
come my way. I will not minimize the importance of my good fortune by focusing
on
the inevitable disappointments. I understand that perfectionism can rob us
of joy. Who’s to say what’s perfect anyway?
Define, pursue, and hold on to your passion. Have the patience to stay on
the road. Everyone is worthy of love and appreciation, and that includes
you. Keep
your focus on you aspirations and victories as you learn from the things
that don’t work out. Do NOT get bogged down in the details. The stars
are there for you; all you have to do is reach. Wishing all of you a most
wonderful New Year.
"A sailor
without a destination cannot hope for a favorable wind."
Leon Tec, M.D
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Nov
2007 - Overlooked Heroes
A couple of days ago I received a call from someone who knew about a small
dog that needed a loving home. She wondered if my husband and I could take
her. Apparently, this little girl, a Pekingese named Violet, had been used
as batting practice for a group of adolescents in the Miami area and was,
found, literally, up in a tree with her teeth knocked out & a damaged
eye that had to be removed.
Of course, this is a sickening story; one that even those who are not animal
lovers will cringe at hearing. How could anyone of any age harm a helpless
creature in this way? It happens all too often. Whether the story is publicized,
such as the Michael Vicks case or known only by a few, one has to question
how the individuals involved have reached this level of insensitivity and depravity.
My vet tells me that since the publicity around Michael Vicks, that law enforcement
is taking animal abuse much more seriously. I for one, hope this is true.
Most of us spend little or no time thinking about the people who step in and
do everything in their power to rescue innocent victims. It cannot be, in any
way, easy to take in a severely abused, sick or abandoned creature. Excluding
the financial burden, the emotional toll must be enormous.
One such person, whom I am privileged to know, is Peggy Dunne, the founder
of Pekes and Pals, a rescue organization for small (under 20 lb.) dogs. I first
spoke to Peggy about 4 years ago when I was looking for a breeder of Pekingese.
We had just lost our beloved Jolie, to surgery. She was a puppy mill dog we
had the privilege of loving for 8 years. Peggy was a great help, referring
us to a wonderful breeder. Since that time, I have kept an eye on Pekes and
Pals as they have struggled to keep their doors open through Hurricane Charlie
and numerous financial difficulties. We have made small contributions by “sponsoring” some
of her more needy dogs (in other words, we contribute to their upkeep).
It is amazing, to me, that people like Peggy are able to nurse, find homes
for and love these creatures knowing that they are likely to lose them in the
short, rather than long-term. The dedication and ability to knowingly accept
a transitory relationship of this type takes a humanity and courage that I
believe is quite rare. It seems to me that loss is our biggest human challenge.
To give your heart and then lose the object of your love to circumstance, often
death, has few
up sides. I believe in celebrating a life rather than staying stuck in the
demise of a person or pet that we love, but it’s still painful as hell.
Eventually, if we want to enjoy our own lives we must make peace with the loss,
but it sure is hard.
Individuals who dedicate their lives to rescuing those without a voice – a
child starving in Africa, an infant who has been dropped in a trash container,
an animal that cannot defend itself, are among the most worthy people I can
think of. In most cases the Peggy Dunne’s of this world never achieve
wealth or recognition. They devote themselves to the helpless because their
inner voice
mandates that they must. I’ll wager that, should you ask, they would
say that the gratitude in the eyes of the creature whose life improved as a
result of his/her intervention enriches their lives in a way that nothing else
could. It is one of those unmistakable times when one knows that he/she has
done the right thing. In today’s world it is so easy to focus on an eroding
environment, war, school shootings, and a prevalent air of cruelty. We are
likely to forget that
there are those who, by nature, look out of the welfare of others.
We have three dogs. Two of them, Babe & Ruby were purchased. The third
dog, Casper is a little boy we rescued. He was in tough shape when he came
to us. His teeth were loose, bones sticking out, full of fleas and very frightened
of just about everything. Today, he’s still a little shy, but he gets
along well with his “sisters”, and, I love it (of course) that
he follows me with the most loving eyes you could ever imagine. The satisfaction
that comes from knowing that we are in a position to give him a very good life
for the rest of his is beyond measure.
Among the rewards that come from reaching out is that we are put in touch with
our own humanity. All of us have had times in our lives when we were not at
our best. It is important for us to remember that our misguided deeds do not
define us as people. The great majority of us never had any intention to cause
hurt. The not-so-surprising finale to this story is that we went to meet Violet,
and, happily, she is now a member of our family. Did I imagine that one day
I would be the owner of four dogs? Never! However, we have enough love in our
home and our hearts for these loving little creatures. Of one thing I can assure
you, what they contribute to our sense of well being far outweighs anything
we could possibly do for them. We are not among the Peggy Dunne’s of
this world who deal with tragedy on a large scale every day. We consider ourselves
fortunate that we have found
a vehicle that allows us to do our part. Maybe this is what Thanksgiving is
really all about.
"We
are like angels with just one wing. We can only fly by embracing
each other."
Anonymous
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Oct 2007
- I Yam What I Yam
For
a couple of weeks I’ve been experiencing a feeling
of malaise. It was really hard for me to figure out what this
was all about. My husband and I have been discussing our plans
for 10 or 15 years down the road, which include summers in
Vermont and maybe a house on the beach in South
America. Why should this leave me feeling discomfited? I allowed myself to
mope for a couple of days, and, after wallowing in the feelings, I was able
to put my finger on what was bothering me.
I, like many of you, have always had certain scenarios in my head as to how
life is “supposed” to be. Some of this is unconscious, some not.
Most of us have such self-imposed mandates. We must get that degree, follow
that profession, get married, have children, or lose weight by a certain date
and obtain the desired results in a particular way. Our domicile must look
like (fill in the blank) but usually it’s just like the home we grew
up in or is intentionally quite the opposite.
It’s hard to shake off earlier influences, and I’m not suggesting
that we just toss them in the trash bin. Life is good when we understand what
works for us and what doesn’t. We neither want to follow like sheep or
get stuck in an adolescent rebellion. None of this is easy to sort out. There’s
another piece to this dilemma as well. At times it’s nearly
impossible to figure out our best course of action, and, when we do choose
a road that differs from our predecessors or our peers it can stir up a lot
of trouble. When we choose guiding principles that are unique, we may find
ourselves feeling concerned that the hand of our departed ancestors will descend
from the heavens,
grab us by the throat, and say, “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?” When
we follow the pack, we may we may feel suppressed, resigned or sad. One thing
is certain, when we are unsure, some very uncomfortable feelings are bound
to occur.
In my own case, I have really lived a very different life from the one I had
planned. Some choices were made by chance. The riskier choices developed after
I found that I was compromising far too much of myself by keeping to the course
that was laid out for me. There would have been pain regardless of the road
I chose. For me, my willingness to move away from the norm came in part from
having watched my father relinquish his dreams time after time because of what
he
perceived to be his duty. He was not bitter. I, however, promised myself at
a very young age that I would not give up on the things that were important
to me.
Between my mother’s feistiness and ambition and the sense of safety that
I felt with my father, I was born a creature who would, most of the time, take
a chance. Being the only child of older parents, I grew accustomed to making
my own decisions and handling things my own way. Some of my ideas as to what
constitutes a family have been quite different from the ideas of others. For
this I have faced a considerable amount of criticism and scorn from the younger
generation as well as from some of my contemporaries. This has hurt; in fact,
some condemnations have quite taken my breath away. I have lost contact with
individuals whom I have loved quite deeply, some who I thought would be in
my life forever. It is impossible, however, to change the core of who I am.
It hurts to be misunderstood, but while I will apologize for certain actions,
I will not apologize for my character, my very being.
It is both exciting and painful to be different. Each of us must decide for
ourselves where our boundaries lie. In an ideal world we would have no particular
expectation as to the behavior or beliefs of others. As we know, such a world
does not exist. So, I now recognize that my feelings of unrest stemmed from
the consequences of some of the detours I have followed in the journey that
is my life. One
thing is for sure; this is not my parents’ maturity! There are so many
things I should have handled differently, some of them quite significant. Many
of my digressions came from a lack of know how, some were
deliberate choice.
The plus side of all of this is that I love the life I am presently living,
and have for quite a long time. I optimistically anticipate the future. Along
with the losses have come self-respect, self-confidence, and the discovery
of love that knows and understands me, warts and all. So it’s a trade
off no matter what you choose. Be true to yourself. Understand and pay attention
to your heart’s desires. Know that it is impossible
to please everyone. Join Popeye and me as we affirm “I yam what I yam”.
"A
radical is a prodigal son. For him the world is a strange place
whose contours have to be explored according to one’s
destiny. He may eventually return to the house of his elders,
but the return is by choice, and not as of those who stayed
behind, of unblinking filial obedience." Daniel Bell
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Sept 2007 - Lessons From the Andes
In
early September a friend and I went to Peru. Our goal was to
trek
part of the Inca Trail into Machu Picchu. This had been
a dream of mine for many years. Now, I have taken what I call “adventure
vacations” before, including hikes down the Grand Canyon
and on several of the Hawaiian Islands. Do not be fooled; I
am not a graceful or athletic girl. I am vulnerable to sunstroke,
afraid of heights, have short little
legs that find nothing natural about taking a steep step, am
pigeon-toed, and my left foot drags when I’m tired. About
all I have going for me is a dogged determination to realize
an aspiration once I decide it is worth going for.
So, there I was at a high altitude (HARD to breathe), on a
very narrow and uneven trail that had many ascents and descents
(including
a climb up 300 vertical steps). There was no shelter from the
sun for the first 3 hours. Add to that the factor I hadn’t
considered, which is that 95% of the trek is along a sheer
drop with nothing to stop one (me) from plunging off the side
of the
mountain.
By far, the most daunting part of this challenge was my fear.
For most of this 7-hour expedition, I truly believed that I would
plummet off the path as my eye was continually drawn to the amazing
view of the Andes that surrounded me. I knew that the terror
I was experiencing was making everything harder, but was helpless
to bring it under control.
Why did I put myself through this? Well, first, I really do love
an adventure and thought that to hike into Machu Picchu would
be far more exciting and rewarding than taking the bus from Aguas
Clientes, which is the town below the site. Also, on every other
escapade to which I have subjected myself I was, inevitably,
the last one out of the jungle, the one that everyone else had
to wait for. I was determined to improve my status and at least
be next to last this time round. I was not successful, but what
I learned about myself, was one of my most valuable lessons ever.
It all goes back to a pigeon-toed 2-year-old girl (me) who
was put into a ballet class where she was asked to achieve
1st position.
This, of course, was impossible. When I think about it, what
I felt was shame, shame that my body just wouldn’t do what
it “should”. Of course, as a two-year-old I had
no name for this feeling, only an uncomfortable memory. I learned
quite early that I could always count on my brain, but counting
on my physical aptitude was not a good idea. Now, this has
not
ruined my life or been an active part of my conscious mind.
It is significant to me, however, that the memory of physical
inadequacy,
which has been repeated throughout my life, sprang from this
childhood experience.
Having been born with a feisty constitution, I have not shied
away from this difficult area, but instead have, without realizing
it, strived to reverse the irreversible. I’m glad that
I’ve tried, but I wish I could have spared myself the
feelings of humiliation that I consistently suffered when judging
myself
to be deficient in corporeal skills. I never would have dreamed
that my Andean venture would help me to put all of this to
rest. Our guide, Celena, was a sensitive and kindly individual,
who unimaginably makes this trek every week. I allowed her
to relieve
me of my backpack and actually take my hand and lead me over
the toughest parts of the terrain. Celena was consistently
encouraging and patient, which allowed me to accept her assistance,
which
I so dearly needed.
I had worn a white shirt that day, and as the rest of our
group waited at the rest stop, we passed another guide,
headed down
the mountain who was also wearing a white shirt. The group
at the rest stop only saw a white shirt and thought that
I had backed
out of our pilgrimage. I never heard them, but was told that
they began shouting for me to come back, to stay the course.
Therefore, when I unexpectedly appeared at the top of yet
another vertical challenge, they all stood up, applauding
and cheering.
There was a time, I must tell you, that I would have
found this response to be humiliating – last again
and all that. This time I bowed (as well as my collapsing
body would allow) and
sincerely thanked all of them for their support. It’s
taken an awfully long time for me to understand that just
taking the journey is what counts. I have always allowed
that for everyone but myself. I’m glad I took the trek,
and even happier now that I realize that I will never have
to prove myself in that way again. From now on, it’s
the bus for me! Never fear that it is too late to change
the way you view yourself. We are, after all, our own most
fearsome
critics.
I hope that all of you have the opportunity to conquer your
deeply felt insecurities. Let’s add on to that that I hope you
don’t have to spend 7 hours on the edge of a mountain
in order to realize that success! Persistence and courage
are your
friends on your road to personal freedom.
"Life
shrinks or expands according to one's courage"
Anais Nin
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Aug
- 2007 The Image
Who among us has not looked at a person of fame, wealth or
power and wished, even briefly, that some of their fortune would
rub off on us? I know I have. The story, the representation we
are given looks so darn good. For those who manage to stay out
of the limelight, life may be as wonderful as it seems. However,
unless we know them personally, these are not the people that
most of us aspire to be. Furthermore, we rarely know what life
feels like, really feels like to those we tend to idealize.
I have
done some thinking about what it must feel like to be an object
of curiosity, envy, and idol worship. Personally, the
idea of having to be “on” all the time makes me uneasy,
so I am guessing that life’s probably a whole lot happier
when we fly “under the radar”.
We have reached the ten-year anniversary of the death of Princess
Diana, a woman who was deluged by the curiosity of others once
she made a royal connection. While I am far from an expert on
the reality of her life, I, like many of you, have read about
her and have formed certain ideas as to what her day to day existence
may have been like.
Like other celebrities, a good portion of her life was spent
in public. She was worshipped by some, admired by many, and,
in public, the recipient of applause and approbation. However,
at some point, she, like all of us, had to return home. From
what I have read, that home, in Kensington Palace, was frequently
an empty place where she did not have anyone waiting who was
genuinely happy to welcome her into a warm and caring nest.
How sad!
Think what it must have been like to be idolized by strangers
while lacking intimates in the place she was most truly
herself. This is an extreme example of someone’s outside
not matching the inside, of the sense of make-believe with which
her life was saturated. When the persona eclipses the person
most people, like Diana, will find her or himself experiencing
a sense of fraudulence and uncertainty as to her/his true identity.
When this happens an individual is left with a sense of having
failed to live up to expectations.
All of
us share certain basic longings. The deepest of these have
to do with being loved for who we are, as we are. Many of
us flee from intimacy because we fear our own fundamental “unlovable
ness”. These are the saddest people I know. Whatever it
is that fills us up and fills us full in a life-enhancing way
is always connected to our feeling genuine in our own skin.
It is the
rare person who can play to the crowd and maintain a sense
of reality at home. Celebrity is not a requirement of
this dilemma. Have you ever tried to impress someone? Gain an
approval? Attempt to attract a yearned-for love relationship?
If so, you have probably shaped your image in a way that you
hope will be pleasing to another. This is not a big problem if
what is projected is not far from the legitimacy of who you are.
We all do it to a certain extent and certainly not everyone we
encounter wants to know all about us. If, however, you find yourself
hiding or exaggerating your intelligence; disguising your temperament;
pretending to like certain activities, be they knitting, dancing
or fishing, in order to gain someone’s approval, be aware
that you are selling yourself short in your efforts to make a
connection. How at ease will you feel within that union if you
are not free to be yourself? It’s worth thinking about.
The
healthiest expectations to live up to are one’s own.
If you find yourself painfully twisting yourself into a pretzel
in your attempts to please another, you would be far better
off to admit to your limitations and be pleased with yourself
for
maintaining your integrity. The
paradox that we tend to forget is that the more true you are
to yourself
(in ways that are important) the happier you
and those you care for will be. If you don’t want to ride
that horse and are pretty sure you never will – don’t
ride it! That way, everyone, including you, knows what to expect.
You
are not responsible for the truth that certain individuals
may want to live through you. The narcissists, controllers,
and
timorous would be far better off to work on themselves than
attempt to persuade you that you, and only you, can make them
happy. You, in turn, should grab the opportunity to learn more about
yourself, your passions, and the circumstances that make your
life happy. Giving up the pretense will free up your physical
and psychic energy. Who among us would turn down the promise
of less fatigue, worry and tension? If you would, please call
me immediately!
Enjoy being
you – you are the one thing you will always
have. Whether you know it or not, you are your own treasure.
Who you are is who you are meant to be.
“We
are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in
the end we become disguised to ourselves." Francoise
La Rochefoucauld
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